The Struggle to Be More

I have been close yet distant, and vague yet detailed about my life. It’s so easy to show the best sides of one’s life, but not quite as easy to show the other sides. I think that I always feel that “everyone else is struggling, why would anyone want to listen to my struggle or hear me complain?” But I find myself in a more problematic predicament, that there is no way around. There is no way to change it, or sit around and hope that one day my schedule clears up so I can have my workout or blog time back.

Have you heard of the Facebook Depression? I was reading that its basically when you get depressed because you see all of the highlights of someone else’s life on their Facebook. Ha! Its true. I can’t tell you how many Stay at Home Mom’s Facebooks I stalk and Sigh at. Or see cute pictures of friends having a wonderful time with their cute kids, on the daily.

So, I’m just here to reiterate that my life isn’t always swell, and in fact, I struggle, I work and I know that most of you know where I’m at: Overstressed and injured with no time. And thus comes the struggle to be more.

We Support Each Other’s Dreams
There was a period of time where I could focus on my dreams completely, and then there was a period of time where I even had help achieving my dream. But right now, I’m in a period in life, where my husband needs my talents in order to achieve his dreams which is provide for our family and make us to be more than we currently are… but the journey is a lot longer than contest prep. It cannot be condensed into 12, 16 or even 20 weeks. In fact, this is now my life indefinitely.

When last year I anticipated that I would be busy, I did not stop to even consider the long term. I now work a 50 hour work week at my hospital job, and if I’m lucky, I only spend an extra 20 hours doing Administrative support for Bang’s Lawn Care. And I don’t earn a dime for this. And sometimes he needs help with jobs, which I also don’t get a cent for.

What I’m earning is a new life, a better life than what we have now. Supporting my husband’s dream has been even more challenging than trying for my own. This has meant endless meetings in order to learn accounting, learning all about owning a business, having employees and getting into radio advertising. I have become increasingly interested in Branding and Marketing, all to make this dream come true. Not to mention, just being a normal person and making time for anyone in my life is a huge struggle. One in which almost no one understands, and I get flack about it almost weekly – And I respond kindly, without excuses, even though that is not my first reaction.

But I’m Not Done!
And yet, when you spend all your time simply trying to make a living and support someone else’s dream… It’s not like yours goes anywhere. It’s still there. Inside my heart.Waiting for the time.

So this is the struggle. My heart feels the need to work toward my goals, even though I have almost no time to do so and have body limitations that are beyond my training knowledge. It’s depressing to look at workout plans and practically dissect them to weed out all of the exercises that are contraindicated for my conditions. Can’t squat. Can’t deadlift. Can’t machine hack squat. Can’t do some plyos. Can’t lunge. Can’t do any direct glute or hip work.

And don’t get me started on how long this has been. This has, by far, been the longest recovery period of my life. 6 months of hip healing, that has been incredibly painful both physically and mentally. I often feel lost.

In my lostness, there is a righteous anger. I’m fed up with hurting. Being in constant pain, makes me angry enough to work harder than I have in the past. I’m trying to work smarter and be in control of my plans… My plans that will be enacted the moment I have free time.

Upward and Onward

I’ve decided to no longer hide my struggles or hide my life. This blog IS about hard work isn’t it?? I'm weeding out the negatives in my life, and have decided to no longer spend my time "holding on". Because that is what it has seemed like. Holding on until the next moment where I can breathe and do what I want. But just like worry, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. And I definitely don't!

This now has to be what I want. In order for our business to become all that it can, and in order for me to achieve my own dreams, I have to want everything I have to do within each and every single day. I want to work. I want to do invoicing. And I NEED my workout time. I don't have time, I make time.

The Struggle to Be More
The interesting thing about life, is sometimes it requires you to become a better person. I never realized how incredibly selfish I was until my personal time was challenged, along with my patience, ego, commitment, and honor as a wife.

I'm struggling to be more of everything. Everything that life is requiring of me right now. Its almost like prep, you trust the plan that it will yield results. I rely solely on the hope that if I work hard and struggle long enough to be more... I will just be more.

Where do you struggle to be more than you are? How do you make yourself happy when committing your time to others??

Digging Deep

When one rarely posts anymore, one also has no clue how to start this thing! As you may or may not have noticed, I've barely been on here.. Blogging is a luxury I simply haven't had time for. With juggling such a crazy schedule, I feel bad for taking that time to sit and write. :( And blogger has been blocked at work (where I used to do my blogging... whuuups). Its so sad to me how busy I am, but there is no end to that in sight. Working approximately a 60 hour work week at the hospital, and another 5-10 to Bang's Lawn Care.

I found myself crying in a bath the other night just from feeling so weary and bummed that I barely see my new husband, and something in me made my heart realize that we work so hard to create a better future. The lessons I learned in prep, have also become useful in life lately.

Such a hard lesson to learn, but happiness is the best choice. Whatever situation you're in, choosing to go with the flow and still be happy with your life will make it seem so much more beautiful and fulfilling. 

Mrs. Bang.
Being Mrs. Bang is the shit though! So much fun to be had calling myself and being called Mrs. Bang... BWAHAHAHA! I don't even need a back up stripper name! LOL! ;) Teasing, teasing... I don't get the chance to say things like that working at a Catholic hospital.

My dear friend Madeleine married us, and we got married in front of this mantle that is now in our house!

hehe! Our guests rated our first kiss!

And! My husband is THE best. We are going through a transition with Bang's Lawn Care, into the end of the season so he is looking for Winter alternatives. Even with how busy I am, he takes the time to come have breakfast with me some days and has picked up the slack in chores. And nesting into our home has been so much fun.

Not sure who is interested in a Wedding post... If I get enough requests I'll put up some slide shows. ;)

OOH! You haven't met Anderson!

Such a cutie!

SUPER big puppy

Just a big baby, like all Danes :)

We got this pup a few weeks ago to keep Zeke company during the long days while we're both away. And they're pretty good buddies so far! :)

He is SO dang cute! He has the happiest, sunny personality... He wags his tail with his whole body, his paws are so big and heavy that he's really cute & clumsy, and he gives kisses like no body's business!

He's about 4 months old and I think a little over 50 lbs now. Might be a BIG boy! 

Like I always say, we have a little habit of getting in over our heads really quickly... Haha!

Digging Deep.
Now, while I am insanely busy... I am digging deep for my goals. Although I gained a little more fat than I wanted in my off-season, I have successfully added a couple pounds of muscle and I'm pretty sure its mostly in my legs & abs... Only time will tell as I am dropping fat. But my lil booty is tightening up in a big way! And I really just want to impress myself in the improvements I've made from last prep.

So, I'm thinking prep is going to start at the beginning of the year. I've got a few shows in mind but dates aren't tied down on all of them yet, and I want to be sure I'm ready! And knowing that I have a bit more fat to lose, I'm in the middle of a few weeks stint of "prep". Tightening up the diet and still pulling out 2-a-days.

It stinks! It means I get up at 4am and don't get home until after 6pm. But everyday I wake up and remind myself that I am working so hard to make a better future. I don't want to be in the same place I am right now in 5 years.

So I bust ass, try to juggle it all, try not to disappoint those I love, while not getting down on myself when I do... And sometimes... That's all you can do!

And I know you are all digging deep every day! What shows are you all planning on this year?? If you're not competing, what are your goals??

How did I get here?

Man, I'm in like the most surreal life at the moment. Last time we talked I was 8 weeks out, ready to murder my FG, and struggling to hang on to the whirlwind of busy life. So much has happened since then.

First of All.
I don't like being busy all the time. By nature, I'm somewhat of an introvert and very much of a homebody. I crave time at home and really try to leave Sundays for just that. I feel that by being super busy, I pull in more than I can actually handle... Meaning, once I start saying yes to anything, I start saying yes to everything. I've started and not posted at least 3 blogs describing how overwhelmed I felt.

So to deal with my crazy life, and not reward myself with food, I started booking all my shizz for my shows to keep myself distracted and looking forward to things. I made sure my tans were in order for both shows. I've confirmed my hair and waxing appointments. I have been tracking the shipping on my suit, and buying things for my show.

Bling!

This is a stage bracelet I picked out :)

I bought myself a silk robe, because I read that it doesn't take off the tan as much as cotton or velour.

I also bought new shoes. As you can see above that my old shoes on the left were just trashed. Although I had never worn them on stage, I practiced A-LOT! I also chose to go with the ankle straps this time, I never quite felt secure in the style of my old ones.

My suit should be here any day... :)

Swagger.
My prep coaches have been showering me with swagger lately! I told them that is how you keep your clients loyal, give them swagger! LOL!

We got this a few weeks ago. Pretty awesome loose tank!

My prep coaches wife made this, a bag for my shoes, but I'm gonna use it for my suit.

Awesome hoodie! Its so warm I just love it.

And my tanning appointment vendor sent me this in the mail for the Emerald Cup! WORD! :D

Cardio.
Still hanging out doing about 60 minutes a day. I've been taking it down a notch on the elliptical just to make sure I'm not getting sick. SOMEHOW I have managed not to get sick even though I took care of sick Patrick for a whole week.

Weights.
Strength is decreasing but overall I'm having really good workouts. Getting to that point where working out is getting exciting because its so close to the show.

Diet.
NBD. Just kind of hanging in there. This week I finally felt like I found my stride, and the diet got easier. Really not tempted around the house (finally). I started to incorporate more fish this week, just to get myself used to it for what is coming. And it IS coming lol.

5 Week Check-In.
Doing well, my body is starting to shrink in quite a bit.  Weighing in at 109.5lbs which is putting me at 11% body fat. Right on track to hit my weight/body fat goal for stage day.

Not much is changing this week, and the extra fish will help adjust me naturally to the next steps in my diet plan. Protein powders will be phased out very soon, I am sure. In which I am prepared with TONS of extra fish and chicken. Joy!

In Other News.
I'm an engaged woman! I got caught completely by surprise on Friday night when out to dinner at a cheat meal where I THOUGHT we were going to look at rings! I had no idea it was coming. Come to find out he had actually planned on doing it next month after my competition, but couldn't wait. :) He had the cutest planned speech, and I'm so glad that he somehow was sneaky enough to get it all on video because now I can barely remember what he said. The whole time he was going through his speech I was going, "Is this it?! Is this happening right now?! Is this IT?!" He did it at my favorite restaurant, which is right by our house and kind of a homey little romantic place that I adore.

This is so much prettier than anything I had in mind! And Sparkley-er!

I have to get it sized, its huge on my finger but I don't want to part with it! I'm just enjoying being engaged and hopefully it won't become a big stressor... I think we're going to take steps to make sure we're not stressed much by the planning as well as the finances as we'll be paying for it ourselves... AND we're probably getting married in August. So soon!

If nothing else, I can plan wedding stuff to give my mind something to focus on aside from prep!

Have a great week everyone! :)

10 Things I Love About Dode.

I have the best sisters ever. I can't remember if I've ever talked about them, but I have FOUR sisters. :) But I am very close with one of them.

10 Things I Love About My Sister

She is my best friend.
She doesn't let me fail when she knows I can succeed.
She won't let me hold on to my past pain when she knows I can feel so much love.
She can be brutally honest with me and say it in such a manner that it is never condescending or hurtful.
She will gladly play hooky any day to go shopping & have margaritas with me.
She still holds on to the silly nickname I gave her as a toddler.
She's sexy and she knows it.
She can handle the stress of 20 at once but still make you feel like she'd most want to spend her day talking to you.
She humors my need for a make up language.
She is sharp as a tack and if you don't watch out, her comedy will get you!

Love you, Kari.