Coming Into the Final Lap (or, 12 Weeks Out)

I'm sure some of the moms I know are just going to flat out laugh at this post, and that's fine. I tend to be ambitious and over commit ahead of time. :) I know this about myself, and that's okay.

We are gearing up for baby! I was waiting until I was completely full term before prepping these meals, more as kind of a mind bender that there was NO WAY I would have a premature baby (like I am able to control that LOL). Whatever, mind tricks. But have taken the time to start stocking up on spices and buying loads of freezer containers.

Right Now Goals:
1. Have 5 weeks worth of clean freezer meals prepped for after delivery.
2. Room Ready
3. Continue workouts/yoga 3-4x a week until labor

Post-Birth Goals:
1. My overall goal is to breastfeed Chloe for a full year.
2. Have a meal plan laid out, and clean up my eating immediately after delivery (without lowering any kind of calories to ensure my body still produces milk. Lowering calories can tell your body that you don't want to produce. Our bodies are fickle and amazing).

Macro split: 40-40-20, calories starting at 2,400... I'm going to see how this goes for me. I've heard that some women have an insane metabolism while breastfeeding and it just depends on your genetics.
I tend to be mostly a mesomorph, meaning that I tend to gain muscle easily. So, I'm going to start high with minimal exercise and see how that goes for me. Changes will be made in the event that I stop producing milk or don't lose weight.

3. Start with walks around the block (which is 3 miles in the country :) ) within a week after delivery until my body is ready for an easy weight lifting split (no cardio, only a 10 minute walk warm up). I'm excited to give my body the chance to reset my metabolism!
4. Enjoy every minute of my time with my little one :)

I will be working on the meal plan in the next few weeks, and will be ABSOLUTELY be looking for good clean freezer meal recipes, so feel free to share! :)

Week: 28! Officially at my 3rd Trimester and 12 weeks from meeting our sweet Chloe (I'm actually at 29 tomorrow)

Weight Gain:  30 lbs (@ 155 lbs) - Gaining weight like a champ! LOL! Yes, that does mean that I've gained 12 lbs in the last two months. And this is the one time in my life that I'm not giving myself a hard time over the gain. :)

Sleep: Pretty awful, but let's be honest... It isn't going to get better anytime in the next year or so. I'm just praying little Chloe has inherited her papa's sleeping habits: HARD as a log. 

Miss Anything? Lots of things. Mostly margaritas and non-pregnant sex. It's true, having a little person in the bed is very similar to knowing your dog is watching you. 

Symptoms: I hate telling people this, but I'm still getting sick. And often, like 3-4x a week still. Again, I haven't been diligent about keeping up with preventative measures because I'm really tired of doing the fruitless preventative measures.

I also have at times unbearable back pain, but yoga is a tremendous help with this. Something new, I'm experiencing a new nerve compression - It feels like the baby is an alien and is going to come crawling out of my abdomen. But seriously, like a really intense sunburn on your upper abs. This is due to my posture being off and compressing a nerve in my upper thoracic spine. Awesome.

Mood: Depends on what minute of the day it is and the last time I ate. Right now I feel fine. Ask me in a few hours, and I might have a meltdown. haha! Mostly I just crave holding my little baby in my arms. 

Cravings: Fruit, cinnamon, and chocolate. I found myself getting wrapped back into a cinnamon roll habit (Okay, just to reiterate.. these rolls are pretty amazingly delicious... made with biscuit dough and not too much icing... They are so fantastic with coffee in the morning), but quickly realized that my craving for these was simply due to wanting/craving cinnamon! (Okay, that and comfort eating from getting sick nearly every morning still.) So, I quickly bought some cinnamon cream cheese for my P28 Bagels, and BOOM! Breakfast is now both satisfying and filling. 

Diet: Not too bad. Now that I've come to grips with the fact that the nausea and sickness I experience is never going to change until little Chlo makes her arrival, I'm trying not to get too caught up into eating everything in sight just because I'm STARVANG and wanting to comfort eat. I allow myself one treat per day, which usually is something like angel food cake and strawberries, and am also eating a good amount of fruit everyday. 

Still working out: In the last few weeks, I've only made it to yoga twice a week and the gym another 1-2x a week. This is a VERY busy time for us business-wise (taxes, W2's, etc.), so I'm giving myself the flexibility and sympathy I don't typically when it comes to my workouts.

Stretchmarks: They're happening. I mean, I already had them so I'm not concerned about it. It's just re-stretching out my old ones on my love handles. Luckily, none ON the front side of my belly yet. :)

And introducing another new category... "Belly Button Watch"
Still In. :) But getting shallow. 

Baby Room Progress: 

WE DID IT! Actually, Mr. Bang did ALL of this. I wish I had a good before picture, because this room was CRAPPY! It was seriously our junk room that we kept the door closed to when we had people over.
Mr. Bang painted the entire room, including the trim... He painted the dresser gold, the cabinet in the closet white, and the cute little pink table. He also completely put together the crib and the glider with ottoman... And he put up the cute letters I wrapped in yarn. Now, it's just time for details... organizing the closet, getting some drapes put in, and pictures on the walls.

So yeah, we are moving right along. This little baby will be here before we know it, and it is so hard to believe that we'll have a new person living with us! And it's time to get on making my freezer meals, so PLEASE share any great recipes you have! 

Have a great strong week friends! Spring is around the corner! :)

The Next Phase, Part 1: Meal Plan & Preggie Update

Well, I've finished out my 1st trimester and this is when I hear life gets a little easier.. I say that I hear that because I still got the pregnant barfies. In most women this is gone by now, but I guess I've never been one to be "normal."

Week: 15 - Beginning of the 2nd trimester! In the life of a fitness competitor, wouldn't it seem more fitting to count DOWN the weeks? ;) I'm now 25 weeks out! WOOT! Still feels like forever.  

Weight:  132 lbs (7 lb gain.)

Sleep: I have been feeling somewhat better, so I've been working out more... So, I've been sleeping a little better at night. Although, HOLY HELL, DREAMS! My dreams are sooo vivid (hormones).. Ahem, sex dreams are theeeee best. 

Symptoms: Better, sort of... Nausea and sickness are still around frequently... Please don't feel that you need to fix this because my doctor has stated that I just might be one of those women that gets sick all the way through, and I have tried EVERYTHING aside from taking medication, which I refuse to do.

The fatigue has pretty much hung around.. I walk around like I'm on a sleeping pill all day trying to fight off its effects... But its really just hormones.

Just imagine having PMS always. ALWAYS. I'm trying to be good about telling people when I just feel plain old grumpy for no reason. All the ladies seem to get it, and the husband appreciates it. ;)

Miss Anything? Competing. Training hard. Ordering new bikinis. Wearing bikinis. Having abs. The Olympia just happened and it sucks to not really be able to focus on that right now... Or anytime soon. Maybe late next year? Its kind of far fetched considering you're not *supposed* to workout for 6 weeks past giving birth (this will be a WHOLE other post, I don't totally agree with this logic).

But the best way to beat the crummy attitude about that, is to continue working on my diet and exercise! Am I right?! Makes me feel less insecure about my changing body & body composition.

Mood: BETTER ALSO. Well, mostly. Trying to be better about recognizing when my crazy pregnancy hormones are just making me angry. :) I'm calling that... Pregangry.

Cravings: Pickles and apples. Not together. But a LOT of apples.

Also, everything.

Diet: Towards the end of week 13, I really noticed my tummy was queasy less often, and I was shakey less often.. So I took it upon myself to get back to making good solid lunches with a variety of foods... fruits, veggies, mostly gluten free carbs like rice cakes and rice noodles, and some high protein bagels. Unfortunately for me, I've been sick SO much that I can only hold down carbs first thing in the morning. I tried making spinach & fruit shakes, but they almost made me sicker. For weeks on end all I could hold down in the mornings were bagels, so the P28 bagels REALLY came in handy!

So, I've actually had to mess around with this a LOT. I've worked on a different meal plan almost every week simply because nothing was working with the nausea like I had hoped. Here's what my meal plan looks like for the next few weeks:
7am - Coffee and a P28 bagel with cream cheese
10am - Yogurt & Fruit
12pm - Some kind of salad loaded with veggies, a lean meat and any dressing of my choosing, trying to avoid choices like cheese or olives. 
2pm - a protein candy bar. ;) Okay, its usually a cliff bar or a promax bar, but they taste like candy.
5pm - Yoga days: an apple & coconut water; Lift days: apple & protein shake
630ish - Anything, but something well rounded... A veggie, a lean meat and a whole grain of some sort... This has often ended up in the form of a good pasta or burrito. :) And sometimes breakfast for dinner.
9ish - Protein crepes with fruit, or a FiberOne Bar... Although I should make more crepes. They are fabulous and really fill me up overnight.

Goals:
We got our back room cleaned out and even got the office organized! It was giant dump run and Goodwill run, but soooo worth it. Now we can officially start moving the furniture out of the office but we also have a few walls to get knocked out... We have a little house, only 2 bedrooms in 1200 sq feet, so the plan is to knock out a wall between our living room & dining room so we can make room for our gigantor desk in the living room. Its a lot to handle but Baby Bang has given us a reason to be motivated. :)

Well, new stuff happening! We get to find out the gender in another couple of weeks, which has felt like an ETERNITY! And I've been fighting the urge to feel annoyed with my doctor who likes to wait to find out the gender until 19-20 weeks. Ugh... We do have names picked out for either sex, but will wait until we find out to share them. :) We tried sharing our boy name with some family and got a whole lot of "WHAT??" So, we're just waiting.

Pregnancy in general is pretty weird. You just have to be okay with it. And I've not ever been one to just concede and be fine with miscellaneous stressors, or a body I'm uncomfortable in, so this has been a challenge. I'm usually one to change whatever I don't like about myself or my situation so this is quite the new experience. It challenges my self-esteem to make a choice to love my body right now, when it doesn't reflect what I'd like it to, among other things.

My goals right now are:
1. Keep up on my water intake & pre-established meal plan
2. Eat only what's on my pre-established meal plan. (This is for a couple of reasons: First, of course, I want to gain weight at a healthy pace, not blow up. And also, high blood pressure runs in my family and any weight gain sets this in for me, so monitoring my food helps me monitor my sodium intake to keep my blood pressure low.)
3. Gym workouts 3-4x times a week and trying for hot yoga 2x a week. This is too much for many, and I wouldn't recommend this unless you were doing it pre-pregnancy, which I was. (Obviously this is me balancing creating strength and working on flexibility. Gotta take advantage of all the excess human growth hormone!)

Exercise Routine: Also towards the end of week 12 since I was feeling less sick, I started to get back to, at the VERY least, cardio. And on days I was feeling okay for it, I did some strengthening exercises... Body weight squats, pushups, hip thrusts, etc. Basically back to 3-4 times a week by week 15. And these last two weeks its been 3 days a week, with body parts split up and elliptical, at the gym... with 2 days of yoga. Yeah! Feels great to sweat hard again. Maybe in another week I'll have the coveted GLOW?!

Next week I will post my workout plan, which I feel very good about. More on that next week.

Question: Would registering for new VersaGrips be acceptable on my baby registry? I mean, that's ultimately what I'm going to NEED post-partum. ;)

Yoga Love and the Miracle of Hot Yoga while Pregnant (or not pregnant)

I absolutely love the studio I've gone to for years. They treat me like family every time I'm there and I am constantly learning more and more about my practice. Being knocked up has given me the opportunity to learn even more about the practice, and how continuing can be very beneficial for baby and for pregnancy symptoms. Skip to the below post if you'd rather read this than read my Knocked Up Updates. ;)

Week: 10!    Official due date: April 29th! I was a bit farther along than we initially thought. 

Weight Gain: 2 lbs (At 125lbs, my goal weight gain is 20 lbs.. So, around 140-145.)

Minka, making sure her presence is known ;)

Sleep: Getting harder. I was an 80's kid before SIDS was linked to tummy sleeping, so not being able to sleep on my tum tum is pretty lame, and some nights I wake up still sleeping on my belly. And I'm a really light sleeper so I suspect my days of sound sleep are basically gone. Although, we have resolved the dog issue.

Miss Anything?  HOT BATHS. I take a much hotter bath than most, practically scathing, much like a hot tub.. So I really miss just soaking in a hot bath (to my standards). I just like being warm... Hot baths, hot yoga, steam rooms... Yeah, you guys know.

Symptoms: More mood swings, brain fog, constant fatigue, and my belly hurts a lot... Sometimes its the round ligament at the bottom of my belly and sometimes its higher, which I've read is probably my organs & internal tissues getting soft... not a lot of places for a baby to go in a woman my size. :) Sometimes the pains are worrisome, but I've been told not to.

My smells are on overdrive lately too! I smelled gasoline in our home and threw up everywhere! Funny thing was I could never figure out where the smell was coming from! Bad breath has made me throw up, the smell of the parking garage being cleaned at work... grease anywhere (like fast food type grease). 

Mostly it's a lot of barfing. For all the women who never had this, you have NO CLUE how lucky you are. It's impossible to predict when it will come for me. The other day it was in a meeting. On Saturday, it was DURING breakfast. Surprisingly, the prenatal vitamins don't seem to affect the nausea.

Women have suggested to me everything under the sun, and I've tried absolutely everything... Unisom, crackers at night, crackers during the night, crackers as soon as I wake up, ginger root supplements, ginger chews, ginger ale, ginger tea, tons of water, many small meals (which I do anyway), pregnancy teas, Preggie Pops (which do seem to help if I'm far from food, and am feeling the nausea come... although, I can't seem to find WHY these help. The ingredients are all sugars and essential oils. Tasty tho!), extra B6 during the day.. And still throwing up 6-7 times a day. I have no desire to be on any medication for this (Hello! Thalidomide was a disaster!), and am hoping I'm just hitting my peak of nausea & sickness.

Mood: Depends on my hunger or level of tiredness. :) Mamas, you know what I mean. The mood swings are CRAZY! I feel pretty bad for the hubs.. I really REALLY need to do something nice for him. He really is amazing.

Cravings: Fruit.. Except Bananas.. I am ENDLESSLY hungry. I have to deny myself a lot, but not like prep. I'm just denying things that sound instantly good but we know are completely empty - soda, ice cream... I've tried to turn to some FiberOne Bars just to keep my fiber up and avoid the dreaded pregnancy constipation yet still satisfy some sweet craving. Have been craving home food as the weather has gotten colder as well.. I made the BEST chicken pot pie last night!

Diet: Not that I'm complaining or anything, but this is so counter-intuitive for a bikini athlete/bodybuilder. Craving and eating loads of fruits lately. I binged on an entire carton of strawberries the other night. Mmmm! :) But honestly most of my diet is dictated by how I'm feeling... If the nausea is high, I'm tempted to only eat carbs, my breakfasts have pretty much only been bagels or cereal... Eggs, sausage, bacon.. all sound awful! But then also have to be careful about indigestion. I learned that on Cheez-It's a week or two ago. So, fruits have been my best option.

The saddest thing happened though this week, my taste buds changed... and coffee tastes awful. :( WAHHHHHH!!! Everyday my brain tells me I want coffee, but I have dumped an entire coffee every day this week. So, will probably just be making a switch to tea. (WOAH. Pregnancy really IS comparable to prep! haha)

Still working out: Baby and I have been doing hot yoga and cardio a couple times a week depending on where my nausea is at, but will discuss my love for hot yoga at the end of this post. My sickness has also dictated this, if I feel really sick... I don't work out.

Also, this isn't saying that I have loads of energy, it's mostly the opposite. I've been good about packing fruits and things to raise my blood sugar when I get too sleepy. But this is also a challenge when trying to keep up on my workouts. The fatigue is truly physical, but the battle is mental. It's easiest to compare this feeling to prep-depletion: Just get to the gym. I always feel better once I'm done!

The Sacred Pregnancy Obedience Rules: Okay, I quit Seafood.. And as far as the catbox, I just started wearing  a mask. Probably will eat clam chowder at some point. ;) I'm an excellent pill taker though, so the vitamins aren't an issue.

Goals for the next week or two:
We finally started our nesting projects! We did clean out and paint our master bedroom this weekend, so the next project is still one of my original goals:
1. Clean out the effing back room! It is a cluttery mess.

Onto My Real Post.... The Miracle of Hot Yoga (while or while not pregnant): 
With pregnancy comes loads of unsolicited advice. If you're a patient person, this might not bug you... but I, however, am not. I also used to be a GIANT people pleaser, so I now take any advice with a large grain of salt. A rock of salt, if you will. When I'm cranky and uncomfortable, I really want to tell some people to shove it.

"Do you really think you should be doing that given your condition?!" (Yeah, I heard that for real, last week)

I smiled as pleasantly as I could, although I'm sure she could see the irritation behind the smile, and informed her that I felt good and was perfectly healthy to keep up my exercise routine. I love how people think when you're pregnant, that you WANT to be squatting a large barbell or doing an hour of cardio (Okay, I do want to be squatting a large barbell, just not right now). On the contrary, in this first trimester, I don't feel awesome. But I ALWAYS feel awesome when I'm done!

My primary concern is growing a healthy baby. My secondary concern is keeping myself healthy and strong for a natural delivery. I've read from different sources that yoga is very helpful in keeping your abs & legs strong for delivery, and had even followed blogs in years past where women kept up their hot yoga practice throughout their pregnancies. All of them delivered completely natural, and had perfectly healthy babies. The power and grace these women exuded convinced me long ago of my intention to continue my hot yoga practice throughout any pregnancy I would have in the future.

And I have already been getting dirty looks of distress regarding continuing hot yoga into my pregnancy. However, you can find the Pregnancy Modifications to Bikram Yoga here, developed by Bikram's "wife". (I put wife in quotations because everyone knows Bikram is a giant man whore. He has two major rape lawsuits going on currently, which is why I don't necessarily feel the need to go to a designated "Bikram Yoga" studio. Did you know he charges studios $15K a YEAR to use his name?! Ludicrous. - Side note: I had to look up how to properly spell Ludicrous... Damn you Ludacris. LOL!)  I also found a posture by posture look at the alterations on bikramyogarichardson.com. This site is fabulous, it tells you at what stage in your pregnancy to begin altering what posture, and is way more comprehensive than Rajashree's guide.

Courtesy of Bikram Yoga Richardson - This woman looks so powerful in her postures!

Anyway, I was seriously doing yoga from weeks 1-6, obviously not aware I was knocked up, and felt perfectly fine! So, here I am, 10 weeks along and going to hot yoga fully aware I am with child... and suddenly I'm just supposed to quit??  If you're already accustomed to the heat, it actually feels amazing (and I suspect it really will as we head into the cold months). I walked into the hot room really just wanting to take a nap in there it felt so so good! As the first breathing exercise starts, Pranayama breathing, it is a challenge but once the second set has been completed, my energy level has picked up. Deep breathing and flushing my body with freshly oxygenated blood... Ahhh.

Yes, saunas & hot tubs are contraindicated for pregnancy. However, if you look into the science of hot yoga, if you are consistently practicing in the hot room, your body becomes accustomed to not raising its internal temperature in order to make it through an entire class. Which is why you see yoginis never getting sick throughout a class. But some women bring a thermometer and test themselves just to be sure (which I'll probably do). Bonus: The studio I go to has a class called "Beats" which is the same Bikram style series, but to low lights, music and minimal words. Perfect for a yogini to just do yoga and meditate into the practice. I love to talk to my baby during this and invite growth and love into our body.

Since I've had the soreness in my belly, which I guess is the stretching of the round ligament in your lower belly, and totally normal for a first pregnancy, I focus on the postures that stretch the belly. Half Moon feels wonderful, especially the backbend which I've been able to do at about 75%, once I feel the stretch, I don't push it further.

The only postures that are uncomfortable at this point are the backbends that push your belly into the floor like Floor Bow or Full Locust, but I got the chance to learn most of the alterations for when I get too big to do do the tight forward bends, which I suspect will be soon. I intend to give up the spine strengthening series in the next couple of weeks, and add in some Vinyasa/Flow postures. However, CAMEL... Give me this! I feel like the most powerful woman in the universe coming out of this backbend, and once I get to the ground, my body feels like it's melting into the earth. Camel is meant to flush and pump your cerebrospinal fluid (which is why many newcomers get dizzy and sick in camel, it can have those effects if you're not used to it), and I can only imagine that baby is reaping those benefits too.

My approach to practice has had to change, however.. I typically went into yoga as an athlete ready for the long haul, deep into every posture, pushing 100%, but now, slow and steady wins the race. I listen to my body, when I feel sick or dizzy I sit down until my heart rate has lowered completely. I leave yoga on cloud 9, my body feels good and surging with energy. And in fact, my pregnancy symptoms are not as intense the next day. I don't feel AS fatigued, or AS sick, nor as crazy with mood swings! It also relieves my body of any edema (holding water)!

After yoga (and my gym workouts), I give myself plenty - I snack on strawberries and chug coconut water on my way home. And sometimes a protein shake, depending on where I'm at nausea-wise. Sometimes the protein exacerbates it.

I just want to say this, that getting knocked up has really reinforced my desire to be who I am, and not  change my preferences and routines just because others wouldn't do it themselves, or because their pregnancy experience was bad. It is very easy to absorb the stresses and worries that others have, but my stress and worry is eased with the passing days. But I feel that their worries, are really none of my business. Just like my body, is none of theirs. Absorbing their stress, will not help me or baby. So, thanks... but no thanks. :)

How is everyone else doing these days??? Say Hi when you can!! Love you all!! :)

Baby Bang on the Way!

Turns out that the next stage I will be stepping on won't be a bikini stage, it will be the parenting stage!!

I am due probably somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May. Okay, admittedly, last time I had my cycle, it started on a random day that wasn't planned, and I forgot to chart it. :) This baby was a surprise, clearly, but a completely welcome and wanted and wonderful one!

In my last blog I posted:

{It's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get knocked down and continue to get up.}

Turns out I just got knocked up instead. Hahahahaha! Sorry, married and pregnant humor. Might not be totally appropriate, but I think the term knocked up is hilarious. Way better than preggo.

Luckily, I have so many sisters that they have collectively been through this 6 times, and by the time I give birth, 7 times. I get to inherit tons of books, maternity clothes, bits of wisdom, and the experience of being pregnant as the same time as my older sister! 

And as with any of life's surprises, the plan must change. We learn to be flexible to fit in our goals, but my goals also have to change! My health is no longer about me, it's about growing a healthy baby! Mr. Bang, of course, wants a son... I just want healthy.

My mother-in-law's reaction. ;) I should have gotten MY mom's! I can't believe I didn't!

So... Of course my next project is going to be documenting my goal of staying healthy and active during my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am elated to be pregnant, and in love, and ready to focus on being a healthy mom.

In monitoring my last couple of weeks, here's what I've got going on: :)

Squishy and growing.

Week: 6-7. For most, this would seem like too early to share the news.. But I know I am perfectly healthy and have a very strong sense that I will carry my little one to term.

Weight Gain: None yet, feel squishy though.

Sleep: Not bad, aside from my dogs who are going crazy about the howling coyotes at night. They whine outside our bedroom, but we are trying to be diligent about not giving in! If they go out one night, they'll want to go out every night. I've also been good about doing some yoga before bed, which helps me get some good, deep sleep.

Miss Anything? Wine. A bit. I will admit that it was the FIRST thing I wanted when I read the results of the test! It was like, "Oh man. I can't even process this without a nice red right now." Haha, I had NO idea what to do with myself!

Symptoms: I am feeling it, definitely. I want to be really honest about this, and you all know that I am pretty honest about my experiences... It feels like intensified PMS right now. Pressure on my uterus (Bye, male followers... Sorry...), my boobs are crazy tender. I have suddenly been crying at baby ANYTHING. Holy crap, and hello maternal instinct. Nice to meet you. Also some nausea, but not bad some days.

Mood: Elated. I can only compare my mood to the moment when my husband proposed, or when he made me his wife. It's incredible. 90% of my worry was that my husband would be scared, and he hasn't been for a moment. I also had a meltdown about not being sure I was ready. For a very long time, we were unsure and undecided about children. We were both concerned with our goals, and I didn't want to have one until I was sure. Turns out, when it was a surprise, it was perfect. After I got over my initial fears, which lasted a whole 10 minutes, I was over the moon. A lot of women have difficulties with fertility, and I'm thankful that I wasn't one of them. Should it have turned out that I wanted a baby on my own terms, and it was hard to get there, I don't know that I would have had the emotional fortitude to bear through it.

Cravings: Spicy food... Pepperoncicis have been my favorite snack. Definitely chocolate, but also a lot of fruit & cottage cheese. Mineral & sparkling waters have also become a regular habit.. sooo good with some coconut pineapple Dasani drops. But I will tell you, the hunger is insatiable. It's like prep amplified by 10.

Diet: Have mostly kept my diet the same, but have allowed myself to become a little bit more liberal with fruits, healthy fats.. avocado, fruit, cottage cheese, and yogurts where those weren't really in my regular diet. Allowing myself coconut water everyday, a healthy carb at night every night. I still keep with our protein crepes every night. :) They taste even more amazing right now!

Still working out! I didn't workout at all last week, I was battling some nausea but it's subsided the last few days so I plan to still do yoga a few times a week, and cardio with light weight workouts a few times a week. I feel good right now, and feel like working out will help me get through some of the pregnancy symptoms.. My logic is, if I can sweat some of the water weight out I won't feel so squishy? Perhaps.

Pregnancy Obedience: Okay, there is a LOT of information out there that tells you what and what not to eat. Mostly what not to eat... And it genuinely feels like everything right now. Seafood, deli meats, eggs, pineapple, milk, unpasteurized cheese like feta and goat cheese, medicines, ibuprofen... So, I'm taking it in stride and using my best judgement. I had seafood buffet on Friday, which was amazing, but I listened to myself and stopped when it didn't taste right. The clams had some residual shell.. not ideal if you have some texture issues. I also had some canned tuna the other night. Whatevs. It was delicious and got some good nutrition from it. Isn't seafood high in iron? Baby does need more of that! I am on the prenatal vitamins, so that's one point for me!

Personal Goals this Week (or two): 
1. Continue concentrating on my meal plan. I seriously get hungry an hour after I eat an entire plate of pasta or burger & fries. Being as small as I am, my RMR as a pregnant woman is only 1600 calories, so I'm giving myself more around 2000 calories being active. And what I really want to do is give myself plenty of nutrition, instead of reaching for any random craving. We all know that we can control what we give ourselves.
2. Focus on lots of water. Again, the hunger is nutso, trying to get in more water to make sure its not just dehydration before I reach for my next meal 2 hours too early.. :)
3. Start cleaning out the office. Our home is two bedrooms right now, in which we currently use it as an office. Aaaand storage. We also have a utility room, which is packed full of stuff. I really need to organize, go to the dump, and take some stuff to the GoodWill in the back room... Specifically so II can really get some stuff out of the office, and organized into the backroom before I'm too uncomfortable to do stuff like that. We do have some plans to remodel the house this winter, so that will help once that is done.

We won't find out the sex of the baby until probably Thanksgiving or Christmas, but we definitely want to know. Our first sonogram is on Thursday, September 19th, so that should be enlightening.

Welcome to my fit-pregnancy journal! I completely understand if the subject matter isn't for everyone, but eventually I hope for this to become my journal back to fitbody post-baby! :) 

Progression

Turns out that my posts are just getting short... I have so much to say and so much in my heart, but it seems as though I can never concentrate my thoughts long enough to make a beautiful succinct piece of writing anymore. :)

Once upon a time, I used this blog as a way to motivate myself and others to continue to progress in their health and fitness. While I totally back girls who are working out to better themselves simply for aesthetic reasons, because I believe in loving your body...  This is also to support peeps who really want to better themselves, progress their physical fitness, and work on long-term health. I guess its safe to say that I semi-fell away from that, mostly because I was in preparation for my first competition.

Yes, there will be competitions for me in the future - the fire in my heart never died. I desperately want to hit the stage again... But just like anything, there is a process. And while working through an injury, the process is slow.. but any progression is good.

SO! I'm happy to report that I am progressing. My diet has been tight, which has been the only thing I've been able to control with my hip injury. I'm up to doing hot yoga 3x a week, and doing cardio 3x a week with a light lift (OMG YAY!). I basically can only do upper body at this point and core, no lower back strenuous movements, but that is WAY better than I was doing last month. I'm not walking around like a hunchback, my transitions from sitting to standing are fluid (finally!) and I'm definitely not having major muscle spasms anymore - which means, I'm completely off medication again! WOOT!

My goal throughout the healing process, was to be able to get to regular lifting by September, and I think I'm on track with that. By all intents and purposes, I am lifting regularly, so I suppose I should clarify that I mean regular lifting WITH LEGS by Sept.

{It's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get knocked down and continue to get up.}

So, here is my beginning of August progress pic. For myself, I am going to start posting my progress... and once I feel comfortable with it... A whole segment on my legs & backside... because this is going to be a serious project. ;)

Oy, this is hard... My legs have far to go... I do always love my shoulder roundness!

What's everyone working on now?? What body part are you working hard on or what goals are you crushing?? Because I KNOW you are!!! :)

The Struggle to Be More

I have been close yet distant, and vague yet detailed about my life. It’s so easy to show the best sides of one’s life, but not quite as easy to show the other sides. I think that I always feel that “everyone else is struggling, why would anyone want to listen to my struggle or hear me complain?” But I find myself in a more problematic predicament, that there is no way around. There is no way to change it, or sit around and hope that one day my schedule clears up so I can have my workout or blog time back.

Have you heard of the Facebook Depression? I was reading that its basically when you get depressed because you see all of the highlights of someone else’s life on their Facebook. Ha! Its true. I can’t tell you how many Stay at Home Mom’s Facebooks I stalk and Sigh at. Or see cute pictures of friends having a wonderful time with their cute kids, on the daily.

So, I’m just here to reiterate that my life isn’t always swell, and in fact, I struggle, I work and I know that most of you know where I’m at: Overstressed and injured with no time. And thus comes the struggle to be more.

We Support Each Other’s Dreams
There was a period of time where I could focus on my dreams completely, and then there was a period of time where I even had help achieving my dream. But right now, I’m in a period in life, where my husband needs my talents in order to achieve his dreams which is provide for our family and make us to be more than we currently are… but the journey is a lot longer than contest prep. It cannot be condensed into 12, 16 or even 20 weeks. In fact, this is now my life indefinitely.

When last year I anticipated that I would be busy, I did not stop to even consider the long term. I now work a 50 hour work week at my hospital job, and if I’m lucky, I only spend an extra 20 hours doing Administrative support for Bang’s Lawn Care. And I don’t earn a dime for this. And sometimes he needs help with jobs, which I also don’t get a cent for.

What I’m earning is a new life, a better life than what we have now. Supporting my husband’s dream has been even more challenging than trying for my own. This has meant endless meetings in order to learn accounting, learning all about owning a business, having employees and getting into radio advertising. I have become increasingly interested in Branding and Marketing, all to make this dream come true. Not to mention, just being a normal person and making time for anyone in my life is a huge struggle. One in which almost no one understands, and I get flack about it almost weekly – And I respond kindly, without excuses, even though that is not my first reaction.

But I’m Not Done!
And yet, when you spend all your time simply trying to make a living and support someone else’s dream… It’s not like yours goes anywhere. It’s still there. Inside my heart.Waiting for the time.

So this is the struggle. My heart feels the need to work toward my goals, even though I have almost no time to do so and have body limitations that are beyond my training knowledge. It’s depressing to look at workout plans and practically dissect them to weed out all of the exercises that are contraindicated for my conditions. Can’t squat. Can’t deadlift. Can’t machine hack squat. Can’t do some plyos. Can’t lunge. Can’t do any direct glute or hip work.

And don’t get me started on how long this has been. This has, by far, been the longest recovery period of my life. 6 months of hip healing, that has been incredibly painful both physically and mentally. I often feel lost.

In my lostness, there is a righteous anger. I’m fed up with hurting. Being in constant pain, makes me angry enough to work harder than I have in the past. I’m trying to work smarter and be in control of my plans… My plans that will be enacted the moment I have free time.

Upward and Onward

I’ve decided to no longer hide my struggles or hide my life. This blog IS about hard work isn’t it?? I'm weeding out the negatives in my life, and have decided to no longer spend my time "holding on". Because that is what it has seemed like. Holding on until the next moment where I can breathe and do what I want. But just like worry, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. And I definitely don't!

This now has to be what I want. In order for our business to become all that it can, and in order for me to achieve my own dreams, I have to want everything I have to do within each and every single day. I want to work. I want to do invoicing. And I NEED my workout time. I don't have time, I make time.

The Struggle to Be More
The interesting thing about life, is sometimes it requires you to become a better person. I never realized how incredibly selfish I was until my personal time was challenged, along with my patience, ego, commitment, and honor as a wife.

I'm struggling to be more of everything. Everything that life is requiring of me right now. Its almost like prep, you trust the plan that it will yield results. I rely solely on the hope that if I work hard and struggle long enough to be more... I will just be more.

Where do you struggle to be more than you are? How do you make yourself happy when committing your time to others??

Changing My Capacity

I've recently received some random emails and comments on this blog and I just want to set one thing straight: I am not a trainer, nor do I claim to be.... And this blog, is for me. I'm not out here trying to get more followers or strengthen my brand as an athlete. Although its something I have wanted, I also need a place to express my feelings and sentiments... Judge if you wish, but this is a place for women to be empowered and find a friend in someone who struggles with their weight. I do not claim to be perfect, in fact, this is a major struggle of mine.

Please know, that if you visit this blog and need a friend in someone who battles with food issues, you will find it here. :) Also know, that if you visit this blog, I'm brutally honest about myself. Haha

Physical Therapy Status.

Ugh I hate talking about this. Not because I don't want to share, I just wish my news was a little bit more exciting. My SI strain is a slow healer. Originally my thoughts were to share my journey, but I'll be honest... Videos of me doing planks... Isn't like watching Erin Stern doing... anything. Jump squats, sprints, talking, anything. LOL! But seriously, isn't she amazing..

In discussing this journey, it really is the most boring, most basic, and yet most important work I could be doing. It has occurred to me that people who really do take it all the way back to basics, and work their strength back from the ground up, can have even more symmetrical bodies. 

And that is exactly what I'm doing! You want to talk basic? Let's talk 30 second planks, perfectly. Or doing balancing acts with only resistance bands. On one hand its completely humiliating, coming from a girl who once considered herself to be an athlete. At one point, I wondered if 8 separate exercises per body part with 4 sets a piece might  need to be cut back. LOL! 

But taking the time to basically start over in my fitness, is allowing me to fix any kind of muscular imbalances I have. I guess when I really first started lifting, I didn't work my core enough and now I'm on a mission to fix that. And maybe its cocky of me, but I think I'm going to have stellar abs when its all said and done. 

So, maybe a little humility was exactly what I needed. Don't take your own health and fitness for granted, that's the lesson to learn here.

Prep on the Brain.

All I can think about is prep lately. I'm sure it has something to do with all of my competitor-friends prepping, and I think its because I have achieved some clarity about what I would do differently next prep, and post-prep! But I think its also about the fact that I was my strongest at the end of last prep. Although depleted and completely weak, I was at my strongest. 

Changing my Capacity for All Things.

While I'm working intensely on the healing process, I'm also considering my goals and where I want to be. I'll be honest here, I didn't intend on gaining 20 lbs after prep and instead of beating myself up for it, its time to change it. I'm changing my capacity for it all. While life is so extremely busy (did I mention my husband got a job while our Lawn Care business is exploding?), I'm changing my capacity to take it all in and handle one thing at a time... But things for myself, above all else. 

During all of this, I've rearranged my schedule to allow myself consistency. Starting so so slow, with about the lowest cardio you could ask for: 10 minutes. It could be so easy to add in a bunch of cardio, and take my diet down to lose some poundage, but its times like this you must take advantage of your own metabolism. I don't mean abuse it, but let's be honest. My diet hasn't been 100% clean, and I'll be the first to admit that my workout schedule has been anywhere from 2-3 days a week for the last 9 months or so. NOT what I wanted for myself, but what I needed at the time. 

Since I know what my schedule has been, I don't need to add in a ton more for it to be effective on my metabolism. At this point, any consistent working out and clean eating will change my body. 

New Goals.

Entering the month of May, I've decided to take on some new goals. I'm a month away from my certification at work, so it will be time to take on some more. :) 

Bringing Back the Body Goal: I'm taking the next 12 weeks to put my clean eating skills to the test, with an easy meal plan and workout schedule. My goal is to add on a few pounds in muscle, and tighten up some inches. I no longer have any desire to have a weight goal, but more of a look I want. 

Prep Goal: I'd like to be able to prep again next winter, or sooner depending. 

Fitness Goals: This one in particular is long term, but I'd like to be able to squat 50 lbs again. 

I want to be able to run a 5K by the end of the summer.

This Week's Goals: Keep on with my nutribullet shakes (hell yeah!), commit to the new workout schedule, get my ass to yoga at least once (day of my choosing), and get my garden planted so I can make delicious organic home grown food this summer. :)

What are your coming goals?? :) If you're just coming out of prep, what are your goals post-comp??? Can't wait to hear what everyone is planning this summer!!

I Got Average.

Hey hey!

Life from my view..
Now, while I have been absent to this blog, I haven't been absent to life. I know I have stated before that I have just been incredibly busy (aren't we all?!), but most of it has been working overtime. MAJOR overtime. My workspace and the protocols in which we conduct our office has gone through a large over-haul which had begun during last prep and will likely continue through the next year to two years, and I have been a big player in creating new and innovative ideas that will reduce duplication and time-wasters.

Also! I've been studying for the certification of my position.. So anyway, my time is pretty limited.

Seasons.
I had thought at one time that if you truly love something, that is kept up all the time. Full-time, never goes away. EVAR. But when prep ended, I was flat burnt out. I couldn't even think about fitness and mostly didn't want to. I can tell you that I really really wanted to work out but was so short on time, because that's what I was telling myself. I kept trying to reinforce what I should be doing, and should be eating, created dozens of diet plans for myself, devised many cardio plans, and initiated some training plans... But this just wasn't the season for hard training.

And I was kidding myself. I could not just LET GO of what I wanted to use in life to make myself feel proud. Then I got injured. I strained my SI again. Which was probably the result of hard glute training and not enough stretching... And then just stopping the training.

When excessive behavior swings too far in to excess, we either 1-die or 2-change. And I've found that in the far excess, with enough desire to change, the pendulum finds itself on a swift path to the other side. And in that journey, I found myself passing over good healthy diets that kept me sane. I attempted diets that hooked me into results... which was fine at the time. Or so I thought it would be. Turns out I wasn't. Turns out when the metaphorical pendulum in me began to traverse back down, I lost the control to stop it.

Obviously the worst thing about all of this, isn't the weight gained. Of course it crosses my mind what people think about me.. They watched me lose 75 lbs, and then rebound back with 20 lbs post contest. And that hurts. Its honestly what has kept me away from this blog. I combat the embarrassment and anger all the time.

I whine about the season of life I'm in. I'll admit it. Right now I'm in the season of studying and working hard, which is honestly just as uncomfortable as prep was. To comfort where I actually wanted to be, which is the gym, is to eat and eat comfort food to make my day not so grueling. If it seems so opposite, that's because it is.

Its easy for some to say "Quit that behavior", but it is genuinely very difficult for some to do. Its a day to day struggle that I have to make a conscious decision on.

First of all, the back thing.
Yeah, so... 9 years ago I was a stupid kid who thought I was way better at rock climbing than I actually was. It was August and 100 degrees outside and I traversed a rock face that I had climbed before, but never without being roped in. Long story short, I ended up with a titanium cage around my spinal cord and a spinal fusion of the T12-L2. It still gives me issues to this day.

Recently my doctor found that there had been some loosening of my hardware which is causing me major muscle spasms. It feels like my whole Lat muscle on both sides has a charlie horse. ALL OVER IT. It sends electric pains down my legs. Needless to say it had me very worried. I talked to a neurosurgeon who felt that the risk of surgery would be greater than the benefit would be, so I am only to continue with physical therapy. I have always been afraid of this situation. Knowing what goes into surgical procedures is my job, and it is common knowledge that knee or hip replacements are only meant to last 10-15 years... How long could a spine replacement last?!

LUCKILY! This week, my overtime goes down and I start PT.

Well, I got average.
In all of this, I forgot my reason to be great. Since I have been in pain and forced to not lift, it was like a part of my soul had been forcibly taken. My standards fell, and so did my confidence. And thus, all my motivation.

I love the Biggest Loser, and seeing Jillian back!

I'm not interested in being a cardio bunny. Sure, I like a hard run, but I don't believe that ever doing one thing only will bring you good results. Our bodies were designed for adversity. Although I will not be running anytime soon, I crave the ability to sweat hard from a terribly hard workout. I can't even push my body that hard at this point. However, studies have shown that the best people, happiest, highest powered, most wise, recently wealthy, is due to the simple fact that they faced adversity and overcame it.

The same studies have shown that people who have everything handed to them in life, end up less wealthy, less wise, and more depressed. Excess isn't a positive thing when not earned. (I can certainly provide references, if someone REALLY has an issue with this statement. In which case, you're probably spoiled rotten. LOL!)

We CRAVE things to make ourselves proud.

And it isn't like I got overweight, I'm not. Just average.

But if there is anything I am positive about myself, is that I am not average.

So, in the coming weeks follow me on my journey to recovery. I will show what I am learning about keeping a healthy spine, and track my progress in getting back to my goal strength! I am less concerned about my body weight, as I am being strong and my body being functional.

Stay tuned!  First PT appointment & beginning progress pics this week!

18 Weeks Out: Off Season Gone in a Flash

There was a time, a few weeks ago, where I wasn't even sure if I was going to prep. I tend to get a little hard on myself, and the guilty feeling can weigh on a person like no other. However, it IS coming. I do not wish to continue wasting any more time... I want to see the improvements I have made in my muscularity, and I KNOW they are there! My booty is SUPA round... Am I itching to see some good booty contest photos? HELLS YES!

18 Weeks Out... From What?
I am currently 18 weeks out tomorrow from the Emerald Cup in Bellevue, WA (Seattle for those across the country). I have a few other shows I am considering, but really want to experience a big show like the Emerald. I am also considering the Empire Classic, which is the following weekend here in Spokane. A gf of mine wants to do the Tanji Johnson at the end of March, but I'm certain I won't be ready by then.

I have really been wanting to do the Emerald Cup (I cancelled on this last year due to a tight budget), and as we found out at my first competition last year, my muscularity is a bit more than the local shows. :)  At the Empire Classic, they were looking for a “softer” look in Bikini… (Side Rant: This seriously pisses me off. It’s an effing Body Building competition and judges were looking for a soft look?!) But I’m an adult and will be gracious about my placing (HAHA). It just goes to show that my physique would probably do better in a bigger show.

I've got a couple tricks (and perhaps a few more shows) up my sleeve, but we'll talk about that when the time comes. :)

Oh, improvement season.
Yeah sure, I liked my off season alright. A little too much some days. I can still barely imagine having gone through prep last year like I did. My work life went crazy and I'm a bit nervous about juggling it all again, in addition to Bang’s Lawn Care again… Which I fully expect to be busier than last year. Holy prep gods, help me.

But to be really honest, I found the off season just to be confusing! I almost felt like I ended up with a skewed view of food and working out. It took me a LONG time to not feel conflicted about eating a whole wheat english muffin with almond butter. And it took all of my mental strength not to use working out as a "punishment" for eating bad.

On the other hand, it was really nice to not NEED to be concerned with EVERYTHING! I slept in, I drank sugary coffees when I felt like it, I did lifts with NO CARDIO. Bliss.

Other bonuses about off season? Lifting heavy, bigger boobs, not being all shakey & depleted all the time. Oh yeah, and HAVING time!!

My main offseason focuses were the BOOTAY and my abs. I have had no abs to this point, and can't wait to see them poke out like little hawaiian sweet rolls (yeah, prep time=food analogies). And that ass has been hurting all year. I tried a difficult rep scheme & weekly schedule geared towards gains to see what I could pull out. I get accused of over-training ALL. The. Time. from people in the gym, but I'm not a huge believer in overtraining. I think its a lot more difficult to overtrain than people think. With proper nutrition, your body can do amazing things you couldn't even fathom.

That all being said, I trained my glutes 3x a week in my off season (Monday - quads/glutes, Weds- hams/glutes, Fri-glutes), and my abs 3x a week. Spaced all appropriately for rest, it was difficult and my legs always hurt. It is important to have the proper nutrition, sleep, and stretching if going this route! I will admit that I struggled with stretching toward the end of this year, and therefore hurt my SI (again) but this is a feasible thing if you're looking to make big improvements! Really hoping to see some big improvements in the leg overall! Quads, glutes, hams... I want it all!

Prep Time.
Lets go. Starting off nice and easy with low low cardio. Just nice, steady and consistent! I have a hard enough time getting the will to do cardio, so starting slow is my best bet. I’m starting at a higher weight this year, since I didn’t do as great of a job at keeping lean year round… Happy marriage weight! I guess it's just another chance to learn that lesson.

I’ve been dragging my heels a bit on the morning cardio, but it will happen! Diet is in lockdown, and I’m gearing up for a hard 5 months of training.

Who Makes Goals During Prep?
I want to know... Who out there has goals to reach within prep? Do you have a weight goal? Or a body fat goal? Are you looking for improvement photos?? I just want to know.

My top goal this prep, is to see improvements on my physique. I've continued to lift and lift a lot and lift a lot of heavy things, so I NEED to see what's under here. :) And the real improvement I want to see, is AGAIN the booty lol... I want stage Glutes better than this! (Justine Munro glutes, anyone?)

Let’s go BIKINI BEAST!!!

How did I get here?

Man, I'm in like the most surreal life at the moment. Last time we talked I was 8 weeks out, ready to murder my FG, and struggling to hang on to the whirlwind of busy life. So much has happened since then.

First of All.
I don't like being busy all the time. By nature, I'm somewhat of an introvert and very much of a homebody. I crave time at home and really try to leave Sundays for just that. I feel that by being super busy, I pull in more than I can actually handle... Meaning, once I start saying yes to anything, I start saying yes to everything. I've started and not posted at least 3 blogs describing how overwhelmed I felt.

So to deal with my crazy life, and not reward myself with food, I started booking all my shizz for my shows to keep myself distracted and looking forward to things. I made sure my tans were in order for both shows. I've confirmed my hair and waxing appointments. I have been tracking the shipping on my suit, and buying things for my show.

Bling!

This is a stage bracelet I picked out :)

I bought myself a silk robe, because I read that it doesn't take off the tan as much as cotton or velour.

I also bought new shoes. As you can see above that my old shoes on the left were just trashed. Although I had never worn them on stage, I practiced A-LOT! I also chose to go with the ankle straps this time, I never quite felt secure in the style of my old ones.

My suit should be here any day... :)

Swagger.
My prep coaches have been showering me with swagger lately! I told them that is how you keep your clients loyal, give them swagger! LOL!

We got this a few weeks ago. Pretty awesome loose tank!

My prep coaches wife made this, a bag for my shoes, but I'm gonna use it for my suit.

Awesome hoodie! Its so warm I just love it.

And my tanning appointment vendor sent me this in the mail for the Emerald Cup! WORD! :D

Cardio.
Still hanging out doing about 60 minutes a day. I've been taking it down a notch on the elliptical just to make sure I'm not getting sick. SOMEHOW I have managed not to get sick even though I took care of sick Patrick for a whole week.

Weights.
Strength is decreasing but overall I'm having really good workouts. Getting to that point where working out is getting exciting because its so close to the show.

Diet.
NBD. Just kind of hanging in there. This week I finally felt like I found my stride, and the diet got easier. Really not tempted around the house (finally). I started to incorporate more fish this week, just to get myself used to it for what is coming. And it IS coming lol.

5 Week Check-In.
Doing well, my body is starting to shrink in quite a bit.  Weighing in at 109.5lbs which is putting me at 11% body fat. Right on track to hit my weight/body fat goal for stage day.

Not much is changing this week, and the extra fish will help adjust me naturally to the next steps in my diet plan. Protein powders will be phased out very soon, I am sure. In which I am prepared with TONS of extra fish and chicken. Joy!

In Other News.
I'm an engaged woman! I got caught completely by surprise on Friday night when out to dinner at a cheat meal where I THOUGHT we were going to look at rings! I had no idea it was coming. Come to find out he had actually planned on doing it next month after my competition, but couldn't wait. :) He had the cutest planned speech, and I'm so glad that he somehow was sneaky enough to get it all on video because now I can barely remember what he said. The whole time he was going through his speech I was going, "Is this it?! Is this happening right now?! Is this IT?!" He did it at my favorite restaurant, which is right by our house and kind of a homey little romantic place that I adore.

This is so much prettier than anything I had in mind! And Sparkley-er!

I have to get it sized, its huge on my finger but I don't want to part with it! I'm just enjoying being engaged and hopefully it won't become a big stressor... I think we're going to take steps to make sure we're not stressed much by the planning as well as the finances as we'll be paying for it ourselves... AND we're probably getting married in August. So soon!

If nothing else, I can plan wedding stuff to give my mind something to focus on aside from prep!

Have a great week everyone! :)

There's No Way

Help! I've fallen off the wagon and I CAN get up!
Admittedly, I got carried away with food. Everything was tasting SO GOOD! The dragon got me.  However, life has been a struggle lately. Many of you know, my grandpa's health has taken a turn for the worse in the last few weeks so the majority of my free time is with family. And aside from that, I struggle with life and what I want to do in it... I'm pretty sure all of you know how I feel about my job right now. lol!

But I got FED the EFF UP! Does anyone remember what self-loathing feels like? No? Well, its an effing circle that sucks you down. Whirlpool of doubt and suck. I spent a good portion of Thursday letting myself get fed up, crying, and figuring my own crap out. And sometimes, FED UP is the best place to be in. FED UP is what got me to where I am now. So, I started to begin my cut (as planned for November) today instead of Monday. Still had a heavy leg day yesterday to make use of the glycogen in my muscles from excess sugar/crap/carbs/fat/blah.

Also! I am now going to be working with my trainer once a week to two weeks. Having someone to talk to about your issues and help you figure out how to get around them is absolutely priceless! This month without working with him just proved to me that I need my trainers. All the time. Not just on prep.

Prepping for Contest Prep.
So, I feel that I need to explain myself.. I feel like I didn't really explain very well about the pink suit, because I hear from people that they like the pink suit for me... I didn't expect it to be THAT pink... I can handle like a dark coral color and thought that might look good on my complexion, but super-barbie-pink? I'm just not the kind of girl who could pull that off. I'm a little bit more tomboy and PINK-pink makes me feel uncomfortable. lol! I want to feel thrilled about my suit. And whatever, gives me an excuse to shop for a new suit. ;) I haven't decided if I'm going to try to sell the pink suit or not, kinda nice to have an extra suit to pose in.
My newest endeavor has been choosing a bottom. LOL! The rules have changed in some states in what kind of cut a bikini bottom can have... but the lines seem so fuzzy. Was trying to figure out what I can get away with. lol (Can I get a HI-Ohhhh?!) The rules state that the cut has to cover at least 50% of the gluteus maximus, but honestly... I don't think women are doing this much coverage even at local competitions.

Moving on, back when I was in prep, Patrick expressed concern with me doing back to back shows. Just because my man missed me, but there are things to be said about contest prep. So much to notice and learn about yourself. Patterns, thought processes, insecurities.. And at about 9 weeks out, I gave up. I gave up resisting what contest prep wanted to give me.

There's no way I couldn't not get better as a person. Being on contest prep is more or less a Pressure Cooker. You're developing a body that is stage ready but life continues on. There are responsibilities of the real world that cannot be overlooked. And I believe that you can choose to do one of two things during contest prep:

1. You can let your insecurities get the best of you, neglect your relationship, ignore your friends, breakdown crying, complain about prep, and STRESS!

OR

2. You can embrace your insecurities as opportunities and strive to be a better person than you were the day before.

For me, there was no way I could maintain my relationships as I was: Insecure, unsure, OCD, emotional, exhausted, financially frivolous, stressed, STRESSED, anxious, self-loathing, self-defeating, self-depreciating, and selfish. Obviously, my relationship with Patrick is top priority. Going into this prep, I had to make things better. I gave every effort to seeing myself as I am, which is beyond hard. I know that I am a stressed person, and when my stress is bad... It really affects Patrick.

I had to consciously choose my attitude on the daily around him. I really didn't want to make a stressful situation like prep, even more stressful on him. I constantly worked to make it easier on him: tried hard to not complain, still gave him the foods I couldn't eat, offered to do chores I hated, offered to help him with things that I didn't want to, still carried on with my own chores, gave him backrubs when I wanted to pass out, and worked on my attitude in order to not drive this man away.

And Patrick did his best to support me. I know I have given him MANY MANY kudos on here but I don't think I could express the magnitude of how incredible this man is. But will try:
1. When I was too tired to make me dinner, although Patrick doesn't cook he would do his best to cook or at least help me... Constantly asking me what else he needed to do.
2. He offered to help me clean the house so I could be done faster. He began to even put away his own laundry and taking out the trash without me asking. It wasn't that he didn't want to before, I just am Miss Independent and I rarely ask for help.
3. He was always telling me how incredible I looked, even on week 8 when I only felt flabby. Or on week 3 when completely retaining water. Or on week 2 when bloated due to TOM. And on Peak Week when I was fighting sickness, looked like a zombie and would cry at the mention of pumpkin bread or sex.
4. On days I was struggling, he would text me that I'm amazing and can have anything in life that I want.
5. He would tell me that he sees me as a Pro Athlete. (HUGE! When you're just struggling to be enough, hearing that you act and train like a pro was incredible... I'm tearing up thinking about it.)
6. We got really good at communicating, if I was tired and depleted and on the verge of tears... I would tell him. If he needed to not hear about my diet and training for a night, he would tell me. If I was too tired to have a certain conversation, I would communicate. And we would both honor each other in that.
7. He learned not to take my tone personal. Right before Peak Week I was stressing about getting chores done when I was really tired and I was crying about it... And said, "Babe, I have to get it done because no one else is going to do it." And that was never an attack on him, so he has learned that during this time he just can't take my words personally. Ooh, the next day I said something like "Babe, did you feed the dogs? Or is that a chore I need to do?" Simple question, but could have been taken wrong very easily.
8. There were days where he would initiate us going to bed at 7 when he could see I was clearly struggling.
9. Toward the end of prep, we were struggling financially for some of my stage stuff... But he initiated selling things on CraigsList to come up with funds. That man truly does want my dreams to come true.

But my point in all this really, is just to say... Spend time reflecting on who you are, during prep or off-season. Allow yourself the humility to have grace and forgiveness on yourself. Forget the past, forget the future, and live in what you want for yourself right now. Don't wait. Life your life right now.

Back off the rabbit trail.
When Patrick originally expressed concern over my contest schedule in September, we agreed that I would only do 1-2 shows a year for however long I want to continue in it.  But given the fact that I have learned SO much about myself and how I handle stress, I am very much less stressed out in off-season than I used to be. So, I really want this next year to see what I can do and being as I have the best man ever, he understood and is choosing to support me in this contest schedule this year (remember how I like to plan lol):
-The Emerald Cup in Bellevue, WA on April 21st. This is a big show and very big for my first one... but oh well! I'm not intimidated.
-The Empire Classic here in Spokane on April 28th, although not a national qualifier. And depending on my placement at the Emerald Cup, if I still want to try for a National Qualifier...
-The Bill Pearl Classic in Bend, OR on May 12th.
Should I decide I want to try my hand at a National Show, I may do one at the end of next year. I know I will need a break during the summer. I prepped ALL last summer, and think I'd like to have some of the summer next year to enjoy. Maybe Nationals in Florida. We'll see. Always fun to dream about possibilities though. Am I right? :)

PS- I chose blue. Already ordered. ;)

This girls' booty is sore and ready for this cut! Progress pictures are going to wait another week or two... Its a hard thing to post your own booty on a blog for all to see! lol!

But!! Here is a pic of us from Halloween :) We were Joe & Jill Dirt. But NO ONE got it! Eventually I had to take sharpie to his shirt to say "Life's a Garden - Dig It." And then people got it!

Anyone seeing those HAMS?! :D I like it like it..

Have a great weekend friends!!