Baby Bang on the Way!

Turns out that the next stage I will be stepping on won't be a bikini stage, it will be the parenting stage!!

I am due probably somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May. Okay, admittedly, last time I had my cycle, it started on a random day that wasn't planned, and I forgot to chart it. :) This baby was a surprise, clearly, but a completely welcome and wanted and wonderful one!

In my last blog I posted:

{It's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get knocked down and continue to get up.}

Turns out I just got knocked up instead. Hahahahaha! Sorry, married and pregnant humor. Might not be totally appropriate, but I think the term knocked up is hilarious. Way better than preggo.

Luckily, I have so many sisters that they have collectively been through this 6 times, and by the time I give birth, 7 times. I get to inherit tons of books, maternity clothes, bits of wisdom, and the experience of being pregnant as the same time as my older sister! 

And as with any of life's surprises, the plan must change. We learn to be flexible to fit in our goals, but my goals also have to change! My health is no longer about me, it's about growing a healthy baby! Mr. Bang, of course, wants a son... I just want healthy.

My mother-in-law's reaction. ;) I should have gotten MY mom's! I can't believe I didn't!

So... Of course my next project is going to be documenting my goal of staying healthy and active during my ENTIRE pregnancy. I am elated to be pregnant, and in love, and ready to focus on being a healthy mom.

In monitoring my last couple of weeks, here's what I've got going on: :)

Squishy and growing.

Week: 6-7. For most, this would seem like too early to share the news.. But I know I am perfectly healthy and have a very strong sense that I will carry my little one to term.

Weight Gain: None yet, feel squishy though.

Sleep: Not bad, aside from my dogs who are going crazy about the howling coyotes at night. They whine outside our bedroom, but we are trying to be diligent about not giving in! If they go out one night, they'll want to go out every night. I've also been good about doing some yoga before bed, which helps me get some good, deep sleep.

Miss Anything? Wine. A bit. I will admit that it was the FIRST thing I wanted when I read the results of the test! It was like, "Oh man. I can't even process this without a nice red right now." Haha, I had NO idea what to do with myself!

Symptoms: I am feeling it, definitely. I want to be really honest about this, and you all know that I am pretty honest about my experiences... It feels like intensified PMS right now. Pressure on my uterus (Bye, male followers... Sorry...), my boobs are crazy tender. I have suddenly been crying at baby ANYTHING. Holy crap, and hello maternal instinct. Nice to meet you. Also some nausea, but not bad some days.

Mood: Elated. I can only compare my mood to the moment when my husband proposed, or when he made me his wife. It's incredible. 90% of my worry was that my husband would be scared, and he hasn't been for a moment. I also had a meltdown about not being sure I was ready. For a very long time, we were unsure and undecided about children. We were both concerned with our goals, and I didn't want to have one until I was sure. Turns out, when it was a surprise, it was perfect. After I got over my initial fears, which lasted a whole 10 minutes, I was over the moon. A lot of women have difficulties with fertility, and I'm thankful that I wasn't one of them. Should it have turned out that I wanted a baby on my own terms, and it was hard to get there, I don't know that I would have had the emotional fortitude to bear through it.

Cravings: Spicy food... Pepperoncicis have been my favorite snack. Definitely chocolate, but also a lot of fruit & cottage cheese. Mineral & sparkling waters have also become a regular habit.. sooo good with some coconut pineapple Dasani drops. But I will tell you, the hunger is insatiable. It's like prep amplified by 10.

Diet: Have mostly kept my diet the same, but have allowed myself to become a little bit more liberal with fruits, healthy fats.. avocado, fruit, cottage cheese, and yogurts where those weren't really in my regular diet. Allowing myself coconut water everyday, a healthy carb at night every night. I still keep with our protein crepes every night. :) They taste even more amazing right now!

Still working out! I didn't workout at all last week, I was battling some nausea but it's subsided the last few days so I plan to still do yoga a few times a week, and cardio with light weight workouts a few times a week. I feel good right now, and feel like working out will help me get through some of the pregnancy symptoms.. My logic is, if I can sweat some of the water weight out I won't feel so squishy? Perhaps.

Pregnancy Obedience: Okay, there is a LOT of information out there that tells you what and what not to eat. Mostly what not to eat... And it genuinely feels like everything right now. Seafood, deli meats, eggs, pineapple, milk, unpasteurized cheese like feta and goat cheese, medicines, ibuprofen... So, I'm taking it in stride and using my best judgement. I had seafood buffet on Friday, which was amazing, but I listened to myself and stopped when it didn't taste right. The clams had some residual shell.. not ideal if you have some texture issues. I also had some canned tuna the other night. Whatevs. It was delicious and got some good nutrition from it. Isn't seafood high in iron? Baby does need more of that! I am on the prenatal vitamins, so that's one point for me!

Personal Goals this Week (or two): 
1. Continue concentrating on my meal plan. I seriously get hungry an hour after I eat an entire plate of pasta or burger & fries. Being as small as I am, my RMR as a pregnant woman is only 1600 calories, so I'm giving myself more around 2000 calories being active. And what I really want to do is give myself plenty of nutrition, instead of reaching for any random craving. We all know that we can control what we give ourselves.
2. Focus on lots of water. Again, the hunger is nutso, trying to get in more water to make sure its not just dehydration before I reach for my next meal 2 hours too early.. :)
3. Start cleaning out the office. Our home is two bedrooms right now, in which we currently use it as an office. Aaaand storage. We also have a utility room, which is packed full of stuff. I really need to organize, go to the dump, and take some stuff to the GoodWill in the back room... Specifically so II can really get some stuff out of the office, and organized into the backroom before I'm too uncomfortable to do stuff like that. We do have some plans to remodel the house this winter, so that will help once that is done.

We won't find out the sex of the baby until probably Thanksgiving or Christmas, but we definitely want to know. Our first sonogram is on Thursday, September 19th, so that should be enlightening.

Welcome to my fit-pregnancy journal! I completely understand if the subject matter isn't for everyone, but eventually I hope for this to become my journal back to fitbody post-baby! :) 

The Struggle to Be More

I have been close yet distant, and vague yet detailed about my life. It’s so easy to show the best sides of one’s life, but not quite as easy to show the other sides. I think that I always feel that “everyone else is struggling, why would anyone want to listen to my struggle or hear me complain?” But I find myself in a more problematic predicament, that there is no way around. There is no way to change it, or sit around and hope that one day my schedule clears up so I can have my workout or blog time back.

Have you heard of the Facebook Depression? I was reading that its basically when you get depressed because you see all of the highlights of someone else’s life on their Facebook. Ha! Its true. I can’t tell you how many Stay at Home Mom’s Facebooks I stalk and Sigh at. Or see cute pictures of friends having a wonderful time with their cute kids, on the daily.

So, I’m just here to reiterate that my life isn’t always swell, and in fact, I struggle, I work and I know that most of you know where I’m at: Overstressed and injured with no time. And thus comes the struggle to be more.

We Support Each Other’s Dreams
There was a period of time where I could focus on my dreams completely, and then there was a period of time where I even had help achieving my dream. But right now, I’m in a period in life, where my husband needs my talents in order to achieve his dreams which is provide for our family and make us to be more than we currently are… but the journey is a lot longer than contest prep. It cannot be condensed into 12, 16 or even 20 weeks. In fact, this is now my life indefinitely.

When last year I anticipated that I would be busy, I did not stop to even consider the long term. I now work a 50 hour work week at my hospital job, and if I’m lucky, I only spend an extra 20 hours doing Administrative support for Bang’s Lawn Care. And I don’t earn a dime for this. And sometimes he needs help with jobs, which I also don’t get a cent for.

What I’m earning is a new life, a better life than what we have now. Supporting my husband’s dream has been even more challenging than trying for my own. This has meant endless meetings in order to learn accounting, learning all about owning a business, having employees and getting into radio advertising. I have become increasingly interested in Branding and Marketing, all to make this dream come true. Not to mention, just being a normal person and making time for anyone in my life is a huge struggle. One in which almost no one understands, and I get flack about it almost weekly – And I respond kindly, without excuses, even though that is not my first reaction.

But I’m Not Done!
And yet, when you spend all your time simply trying to make a living and support someone else’s dream… It’s not like yours goes anywhere. It’s still there. Inside my heart.Waiting for the time.

So this is the struggle. My heart feels the need to work toward my goals, even though I have almost no time to do so and have body limitations that are beyond my training knowledge. It’s depressing to look at workout plans and practically dissect them to weed out all of the exercises that are contraindicated for my conditions. Can’t squat. Can’t deadlift. Can’t machine hack squat. Can’t do some plyos. Can’t lunge. Can’t do any direct glute or hip work.

And don’t get me started on how long this has been. This has, by far, been the longest recovery period of my life. 6 months of hip healing, that has been incredibly painful both physically and mentally. I often feel lost.

In my lostness, there is a righteous anger. I’m fed up with hurting. Being in constant pain, makes me angry enough to work harder than I have in the past. I’m trying to work smarter and be in control of my plans… My plans that will be enacted the moment I have free time.

Upward and Onward

I’ve decided to no longer hide my struggles or hide my life. This blog IS about hard work isn’t it?? I'm weeding out the negatives in my life, and have decided to no longer spend my time "holding on". Because that is what it has seemed like. Holding on until the next moment where I can breathe and do what I want. But just like worry, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. And I definitely don't!

This now has to be what I want. In order for our business to become all that it can, and in order for me to achieve my own dreams, I have to want everything I have to do within each and every single day. I want to work. I want to do invoicing. And I NEED my workout time. I don't have time, I make time.

The Struggle to Be More
The interesting thing about life, is sometimes it requires you to become a better person. I never realized how incredibly selfish I was until my personal time was challenged, along with my patience, ego, commitment, and honor as a wife.

I'm struggling to be more of everything. Everything that life is requiring of me right now. Its almost like prep, you trust the plan that it will yield results. I rely solely on the hope that if I work hard and struggle long enough to be more... I will just be more.

Where do you struggle to be more than you are? How do you make yourself happy when committing your time to others??

I Got Average.

Hey hey!

Life from my view..
Now, while I have been absent to this blog, I haven't been absent to life. I know I have stated before that I have just been incredibly busy (aren't we all?!), but most of it has been working overtime. MAJOR overtime. My workspace and the protocols in which we conduct our office has gone through a large over-haul which had begun during last prep and will likely continue through the next year to two years, and I have been a big player in creating new and innovative ideas that will reduce duplication and time-wasters.

Also! I've been studying for the certification of my position.. So anyway, my time is pretty limited.

Seasons.
I had thought at one time that if you truly love something, that is kept up all the time. Full-time, never goes away. EVAR. But when prep ended, I was flat burnt out. I couldn't even think about fitness and mostly didn't want to. I can tell you that I really really wanted to work out but was so short on time, because that's what I was telling myself. I kept trying to reinforce what I should be doing, and should be eating, created dozens of diet plans for myself, devised many cardio plans, and initiated some training plans... But this just wasn't the season for hard training.

And I was kidding myself. I could not just LET GO of what I wanted to use in life to make myself feel proud. Then I got injured. I strained my SI again. Which was probably the result of hard glute training and not enough stretching... And then just stopping the training.

When excessive behavior swings too far in to excess, we either 1-die or 2-change. And I've found that in the far excess, with enough desire to change, the pendulum finds itself on a swift path to the other side. And in that journey, I found myself passing over good healthy diets that kept me sane. I attempted diets that hooked me into results... which was fine at the time. Or so I thought it would be. Turns out I wasn't. Turns out when the metaphorical pendulum in me began to traverse back down, I lost the control to stop it.

Obviously the worst thing about all of this, isn't the weight gained. Of course it crosses my mind what people think about me.. They watched me lose 75 lbs, and then rebound back with 20 lbs post contest. And that hurts. Its honestly what has kept me away from this blog. I combat the embarrassment and anger all the time.

I whine about the season of life I'm in. I'll admit it. Right now I'm in the season of studying and working hard, which is honestly just as uncomfortable as prep was. To comfort where I actually wanted to be, which is the gym, is to eat and eat comfort food to make my day not so grueling. If it seems so opposite, that's because it is.

Its easy for some to say "Quit that behavior", but it is genuinely very difficult for some to do. Its a day to day struggle that I have to make a conscious decision on.

First of all, the back thing.
Yeah, so... 9 years ago I was a stupid kid who thought I was way better at rock climbing than I actually was. It was August and 100 degrees outside and I traversed a rock face that I had climbed before, but never without being roped in. Long story short, I ended up with a titanium cage around my spinal cord and a spinal fusion of the T12-L2. It still gives me issues to this day.

Recently my doctor found that there had been some loosening of my hardware which is causing me major muscle spasms. It feels like my whole Lat muscle on both sides has a charlie horse. ALL OVER IT. It sends electric pains down my legs. Needless to say it had me very worried. I talked to a neurosurgeon who felt that the risk of surgery would be greater than the benefit would be, so I am only to continue with physical therapy. I have always been afraid of this situation. Knowing what goes into surgical procedures is my job, and it is common knowledge that knee or hip replacements are only meant to last 10-15 years... How long could a spine replacement last?!

LUCKILY! This week, my overtime goes down and I start PT.

Well, I got average.
In all of this, I forgot my reason to be great. Since I have been in pain and forced to not lift, it was like a part of my soul had been forcibly taken. My standards fell, and so did my confidence. And thus, all my motivation.

I love the Biggest Loser, and seeing Jillian back!

I'm not interested in being a cardio bunny. Sure, I like a hard run, but I don't believe that ever doing one thing only will bring you good results. Our bodies were designed for adversity. Although I will not be running anytime soon, I crave the ability to sweat hard from a terribly hard workout. I can't even push my body that hard at this point. However, studies have shown that the best people, happiest, highest powered, most wise, recently wealthy, is due to the simple fact that they faced adversity and overcame it.

The same studies have shown that people who have everything handed to them in life, end up less wealthy, less wise, and more depressed. Excess isn't a positive thing when not earned. (I can certainly provide references, if someone REALLY has an issue with this statement. In which case, you're probably spoiled rotten. LOL!)

We CRAVE things to make ourselves proud.

And it isn't like I got overweight, I'm not. Just average.

But if there is anything I am positive about myself, is that I am not average.

So, in the coming weeks follow me on my journey to recovery. I will show what I am learning about keeping a healthy spine, and track my progress in getting back to my goal strength! I am less concerned about my body weight, as I am being strong and my body being functional.

Stay tuned!  First PT appointment & beginning progress pics this week!

Digging Deep

When one rarely posts anymore, one also has no clue how to start this thing! As you may or may not have noticed, I've barely been on here.. Blogging is a luxury I simply haven't had time for. With juggling such a crazy schedule, I feel bad for taking that time to sit and write. :( And blogger has been blocked at work (where I used to do my blogging... whuuups). Its so sad to me how busy I am, but there is no end to that in sight. Working approximately a 60 hour work week at the hospital, and another 5-10 to Bang's Lawn Care.

I found myself crying in a bath the other night just from feeling so weary and bummed that I barely see my new husband, and something in me made my heart realize that we work so hard to create a better future. The lessons I learned in prep, have also become useful in life lately.

Such a hard lesson to learn, but happiness is the best choice. Whatever situation you're in, choosing to go with the flow and still be happy with your life will make it seem so much more beautiful and fulfilling. 

Mrs. Bang.
Being Mrs. Bang is the shit though! So much fun to be had calling myself and being called Mrs. Bang... BWAHAHAHA! I don't even need a back up stripper name! LOL! ;) Teasing, teasing... I don't get the chance to say things like that working at a Catholic hospital.

My dear friend Madeleine married us, and we got married in front of this mantle that is now in our house!

hehe! Our guests rated our first kiss!

And! My husband is THE best. We are going through a transition with Bang's Lawn Care, into the end of the season so he is looking for Winter alternatives. Even with how busy I am, he takes the time to come have breakfast with me some days and has picked up the slack in chores. And nesting into our home has been so much fun.

Not sure who is interested in a Wedding post... If I get enough requests I'll put up some slide shows. ;)

OOH! You haven't met Anderson!

Such a cutie!

SUPER big puppy

Just a big baby, like all Danes :)

We got this pup a few weeks ago to keep Zeke company during the long days while we're both away. And they're pretty good buddies so far! :)

He is SO dang cute! He has the happiest, sunny personality... He wags his tail with his whole body, his paws are so big and heavy that he's really cute & clumsy, and he gives kisses like no body's business!

He's about 4 months old and I think a little over 50 lbs now. Might be a BIG boy! 

Like I always say, we have a little habit of getting in over our heads really quickly... Haha!

Digging Deep.
Now, while I am insanely busy... I am digging deep for my goals. Although I gained a little more fat than I wanted in my off-season, I have successfully added a couple pounds of muscle and I'm pretty sure its mostly in my legs & abs... Only time will tell as I am dropping fat. But my lil booty is tightening up in a big way! And I really just want to impress myself in the improvements I've made from last prep.

So, I'm thinking prep is going to start at the beginning of the year. I've got a few shows in mind but dates aren't tied down on all of them yet, and I want to be sure I'm ready! And knowing that I have a bit more fat to lose, I'm in the middle of a few weeks stint of "prep". Tightening up the diet and still pulling out 2-a-days.

It stinks! It means I get up at 4am and don't get home until after 6pm. But everyday I wake up and remind myself that I am working so hard to make a better future. I don't want to be in the same place I am right now in 5 years.

So I bust ass, try to juggle it all, try not to disappoint those I love, while not getting down on myself when I do... And sometimes... That's all you can do!

And I know you are all digging deep every day! What shows are you all planning on this year?? If you're not competing, what are your goals??

Some Blues & Some Bliss

Oh there you are, Blues. I wasn't sure we'd ever meet.

In retrospect, I should have known it would happen eventually. Its just nature. Cause and effect. Chew and swallow. Blues goes with competing.

After finally coming to a point to where I could talk about Molly again without bawling my eyes out, I finally became not-depressed enough to admit to myself that I was ready to change my body again. Work hard again, work for something. But what?!

Patrick suggested that I focus on the wedding and fitting into my dress. Now, even though I have gained weight, I haven't gone up any sizes.... So, although that's a good suggestion... It really isn't applicable. I have no worries about fitting into a dress. Plus, even if my goal was to shape up for the wedding... I wouldn't even know where to go from there! Is my goal to lose 5 lbs? 10 lbs? NO IDEA

Here's the thing about weight loss and sorry if I offend anyone (not)...

You have to actually want it. 

"Gasp! What's this you say? I have to actually desire eating fish and vegetables and eggs? I could never do such a thing!" or "I just can't handle SO much chicken and brussel sprouts.

Since I experienced the euphoria of competition, I have received many a email asking for weight loss advice. Asking how they could improve on what they are doing. Or more commonly, how do they do it... at all?!

I'm the first one to admit, that I have food addictions. Just like anyone else, I have my own vices. And we do all have them. I think some have it worse than others, but almost EVERYONE I know has something... They just can't resist cheesecake when they see it. Or the cinnamon rolls call to them in the morning (guilty). Most everyone has the confidence at some point to say no to those things. Adversely, most everyone experiences the loss of control to their feelings.

I think in fantasy land, women do exist that hold no food-related vices. I mean, I'm sure they do but if I met someone that claimed they genuinely did not, I would be a gigantic skeptic lol. Anyway, I'll give that there are medical conditions that result in weight gain. But don't tell me that most of the overweight population did not give into whatever they desire at any time.

When it comes to losing weight, it has to become about the simple fact that you want to lose weight. You just have to be willing to do what it takes. Whether you decide to go about it in an unhealthy or healthy way is your decision, but I'm about doing it the healthy way.

Not that I have really been eating very healthy. Haha... Oh... Yeah. Like I said, my first few weeks off... There were cinnamon rolls. And there was ice cream. Alright! I'm a fat girl at heart. But just imagine for being on a diet for two and a half YEARS. Sure, I had a week or two off here & there... but essentially, I was concerned, monitoring, evaluating my eating habits, keeping track of my diet cheats, and monitoring my cravings for 28 MONTHS. I needed a break, people. And I craved cheese, and capers, and lemon creme sauce, and tart cheesecake, and tastes that I had long forgotten.

By the end of my tryst with all the foods that had obviously still been somewhere in my heart, I remember why I had forsaken them. My body hurts. My stomach hurts, it pulls down on my muscles, I feel heavy when I workout, my muscles cramp often, and my back hurts again.

And then there was my goal. Working out simply to feel good again, what a beautiful thing.

That was a nice 5 minute chat, Blues. Thanks. :)

Here's some more engagement pics... For fun...

So this last week has been really fun. Also stressful at my job and my life job, but all around fun. Working on projects at home, mucho gardening, taking Zeke for runs, and doing wedding stuff... But have finally found that when I'm working out, I eat better naturally. Soooo nice to be back to THAT again!

I would be lying if I said that resisting sugar isn't hard sometimes, but right now, my desire to feel good again and feel great about myself again is greater than my desire for a maple scone. Now that I have gotten over the sugar slump, the idea is to find time to eat in my crazy work day. Just need to remind myself that my coworkers will be happier people when I'm not hangry.

Sooo... Bang's Lawn Care is going crazy. We've instantly become overwhelmed blessed with work. I have been spending hours at night doing Invoicing, Bidding, and reading about becoming an employer.. Because we need employees! But small business tax law is hard! And learning to save for the company long term... I can't even explain how much there is to do or think about. But I'll tell you one thing, it has made Patrick and I incredibly strong... Our communication skills demanded change almost overnight. And our ability to pick up slack from the other, its amazing.

And hey! Wedding is coming!! We set the date for September 22nd, which is very sadly the date of the local fall show! What freaking luck! Hopefully all my bikini, body builder & figure friends will come have a beer with me later. :) And I hear that people are gushing for details..

Since we live in the country we're going to do something kinda country. To set the record straight, I'm not a big country music fan... But I love other sweet country things. I just want our wedding to be sweet, romantic, and a freaking blast! I'm not doing specific colors, but doing a palette of blush colors... Pinks, champagne, copper, and even a little peach. Glowy. Check out what we made...

They say "Picture Booth" "Goin' to the Chapel" "GRUB" and "Drinks & Merriment"
Wanna guess which one is Patrick's?

It isn't done, but I'm stoked! We're gonna add some paper flowers and stuff to them. The signs themselves are from an old reclaimed picket fence. Patrick, his sister Sarah and myself hung out one night and stenciled our little full hearts out! :) Swoon! We have tons of reclaimed wood & doors and windows we are going to use, and I've been given and inherited a TON of mason jars I turned into lanterns:

And these suckers will be all over the place! Hanging from trees, on tables, and along the aisle. :)

Lastly, *sigh!* I am going dress shopping saturday!!! The crazy thing about being young but old enough to own your house and cars... You're financially responsible for your own stuff! So I haven't been able to afford a dress until now, and am banking on 'Saying Yes to the Dress' of my dreams on that day and it being off the rack. I somewhat have an idea of what I'll be looking for, and I'm sure that I will find THE dress on Saturday.

More updates next time, we have a bunch a wedding crafty projects coming... My home office has more or less turned into Wedding Central. And hey! If anyone wants to come help with a project, lemme know! It has been really fun getting random groups of friends and family together just for those things.

Talk soon! Love you all! :)

So Much Thankfulness

I just wanted to tell you all that I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful for your kind words, slaps in the face, that you laugh at my jokes when I'm certain only I think they're funny, your encouragement, emails full of praise and love, inspiring lives, and healthy lifestyles!

Because what is that old saying, "If you haven't got your health, then you haven't anything at all."

And I think that's true, I'm thankful for my health and the fact that I DO NOT have high blood pressure in my 20's (anymore). And I'm thankful to be surrounded by so many people who aspire to maintain a healthy lifestyle!

Today, as I am making pies and NOT tasting them, and before going into Turkey Day, I am reminding myself to keep my eyes on the prize! While I do plan on indulging in A piece of pie as well as some turkey, there is competition I fully plan on demolishing in a few months and prep is 6 short weeks away. :) SO, I want to share an inspiring woman today:

India Paulino. The reason she stands out to me, is the FACT that she has muscles. Do you SEE those quads? Its easy to say that Bikini competitors don't have muscles and that judges are not looking for any muscularity, but even when she turns to the back, you can see her flexing her triceps, her quad separation is apparent... Aside from her slate flat stomach. :)

I know all of us have the power to keep our goals in mind while spending time with our families for the holiday. Let's choose to be thankful that we have the power to choose health over sickness, and the power to choose our goals. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

The No-Comp Blues?

I got flowers for being bummed, sick, and loved. (Yep, even my dogs get fed well on fish & sweet potato.)

I'm bummed. I really am. I was trying really hard not to be. But I feel that I am faced with an internal conflict. I am torn with how I feel about myself right now. I'm feeling like I can talk the talk but not walk the walk, so to speak. Am I that kind of person? Does gaining back a couple of pounds within the first couple of days make me that person? And OF COURSE we all know that just isn't true... But these are the kinds of feelings I am being faced with.

Saturday I woke up at 5:35 A.M. and knew instantly that is what time I would have been getting up if I had competed. I made my breakfast of just oatmeal and egg whites knowing that I would have been eating pancakes and having coffee right when my sister would have got there to do my makeup. And I went to the show.

The show is at a casino that is close to 10 minutes from our house. All the women up there were amazing. It was incredible to see my girlfriend Ashley from Getting To Goal up there, she smiled bigger than anyone on stage and she deserved to! She worked her ass off to be up there!

It was also awesome to see Carrie (who I know from Twitter @girlandcoconut) win Master's Overall! She was the best poser of all of them! And she worked her BOOTY off on that stage and deserved that trophy
And even watch my own trainers compete! Check out Kris & Jacques' photos! They were awesome!
But I also was very bummed. Figure Class A had 0 women enter!!! I would have won my class. I can't believe that. And I truly believe I would have given Bikini Class A a run for their money.

So do I feel these things about myself? Or do I feel that I am building perseverance? That now is the time not to indulge, but the time to be smart: Taper off cardio, keep up on water, slowly add carbs back in, build, and plan for my next contest. Because indulging really only makes depression worse.

But isn't it easier to eat your feelings? 

My first post-prep treat: A mocha & a maple scone (on my fun halloween plates!)





Sunday treat: French Pressed coffee with homemade chocolate hazelnut scones...
I kind of have a thing for scones lately...



And APPARENTLY, everyone knew I would eat my feelings because EVERYONE seems to have ESP today and have written about their diet getting off-track. Erin at Figure Journal wrote about her own struggles with excuses, Chelsea at Git It Girl even wrote about diet pitfalls written by someone else (Christian Thibaudeau... His diet articles are incredible!)! And T-Nation included an article in their Weekly Email entitled "Choices." Ouch. ;)

Yes. It is easier to eat my feelings. Its much easier to give in. It is much easier to put junk in your tummy, instead of giving it food it needs. Sugar, dairy, and wheat... All the things I haven't had in weeks, I can now *technically* have... but do I want them...?

My first day back to work yesterday, my co-worker asks me, "SO, how does it feel to eat normal again?"

My answer, again, felt conflicted. Because SURE, "normal" foods taste good. But they sure made me feel like crap. And if you have ever tried going a certain amount of time without dairy, any sort of fat (oil, butter, etc), wheat, gluten at all, and refined sugar you would know that the second your body gets used to living life without those things... You never feel the same eating them again. But also, there is a certain amount of emotional conflict eating "normal" foods. Because all of a sudden, you realize that those foods do NOT do anything good for your body... But somehow you still have an emotional attachment to that food.

Example: I LOVE my mother's chocolate chip cookies. They do have tons of sugar, bleached flour, butter and shortening (btw, why doesn't ANYONE call this what it is anymore...? LARD. That is what they called it before they realized it makes you look like lard, so they changed the name to make everyone feel better. Or at least that is my assumption. LOL! Back to my story...). I link a memory to those cookies of Christmases and holidays and sick days. Truly the epitome of comfort food. And now? They taste like sugar, bleached flour, butter and lard. They don't even comfort like they used to. And it is really easy to get stuck putting more in your mouth to achieve the same comforts. But they never will anymore.

Comforts don't comfort like they used to. The feelings of pride in knowing I'm giving my body what it needs comfort now. And I can be satisfied with that. Especially when I cannot do cardio like I could before (before pneumonia, its still hard now..). Not being able to do as much cardio makes diet, and taking pride in my diet,
all that much more important.
So, after my HUGE long rambling about this... Do I still feel like I can't walk the walk?

Not remotely. Because at this point in my "prep" for the stage, the choices are mine. I am NOT being forced into cardio, or weights, or diet. The choice is mine to get to cardio in the morning now. Do I want my goals? Or do I want to sleep in? Do I want to recover on my diet so I can make my contest prep easier next time around? Or do I want to slip back into old nutritional habits... Just because it was a habit?

I make the choices for me ... And I want to step on stage in April knowing I look better than I would have this October. :)

9

Are we ready for this???

So, I have 9 days left of this madness, then cycling off my diet & so much cardio over the coming weeks. I have loved this process and am stoked to be in the best shape of my life and leaner than I have ever been. But I am ready for an off-season. I am ready to be my boyfriend's girlfriend. I am ready to make soup again every Sunday and bake whenever I felt like it. I am ready to have more time at home with my dogs and more time to give to my whole family in general. I am ready for some R&R (literally in every capacity).

But not yet. :)

Facts.
This coming week will mark my 18th full week on Contest Prep and mark the 10th month I have been preparing to step on stage. I haven't loved every minute of it, I am ready for it to be over... BUT I am very thankful for it. I spent a solid 6 months building my back, shoulders & shaping everything. Then to have spent a long 18 weeks leaning out... I am beyond thankful. Contest Prep has put me into a pattern and I am embracing that, especially with my off-season plans.

I'm hungry.

Diet.
Sunday brought a change. No more casein before bed. Wahhhh! We are trying to let my system flush out anything processed and therefore shed any of the water weight it causes. I had the option of doing any meat source I wanted, so I've decided to do egg whites before bed...
First attempt: Egg whites, cinnamon, a dropper full of vanilla stevia, sea salt. Was trying to go for the breakfast for dinner kind of thing... It was alright!
Second attempt: Egg whites, pumpkin pie spice, a dropper of stevia & sea salt. It was okay this time. I liked the flavor better, but towards the end of my dish... It seemed less than appealing.
Third attempt: Went with hot sauce because I was too tired to be creative.

Diet Stories.
On Wednesday, I was peeling egg whites off of hard boiled eggs (like I do..), and my co-worker asked if she could have one of my eggs (... she meant just the yokes)... I can tell you I almost lost it. I freaked out, turned bright red, started sweating as I tried to explain to her that I am just on the bare minimum of nutrition and need EVERYTHING to keep going. As she explained she just wanted my yokes, I felt my blood pressure go down. But seriously people, don't ask to have my food. I will give you an emphatic and loud "NO!"
(Okay, Wednesday I was hitting a new level of crazy)
THEN, I got my diet plan for Saturday thru Peak Week. SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! That was the light at the end of the tunnel that I needed. And what is on it for show day?? PANCAKES! I can't believe carb up time is ALMOST here!! But until then, I have noticed I am always hungry. ALWAYS. Again, I'm eating every 2-2.5 hours... but getting hunger anxiety around an hour (Before my family chimes in that I'm not being healthy, I am getting PLENTY of water, electrolytes, vitamins, minerals, and protein). I can do this... Only a few more days...

Training.
Monday I went into cardio with full force. I had some extra energy somehow and pumped it out like nothing. To the point where I left the gym before work excited to go back in the afternoon to show myself what I was made of!
Tuesday I was tired. Almost always to be expected after pushing really hard one day. Except this time, I want to feel like I've done everything I could. And its my last chance. I was exceedingly tired and somehow pushed thru a run around in the country surrounding our home. :) It was incredible. I just kept saying in my head, "F**k this, I can do it." I keep being told to conserve my energy and walk if need be, but if I have the energy or desire, why not? What is the worst that could happen? I lose energy and walk like I was supposed to? I was proud of myself and went to bed feeling like a goddess. Because having the opportunity to go home gave me extra time for laundry and to catch up around the house. :)
Wednesday I woke up extra tired as for some reason, and for as tired I was... I didn't sleep a wink. I considered going for a run in the middle of the night, but don't really want to be eaten by anything. I got up at 345 and made it to cardio.

Posing.
Every day this week. There is no reason not to at this point. I might be tired etc, but it is necessary being this close. :) Fact, there were a couple days in there this week that I practiced before and after my PM workout session.
AND! On Tuesday, I got to pose in front of a lovely new friend, Stacy, who also uses my trainer for her nutrition! Thanks for being my guinea pig Stacy!! :) I am definitely trying to practice in front of new people, helps me take the edge off.
I do just want to say however, that I know that the point of this period of time is to squeeze every molecule of glycogen out of the muscles, but DAMN! I look super skinny. I look deflated and tired. I am very much looking forward to my rest day on Sunday and carbing up next week.

Stage Stuff.
All my appts are booked like I've said, but now its just waiting for them to happen.

Off-Season.
SO excited for a build. Like I mentioned last week, my body will be in prime condition for a build... I have been losing fat for so long (18 weeks, 12%, and 12 lbs later, maybe more before ...), my muscles are aching for something to hold onto. And I am going to give them just that! :) All of my off-season plans will be enclosed in a later post, but again... Just so excited to build in certain areas. I spent a good long time building before contest prep, and have much more experience this time around. But, I am looking at my physique as it is... and as I am very lean now... and seeing what muscles I want to improve... Its hard to wait when you want to work on something! Just like it was hard to wait for contest prep! ;)
But in all body-builder seriousness, that's kind of just what you do... You build, and then lean out... you build, and then lean out. Woot!

Misc.
*Chelsea, I know exactly what you mean. My list of recipes is getting very long. VERY long. :)
Although I have a thousand things I need to bake, I am limiting myself. But this way it (whatever I make) does continue to be viewed as a treat, and not normalcy that I can have everyday. Except for Sunday right after my contest. Sunday, I am allowing myself to bake 4 items. And most of it will be taken to various people that deserve a treat for putting up with my crazy these last 10 months, in this order:

1. Caramel Macchiato Cheesecake
2. Hazelnut Chocolate Chip Scones
3. Chocolate Chip Pecan Cookies
4. Apple Crisp

I think that will suffice for my first bake-a-thon. After that, I plan to only choose 1 item a week to bake.
*Wednesday night, I didn't sleep again. I had taken medication last night to help me sleep, and I don't remember waking up at all... But at some point, I realized that I was awake and thinking. I didn't get back to sleep. Sleep and I need to be very intimate friends tonight. I am very much a zombie today.
*Still hanging out at 108 lbs, but I don't expect this for long. My hot flashes have been acting up allllll week. And I think we all know what that means!!! :) (my metabolism is up, just in case I was wrong and you all don't know lol)
*New Prep Pet Peeve: Slow down on dirt roads if you see someone running! The dust is killing my lungs...

Bloggers.

Oh my word I love you guys so much! You all are such a huge encouragement and I feel so flattered that you all think of me enough to say something every week! You all have made a huge difference in my prep and I thank each and every one of you!

Phew, Only 2 Weeks?!

Seriously. 2 weeks?? In all seriousness, about now... that feels like an eternity.

Facts.
*I have been on prep for 16 weeks. I'm tired, I'm hungry and I might stab you for a stick of gum. And I might stab your mum for a granola bar.
*I have ONE (1!!) workout left for each body part!
*I can't count the cardio sessions yet. :) Or the amount of fish I still have to eat.  YET. :D

Stories.
On Monday morning, my mother plopped a plate full of homemade chocolate chip cookies on my desk at work. They smelled just like they did when I was a kid. They immediately got shoved into my desk... I just can't handle them around. In the freezer they go.

And not only that, but I forgot to take the cookies home. So they taunted me for 2 days.

Also on Monday, someone mentioned that we have 19 days. And I was trying so hard to NOT know that!!! And now I can't UN-know that!

I had to remove the jar of natty pb from my desk at work, it was also taunting me.

Unfortunately, I have seen some VERY low lows during this part of prep. I mean, we all know I am wavering on the emotional PMS'ing side, but I have had some passive-aggressive family comments that are NOT helping. More unfortunately for them, I confront people.

Diet.
This last weekend was hard. I had a very emotionally charged weekend, along with being busier than I ever have been in my life. Wanna know what my Saturday last week was like?!

Saturday.
Couldn't sleep so got up at 4am (after sleeping approx 4 hours), did chores: laundry, dishes, meal prep, feed dogs, etc.
Gym for 50 mins stairmill & abs. Get ready, buy green tea, eat.
Volunteer for 8 hours.
Go back to the gym for incline sprints.
I got home at 7pm. Ugh. Cooked dinner, took a bath, fell asleep at 8. Got myself up at 9 to make a necessary shake. Then slept forever!
(All of this meant I spent more or less all day Sunday sleeping).

Back to Diet.
Diet has been a challenge, as always. I FINALLY figured out exactly how I like my tilapia so I can eat it day in and day out.... So fish is a lot easier. Kind of actually enjoying it now with soy. Okay, more than enjoying it. I'm savoring, alright. I drink the soy & fish juice out of the bottom of the container. Hungry.

Since I am no longer on whey, I get to space my meals out a tad differently now. I am actually eating every 2 hours. And I'm usually really hungry after an hour. :)

Diet on the weekend is still the hardest to get through. Although I still haven't cheated, I want things. lol

I spent... A solid hour on Sunday writing down all the recipes I want to make over the coming months after competition. It was a long list. Top of the list? Caramel Macchiato Cheesecake. I felt like I was soaring on my diet before, but now I just feel ravenous for anything with calories & filling carbs.

Training.
More strength declining. Seriously, um 7.5 lbs lateral raises?! What a SERIOUS ego killer. I might be doing 5 sets with high reps and only 15 sec rest but still! I could do triple that weight in my off-season. But whatevs.

I am generally a person who likes to follow a plan, but I've learned that prep is always changing, so I have changed my attitude towards it... I train cardio when I have energy. Serious! I do cardio daily and everything, but I am doing cardio when there is energy for it... when I get to the gym, it could be before my lift, it could be after my lift, or half before half after... but I never know. And I am kind of liking that. Helps me ensure I can really focus during cardio... which is where I truly need the focus.

Stage.
All my appointments are booked! Hair color, mani, pedi, tanning, waxing, and hair blowout.

I haven't worked on my figure suit.... AT ALL. I have got to find some time this weekend. Unfortunately, my weekend is lining up just like the last one...

Any details I haven't got in line right now, I will this weekend... Like, getting my stage makeup, might want another bracelet, you know.. the usual. ;)

2 Week Check In.
Weighing 108 lbs. :) I was told I look two weeks out. Right on! That's right where I want to be. We discussed my diet, which won't change much this next week, except cutting out my shake at night for a meat source. Hurray! ;) But no cutting carbs. I also don't need to change my cardio, so that's cool now I can just buckle down and hold on!
My posing is feeling more confident all the time, so it was fun to pose for them and a different crowd of gym on-lookers lol.
We also discussed my peak week, which won't have a whole lot of tweeks because they don't feel I need them. Meaning, no carb loading (I'm not lean enough), no drying out, no diuretic, and only sodium tweeks for the last day. Woot!
We also discussed my off-season, which I am feeling really excited about. I truly believe that I am going to be able to by-pass the post-competition blues. :) I already have things I want to work on in my off-season, I will be in perfect condition to begin a build, I already have a plan in place on tapering off cardio, and have already worked on a post-comp meal plan to move into. So, I am feeling very confident that I won't gain much post-comp and will maintain a healthy mindset about my nutrition.

Posing.
Almost daily. I am very proud of myself that I was even doing it daily. And I must admit, both my attention span and stamina have decreased a lot in this last week, so posing is really happening like every other day.

I look CA-RAZY! But I was really excited about being able to see the cap, esp in that lighting! That is no joke right there.

TOM.
Yeah, this is real. I'm heading into my last full week on TOM. Hence the no progress pics this week, and maybe next week. I might do next week, you never know. I'm still feeling some anxiety about my physique at this point, TOM is really having me hold onto everything. It has been a struggle not to do more in order to see things, but that is really unsafe to do.

Bloggers.

Just wanted to tell you all that you are so awesome! I really REALLY appreciate your encouragement, texts, tweets, facebook comments... EVERYTHING. I have really needed it these last couple weeks and will probably for a couple more! But I love you guys!

Ps-I chose the Onion. :D

Upwards And Onwards to Week 1.....

Inspirational Tuesday

I've got to give a shout out to Jaime Baird this morning. Taking her second Pro win at the Jacksonville Pro Bikini this last weekend. I have to give this woman credit, she earned a nickname that could not easily be shaken, "The Perennial Bridesmaid" had to have been a hard one to hear. 

If you compare her at the Jacksonville Pro to her 2008 debut, her hard work is astounding.

IFBB Pro Bikini Jaime Baird is one that I particularly admire because she didn't take that nickname as a death sentence. She pushed past it and took 2 pro wins this year.

I'm less than 8 weeks away from my competition and just need to say some stuff.
*I'm really tired of hearing that people thinking that I'm being "unhealthy" or that "this isn't good" for me. Apparently people don't really know athletes and how they eat, sleep and breathe their goals.
     -I'm not going to stop or spend time justifying myself anymore. Its my lifestyle, not yours. I push beyond "feelings" and "wants" to what needs to be done to accomplish my goals. Period. Food, drinks, parties, socializing, etc.
*I'm really tired of spending time justifying my goals to people because they think its vain that I focus so much on my body.
     -At least I am spending time working on the one thing I am going to be able to count on for the rest of my life: My body.
*No, Patrick and I are not engaged. Yet. We both know we want to marry each other, and we have discussed marriage as well as a wedding. I still await a ring and a promise. :)

Happy Tuesday everyone!

More Proudness!

I am also one that enjoys jumping on the band wagon. I would like to declare myself as the funny person with the trombone that randomly blows every now and then... because that is about how I feel. :)

Early in my days of Bikram Yoga, my teacher Beth had said (and this is something I will never forget, it constantly helps me moderate my life), "Do what you can today." Her words always have a way of piercing my heart at the right time.

In my mind, my long term successes are a source of pride, but what keeps me functioning day to day is my feelings of pride in my tiny accomplishments.

"You have to put in many, many, many tiny efforts that nobody sees or appreciates before you achieve anything worthwhile.” ~Brian Tracy


While I am proud of my relationship with my wonderful, sexy man Patrick, and proud of my family, proud of my crazy giant dogs, I am more proud of the little things.

• I am proud that I made it to cardio on time on a Monday. That is a success to me.
• I am proud that I can get up at 345 every day to get all my chores done before heading off to cardio. Because it makes my day a success.
• I am proud that I have the opportunity to better my body and my mind twice a day, six days a week. The more I do it, the more proud I am that I have built the perserverance.
• I am proud that I go so hard, that at the end of the day, I am sleeping amazing because I handled more in 18 hours than many people. I am proud of that feeling of absolute fatigue and exhaustion when I get into bed at night.
• I am proud to be an athlete. I am proud of pushing myself day in and day out. Whether I want to or not.
• And although I already mentioned my man Patrick, but he really is the best thing in my life. So encouraging, so awesome. He does such incredible things to help keep me unstressed that I absolutely feel so fortunate that I have the right man by my side. No joke, I came home at 930 Saturday morning (from a cardio sess) to the dishes done, laundry going, house swept, vacuuming done, dogs fed, AND he fed himself! That itself is incredible. :)  BUT he had also drawn me a bath. <3 Sigh <3

  

  He caught the garter and I caught the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Done deal. Love you babe. :)

  

Something I have thought about in contest prep, is there is no way you can't not get better. The months long span that contest prep covers, is more or less a crock pot to a better you. Its so hot and pressurized, and no room for error that you HAVE to find the courage to keep going. You have to build perserverance for an extreme diet that 99% of Americans couldn't handle. You have to build the desire to be at the gym enough to account for a second job. If courage is not built, if perserverance isn't made, and if desire isn't found... then contest prep really is just leaning out. Not the accomplishment it should be in your heart.

I love the inspiration of hearing what everyone is proud of. Check out some other crazy cool bloggers like Lisa, Liz, Kari, Tenecia, and Stacy and see what they're proud of!

Tell me what you're proud of! I love being inspired by all of you!

Hump Day Inspiration

I'm tired today. Really tired. So tired I slept through my alarm. I've been told I look skinny twice today, which I can never tell if its a compliment or an insult.

Looking to the prep gods for help!

My inspiration today is Miss Bikini Olympia 2010 - Sonia Gonzales.

I just love her. She is SO versatile. Even as a bikini competitor she continues to maintain her strong round shoulders. My trainer says, its all in the posing. She is 5'0" and 108 lbs at contest.

Motivational Monday

Today, I'm channelling the power of Cheryl Brown. She's only 5'3" and 116 lbs contest.

She's always just lovely. The smile she wears exudes the confidence she feels. That confidence is my motivation today. Again, I just love the shorties. :) I love how full her physique is as well as still maintaining the petite look. Hope I can meet her one day and tell her what an inspiration she is.
Just an update on my contest prep: Today I find myself really exciteeeed! (Got that? That means really excited. haha)

I'm two weeks away from meeting my new trainer for contest prep and have been more motivated and on track than I have been in a long time. If I could explain to you how often I think about being on stage, it would take up more words than I'm allowed in one day.

Two weeks ago, I blogged about where I was at physically and mentally and today I'm in a much better spot that I have ever been. I'm down 4 lbs. After only 1 week of tight clean diet, I noticed a difference: ab lines coming in, my work khakis felt like pajama pants, and delt definition showing up. However, I'm making my own changes which I feel will help transition me even just for the next two weeks.

So, I'm technically 16 weeks out (from last Saturday) I guess. But I really don't like to think in terms of weeks... stresses me out. However, I'll be excited to make any changes new trainer tells me to. I know I can do certain parts myself but at some point, you just need someone to tell you what to do so you're not over thinking EVERYTHING (like I do..).

Oh! Also! Very interesting, I had measurements taken this morning and had some very fascinating results! I GAINED an inch on my bicep, GAINED .75 on my hips, GAINED an inch on my thighs, but LOST an inch off my waist! Normally, I would be quite dismayed by this progress. However! Since we know I lost 4 lbs yet have not had my body fat tested yet.. this definitely tells me I've lost a significant amount but also gained some significant muscle! :D So excited!

AND! You can expect progress pics in two more weeks- which I'm sure you all will appreciate the difference in my posing. :) Hope you have a great week friends!!

Ben & Jerry's

All I wanted to say today, is that we have such an incredible community of Bloggers on here. I feel so lucky for all of you and your support. Every word is taken to heart and I love hearing from all of you.


Love you guys. :)



My last blog post was regarding how impersonal food can be, that people use it instead of being vulnerable. And I want you all to know, that your words are so much more useful and appreciated more than a pint of my favorite Ben & Jerry's ever could have been.

I've received numerous emails in the last couple of weeks with more encouragement than I could have anticipated. It seems, I haven't been the only one that needed the support. :)

I have a few friends and relatives that I talk to on a daily basis and each time we discuss their well being and diet. They use me as a sounding board for their meal choices, good and bad, and we talk about the ups and downs... And I feel very lucky to say that I've been able to support them in their respective weight loss journeys. Someone I know lost 6 lbs last week by following their plan AND letting me coach them every day! Having someone support you is so key!

Texting can be a powerful tool, I got the following text on Wednesday from Handsome:

"Baby your gonna win this next figure comp:) I have faith in u babe and u already have the curves most girls can't get no matter what they do."

How powerful is that?! It completely changed my day.

If you need someone to support you in your loss, or even just to listen to your frustrations, I am always available via email during almost the whole workday (I'm on PST) . I realized after some emails with others, that being able to help others really helps me. Or if you need someone to text when you are facing a temptation, again, I'm available all day long (email me if you need this). Speaking words of encouragement to others, encourages my own soul.

You don't have to feel alone in your journey, whatever form that takes. Let me be your Ben & Jerry's. :)

April Workout Playlist

About every month or so I get really sick of almost all of my workout music and I have an iTunes binge... Here is the current damage:

1. Raining Men by Rihanna & Nicki Minaj - No explanation necessary. This song rocks.

2. Blow by Ke$ha - This song just makes you want to PUSH that much harder into the workout.

3. Time is Running Out  by Muse - Reminds you that every workout is THE time to put in your work!

4. I Just Had Sex by The Lonely Island ft. Akon - Because it will lighten up your workout and make you laugh when you're too serious.

5. Awake and Alive by Skillet - This is a Christian band but man does it ever make you feel awake and alive while pushing yourself to the limit.

6. Massive Attack by Nicki Minaj - Attack those shoulders, girrrrrl! :)

7. Inside Out by Britney Spears - because its hot. :)

8. Feeling Good by Muse - This is a cover of a Nina Simone song, which I also love, but this song really makes you thankful for one more rep or one more step and one last push. Because this is what we do! :) Starts out slow, but moves into some awesome guitar... give it a chance!

9. Can't Touch This by MC Hammer - Why not?! :) I dare you to try and NOT dance to this!

10. Uprising by Muse - Puts you in warrior mode.