My Christmas Prayer For All

My sincere prayer for all athletes and non-athletes alike is that you will never have to deal with the pain and stress of a broken back.

(True) Stories.
In August of 2005, after having so much fun rock climbing and developing an invincible ego, I fell while unharnessed and unbelayed 80 feet up on the face of a familiar rock. The move that would forever change my life was my last of the day and completing it would have meant me looking down and walking to my car unscathed. However, that isn't what happened. As previously mentioned, I was 80 feet up a rock face and on my last move. I was in a position that looks like this:

With a leg and arm in a cravasse, the other leg & arm on smooth rock. It only meant pushing my body up and I would have been done with my climb for the day. Except my foot that was on smooth rock had one problem: It was on smooth rock. It slipped and subsequently swung me in that direction pulling my foot and other hand out of its secure placement in the cravasse, which meant only my left hand on smooth rock was placed. And that couldn't last long. And it didn't.

What I get asked a lot, is what was going through my head at that point? Honestly, all I could think about was "How am I going to survive this?" I had a very strange and clear moment, which felt like an eternity, although only a few seconds. I knew I was going to fall. The only thing I could control was how I was going to fall. My first thought was to try to regain my placement in the cravasse, but decided against it as I felt struggling could mean completely losing placement and falling 80 feet to my death. My second thought was trying to fall to the ledge I could see 30 feet below me. During my moment of clarity, I thought "how do I land?" I considered landing on my side, I considered landing on my feet. And with that, my right hand gave out.

I fell 30 feet to the ledge below, skidding on my feet, and landing on my butt. With the force of a 120 lbs woman falling 30 feet to only meet the force of a rock, my L1 vertebrae absorbed the stress of both forces... and burst.

Shockingly enough, with the hundreds of tiny splinters that were now surrounding my spinal cord, none of them actually pierced my spinal cord. Aside from coming very close to death, I was just barely tip-toe'ing around being paralyzed from the waist down. Fast forward 24 hours, and I had already been on the news and in a hospital bed. Although completely humiliated, stressed, ashamed, and hurt, I went through a complete L1 vertebrectomy (removing the vertebrae) and a T12 thru L2 Spinal Fusion (fusing the 3 vertebrae with a titanium cage). I became a whole inch shorter.

(Painful) Problems.
So, let me just explain the vast array of issues associated with the fun experience I had above. If I thought breaking my back would be the worst of my problems at that point, I was dead wrong.

After 3 months off from work, wearing a gigantic back brace all day every day, 4 physical therapy appointments a week for 12 weeks, massage therapy once a week for 12 weeks (By the way, ALL OF WHICH I could not drive myself to) and a cabinet full of muscle relaxers, pain killers and anti-inflammatory's... I was deemed well enough to work again.

As I went back into the work force, I was still in pain... I couldn't stand for more than a half an hour which was a problem at work, and doing chores, and taking a shower (I had a chair for the shower). I couldn't sit for more than 5 minutes, which was a huge problem when driving and going to church. I was on so many drugs I had become constipated which was very very difficult considering there is no "pushing" when you cannot even contract your core muscles. Rectal suppositories was something my mother and I faced daily, and when you are 20 years old it is simply humiliating, but I couldn't twist my back in any way. But my love for my mother changed at that point.

Laughing, sneezing, coughing was all difficult for months. I couldn't eat with friends, sit in a movie, go shopping without being extremely uncomfortable, which was obviously hard for my friends who would want to show me a good time when I wasn't working. Most nights of the week, by the end of the day I was completely hunched over, not able to stand up straight whatsoever, because my back muscles were so exhausted. I gained weight due to being sedentary which made the pain worse. I think you all know the end of the story is that I lost weight and my back pain became controllable. And for the most part, it is.

This weekend (just as my diet and exercise regimen became exciting again, of course) I experienced it again. I woke up Saturday morning with such intense pain I could barely get out of bed. Riding in the car, I had to have the seat fully reclined. I couldn't sit at all. I had to be lying down or standing. Pain levels interest me greatly just because of the great difference people can have in their tolerance. And although you might be in great pain, no one can ever understand what that feels like to you. Doctors even. And often times, I think because they see so many drug seekers, they aren't really sure how to treat your pain as more than just pain. What I seek, isn't to control my pain. I seek to control my pain by making my body stronger and therefore not having pain by eradicating the problem.

After 6 years of working hard to keep my body healthy and make it strong, one wrong move can bring you to your knees. And for me, the pain has literally brought me to my knees multiple times.

I tell you this big long story really just to say:

Take care of your body BEFORE it becomes necessity and BEFORE you can't anymore.

The doctor told me that I have strained my SI (sacro-iliac) muscle which has tightened up around my sciatic nerve. Pain shoots down the sides of my legs to my ankles. I can't really sit on the right side of my hips. When I walk, I look like I have scoliosis as my body tries to contort to take pressure off my right hip. There is no chance I will be lifting anytime soon. I start more rounds of physical therapy, massage therapy and living life only to get the pain down starting today. I would rather my time be spent on bettering my body, but I will take walking over not. I will take mobility over being flat on my back, which always means baby steps. I can't be greedy, that got me where I am today.

There are times when I see people doing only minimum work at the gym, like on the elliptical and not sweating, and I think to myself, "Those people are never going to get anywhere if they don't push themselves!" Shame on me for ever judging a person. Because for a while, I am genuinely only going to be able to do light walking or light elliptical as it turns out.

My Prayer.

My prayer and plea for all of you is that you never have to experience debilitating pain. Much less for the rest of your life. Take care of your body before you aren't able to. Stretch your muscles, warm up before your workouts, drink enough water! I very much encourage yoga to keep your mobility... because our spines were made to bend backward just as much as forward, and stretching those muscles will help with your overall health.

Athletes and non-athletes alike all deserve a healthy body. Most diabetics don't change their diet even after they're diagnosed with diabetes. And most athletes don't begin a strong stretching regimen until after they sprain something. Most people don't start taking care of their bodies until something goes wrong, you owe it to yourself to be smarter than that. You are smarter than that.

I'm off to some massage therapy to hopefully relieve some pain. By the way, even though I'm not working out currently, diet has not faltered. Diet is just as important to the health of the body. :) Isn't it interesting that people used to wish each other good health? That is because it truly is one of the important things in life. Hope you all are doing well and are HEALTHY beyond belief! Merry Christmas! :)

Stuff I Don't Feel Guilty About

1. I don't feel guilty about gym time.

I spend more time in the gym than I do anywhere else, aside from work and home. That is MY time. And I certainly can't take care of anyone or anything else until I take care of myself. :) It is the one place where I find myself both completely capable and yet challenged. Brings out the superwoman in me.

2. I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself.

Ever. I refuse to feel guilty about it. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a man that made less than I do... And I would feel guilty about spending $10 on myself. My boyfriend has no problems with how I choose to spend my money, and that freedom is one of the best feelings ever. It honestly causes me not to go overboard because of his trust.

3. That being said, I also don't feel guilty about wanting a breast augmentation.

Part of what makes your life yours, is how you feel about your own body. Its amazing that I lost so much weight and have parts that didn't quite bounce back. Nevermind, I was trying to be somewhat discrete about how I phrased all of this but it just isn't working. I have big time saggy boobs. And I do not feel bad that I want them to match the rest of my curvy body. For a long time, I waged war with myself over it... but what comes down to it is that it is something for me. And Patrick. I don't feel vain and I don't feel guilty.

4. I don't feel guilty about not liking Kanye West.

No explanation. I think he is just plain douchey. I don't like country music (even though I live in the country) but I genuinely saw him as the biggest douche bag ever when he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Grammy's a few years ago.

5. I really don't feel guilty about my love of pumpkin things.

Or baking. I just have to regulate how much I bake or Patrick will end up finding me in a mountain of flour snorting sifted sugar, a sink fuuuullll of dishes, and a large assortment of baked goods everywhere. I could easily have been a southern momma in another life.

6. I don't feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

I refuse to feel guilty about the above things. I genuinely think that it is time to let go of any Catholic dispositions of naturally feeling guilty. We can't make progress if we are holding ourselves back. Stop feeling guilty and own the things you love and want in life.

What don't you feel guilty about? :)

So Much Thankfulness

I just wanted to tell you all that I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful for your kind words, slaps in the face, that you laugh at my jokes when I'm certain only I think they're funny, your encouragement, emails full of praise and love, inspiring lives, and healthy lifestyles!

Because what is that old saying, "If you haven't got your health, then you haven't anything at all."

And I think that's true, I'm thankful for my health and the fact that I DO NOT have high blood pressure in my 20's (anymore). And I'm thankful to be surrounded by so many people who aspire to maintain a healthy lifestyle!

Today, as I am making pies and NOT tasting them, and before going into Turkey Day, I am reminding myself to keep my eyes on the prize! While I do plan on indulging in A piece of pie as well as some turkey, there is competition I fully plan on demolishing in a few months and prep is 6 short weeks away. :) SO, I want to share an inspiring woman today:

India Paulino. The reason she stands out to me, is the FACT that she has muscles. Do you SEE those quads? Its easy to say that Bikini competitors don't have muscles and that judges are not looking for any muscularity, but even when she turns to the back, you can see her flexing her triceps, her quad separation is apparent... Aside from her slate flat stomach. :)

I know all of us have the power to keep our goals in mind while spending time with our families for the holiday. Let's choose to be thankful that we have the power to choose health over sickness, and the power to choose our goals. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Taking the Bad In With the Good

Very mixed week for me emotionally. Life takes so many turns and throws so many challenges and obstacles. But first....

Shout Outs.
Please go give Amanda some love AND my very own trainer, Jacques Pitcher, are competing this weekend both at Nationals in South Beach, FL! Amanda is a seasoned figure competitor and Jacques is competing in Middle Weight Men's Body Building and both VERY deserving of pro-cards. Good luck!!

The Bad.
My grandpa passed away over last weekend. While in some ways it was a relief, it is still hard to lose anyone you love. We have the funeral on Saturday, which I am sure I will just bawl and bawl at. Reading his obituary was hard enough.

The Good.
I got promoted at work! Was having a really rough time with my job lately and got the much needed boost, as I have been waiting to step into this job for 3 years pending a co-worker's retirement. Not necessarily excited about more responsibility, as the position is one that is very legal and anything produced has to hold up in court, OR could be used against the hospital in court if I make a mistake. *Gulp!* But I am excited about a good raise! :) And just like anything in life we can choose to let it defeat us, or we can choose to let it challenge us! I don't actually step into my role of Credentialing Specialist for another month, but I'm pumped!

Taking It In.
This week really helped me get things in focus. Taking a hard-working attitude from my grandpa, who had a family at a young age, spent time in the airforce, sat on the Chamber of Commerce in a small city and even owned and operated a radio station locally. I don't think my grandpa would want me to just give up on the dreams and things I've been working so hard for regardless of struggles. I've had bereavement time to get my own priorities in order: Working out hard and eating well. Getting in enough water has been huge! I have no idea why, but if I am feeling defeated or self-loathing, I tend to not drink enough water. Maybe it has to do with feeling overly full..? Or I subconsciously know it will make me bloat because I've been eating bad...? Either way, my water has been better and I am not retaining much water. Finally feeling like The Boss in the gym again, and I have been busting it!

 I got in good cardio, although my lungs still feel very out of shape. Pneumonia is really such a killer! But now, everytime I get done with cardio I am saying to myself "That's 30 minutes closer to being in shape." I don't know if you have ever done that, but sometimes we truly need encouragement from ourselves. On Friday I had the chance to do forced reps on a leg day with my trainer: Awesome. And Tuesday? Drop Sets. Holy cow, I love leg days.

I definitely will post my righteous Ab Workout in this next week! I got enough emails requesting it, its intense! I did it again on Wednesday, and I was dying. I'll try to find some cool person to video me. Hopefully they don't steal my iPhone. ;) Because you get all caught up in those TRX bands and am not sure if I could get out of them quick enough to catch a fool.

I've got some good changes coming my way, and T-minus 7ish weeks to prep. If I were to start today, I'd be only 22 weeks out!! Am I excited for prep? Hells yes! Last time around, I think I was nervous I couldn't stick to such a hardcore diet. This time around, I'm excited to see the abs and booty I've been building. Because I KNOW, I've built them. My booty has been sore 2x a week for the last 2 months, and abs at least 2x a week (I'm working them 3). I feel tighter and better than I did last time going into prep... And I still have so much time left to build, its amazing. Taking pressure off of myself, did everything for my training.

It snowed like crazy here last night and today, although I am sure the roads are somewhat clear... they are windey (No, I didn't mean windy... WIND, like wound up? I really have no idea how to explain this. lol) and steep. Trying to find ways around this for the time being, might have to go more out of my way to another gym just to ensure safe travels. In either case, I'm taking cues from this guy:

Travel safe for the Holiday everyone and keep your goals in mind before you down 3 pieces of a pie! Or a whole pie. And the tub of mom's homemade whipped cream. :)

Are you fed up, yet?

Immediately after I posted my last post... I had to start this one. Last week, I found that I was FED UP. I mean, fed up isn't really a word... Its an idiom, for all you English snobs out there. But I looked it up on Dictionary.com anyway:

Fed. verb
1. simple past tense and past particle of feed. Clearly, I have been fed. Thus the problem.

Idiom
2. fed up, impatient; disgusted; bored: They were fed up with the same old routine. Impatient? LOL! Always... Disgusted? Most definitely. Bored? Yup!

The World English Dictionary says....
fed up
-adj
informal (usually postpositive) annoyed, discontented or bored. Discontented? Abso-freakin-lutely!

The Free Dictionary.com says:
Fed up. Adjective. Unable or unwilling to put up with something any longer.

We are unable AND unwilling to put up with something any longer. What are you fed up with?

And speaking of fed up...
Sugar Detox.
Monday I started to notice the symptoms of Sugar Detox. Anyone else know this feeling? Gah I felt worse than I ever have for a detox. Headaches, weak, nausea, acne... It was bad. I barely ate dinner that night. And didn't even bother making my pre-sleep shake.

TRX Week.
HOLY COW. If you haven't ever tried any kind of TRX training... I STRONGLY encourage it. My shoulders, chest and lats, statically, were sore from supporting my core. But my abs... OMG MY ABS!!! They were sore for 3 full days after only a 25 minute ab circuit! Including OVER the ribs, from my sternum right down to my public bone, my upper obliques, my lower obliques, and my whole core from spine to belly button and back around. Maybe I'll do a video of my circuit sometime! Hummmm.... Maybe if I get enough requests. ;) Either way, this is going to be come at least a once a month thing for me.... Yeah, it was THAT good.

Mindset Change.
I got my body fat taken on Tuesday, and it was right where I expected to be... Right at 14%, which is fine with me. I'd say that is a very reasonable place to be, and I have only gained 5lbs. My LBM hasn't changed much since coming off prep... I was hoping working for a little gain, but still have December to work on that. However, I am positive that dollars to donuts (or egg whites, if you like) I will come in better shape, more conditioned, and leaner come contest time!

But considering my fed-up-ness, I had to think about some things. Although I was fed up with feeling fat...
I think I was more just feeling fed up with myself. The plan was to lean out this month and go thru another sort of bulking in December. After getting my body fat test, heading into the locker room, and looking at myself in the mirror... I found myself really SEEING myself in the mirror. Prior to that moment, when I was looking in the mirror I was seeing: the lovehandles that came back, the lack of definition, exactly where all the fat decided to go, and a person who couldn't live up to her word. 14% body fat is still lean.

And a memory came back to me as I stared into my own eyes. I was brought back to a place about mid-way through my weight loss journey where I was becoming fully engrossed into my Bikram Yoga practice. A moment where I felt like I was seeing myself for the first time. Vision undistorted. And choosing to like the person I saw. Choosing to like my body. And deciding that wherever I am today is perfect.

That being said, I'm not going to go into a cut for this month. I am choosing that where I am right now is perfect for right now. That's not saying I won't bust my ass in the gym! My focus is going to be working hard, drinking loads of water, eating well, and enjoying my off-season... Which only has 8 weeks left to it.

I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, when where I am right now is perfect... but with the pressure also came the feelings of inadequacy. And maybe its okay to be fed up with the obsession of perfection. We aren't perfect. We can't strive to be perfect. We can only strive to be better than the day before. For me, that means relieving the pressure of perfection, and choosing to be happy with myself and with life!

What are you fed up with? How are you striving to be better?

There's No Way

Help! I've fallen off the wagon and I CAN get up!
Admittedly, I got carried away with food. Everything was tasting SO GOOD! The dragon got me.  However, life has been a struggle lately. Many of you know, my grandpa's health has taken a turn for the worse in the last few weeks so the majority of my free time is with family. And aside from that, I struggle with life and what I want to do in it... I'm pretty sure all of you know how I feel about my job right now. lol!

But I got FED the EFF UP! Does anyone remember what self-loathing feels like? No? Well, its an effing circle that sucks you down. Whirlpool of doubt and suck. I spent a good portion of Thursday letting myself get fed up, crying, and figuring my own crap out. And sometimes, FED UP is the best place to be in. FED UP is what got me to where I am now. So, I started to begin my cut (as planned for November) today instead of Monday. Still had a heavy leg day yesterday to make use of the glycogen in my muscles from excess sugar/crap/carbs/fat/blah.

Also! I am now going to be working with my trainer once a week to two weeks. Having someone to talk to about your issues and help you figure out how to get around them is absolutely priceless! This month without working with him just proved to me that I need my trainers. All the time. Not just on prep.

Prepping for Contest Prep.
So, I feel that I need to explain myself.. I feel like I didn't really explain very well about the pink suit, because I hear from people that they like the pink suit for me... I didn't expect it to be THAT pink... I can handle like a dark coral color and thought that might look good on my complexion, but super-barbie-pink? I'm just not the kind of girl who could pull that off. I'm a little bit more tomboy and PINK-pink makes me feel uncomfortable. lol! I want to feel thrilled about my suit. And whatever, gives me an excuse to shop for a new suit. ;) I haven't decided if I'm going to try to sell the pink suit or not, kinda nice to have an extra suit to pose in.
My newest endeavor has been choosing a bottom. LOL! The rules have changed in some states in what kind of cut a bikini bottom can have... but the lines seem so fuzzy. Was trying to figure out what I can get away with. lol (Can I get a HI-Ohhhh?!) The rules state that the cut has to cover at least 50% of the gluteus maximus, but honestly... I don't think women are doing this much coverage even at local competitions.

Moving on, back when I was in prep, Patrick expressed concern with me doing back to back shows. Just because my man missed me, but there are things to be said about contest prep. So much to notice and learn about yourself. Patterns, thought processes, insecurities.. And at about 9 weeks out, I gave up. I gave up resisting what contest prep wanted to give me.

There's no way I couldn't not get better as a person. Being on contest prep is more or less a Pressure Cooker. You're developing a body that is stage ready but life continues on. There are responsibilities of the real world that cannot be overlooked. And I believe that you can choose to do one of two things during contest prep:

1. You can let your insecurities get the best of you, neglect your relationship, ignore your friends, breakdown crying, complain about prep, and STRESS!

OR

2. You can embrace your insecurities as opportunities and strive to be a better person than you were the day before.

For me, there was no way I could maintain my relationships as I was: Insecure, unsure, OCD, emotional, exhausted, financially frivolous, stressed, STRESSED, anxious, self-loathing, self-defeating, self-depreciating, and selfish. Obviously, my relationship with Patrick is top priority. Going into this prep, I had to make things better. I gave every effort to seeing myself as I am, which is beyond hard. I know that I am a stressed person, and when my stress is bad... It really affects Patrick.

I had to consciously choose my attitude on the daily around him. I really didn't want to make a stressful situation like prep, even more stressful on him. I constantly worked to make it easier on him: tried hard to not complain, still gave him the foods I couldn't eat, offered to do chores I hated, offered to help him with things that I didn't want to, still carried on with my own chores, gave him backrubs when I wanted to pass out, and worked on my attitude in order to not drive this man away.

And Patrick did his best to support me. I know I have given him MANY MANY kudos on here but I don't think I could express the magnitude of how incredible this man is. But will try:
1. When I was too tired to make me dinner, although Patrick doesn't cook he would do his best to cook or at least help me... Constantly asking me what else he needed to do.
2. He offered to help me clean the house so I could be done faster. He began to even put away his own laundry and taking out the trash without me asking. It wasn't that he didn't want to before, I just am Miss Independent and I rarely ask for help.
3. He was always telling me how incredible I looked, even on week 8 when I only felt flabby. Or on week 3 when completely retaining water. Or on week 2 when bloated due to TOM. And on Peak Week when I was fighting sickness, looked like a zombie and would cry at the mention of pumpkin bread or sex.
4. On days I was struggling, he would text me that I'm amazing and can have anything in life that I want.
5. He would tell me that he sees me as a Pro Athlete. (HUGE! When you're just struggling to be enough, hearing that you act and train like a pro was incredible... I'm tearing up thinking about it.)
6. We got really good at communicating, if I was tired and depleted and on the verge of tears... I would tell him. If he needed to not hear about my diet and training for a night, he would tell me. If I was too tired to have a certain conversation, I would communicate. And we would both honor each other in that.
7. He learned not to take my tone personal. Right before Peak Week I was stressing about getting chores done when I was really tired and I was crying about it... And said, "Babe, I have to get it done because no one else is going to do it." And that was never an attack on him, so he has learned that during this time he just can't take my words personally. Ooh, the next day I said something like "Babe, did you feed the dogs? Or is that a chore I need to do?" Simple question, but could have been taken wrong very easily.
8. There were days where he would initiate us going to bed at 7 when he could see I was clearly struggling.
9. Toward the end of prep, we were struggling financially for some of my stage stuff... But he initiated selling things on CraigsList to come up with funds. That man truly does want my dreams to come true.

But my point in all this really, is just to say... Spend time reflecting on who you are, during prep or off-season. Allow yourself the humility to have grace and forgiveness on yourself. Forget the past, forget the future, and live in what you want for yourself right now. Don't wait. Life your life right now.

Back off the rabbit trail.
When Patrick originally expressed concern over my contest schedule in September, we agreed that I would only do 1-2 shows a year for however long I want to continue in it.  But given the fact that I have learned SO much about myself and how I handle stress, I am very much less stressed out in off-season than I used to be. So, I really want this next year to see what I can do and being as I have the best man ever, he understood and is choosing to support me in this contest schedule this year (remember how I like to plan lol):
-The Emerald Cup in Bellevue, WA on April 21st. This is a big show and very big for my first one... but oh well! I'm not intimidated.
-The Empire Classic here in Spokane on April 28th, although not a national qualifier. And depending on my placement at the Emerald Cup, if I still want to try for a National Qualifier...
-The Bill Pearl Classic in Bend, OR on May 12th.
Should I decide I want to try my hand at a National Show, I may do one at the end of next year. I know I will need a break during the summer. I prepped ALL last summer, and think I'd like to have some of the summer next year to enjoy. Maybe Nationals in Florida. We'll see. Always fun to dream about possibilities though. Am I right? :)

PS- I chose blue. Already ordered. ;)

This girls' booty is sore and ready for this cut! Progress pictures are going to wait another week or two... Its a hard thing to post your own booty on a blog for all to see! lol!

But!! Here is a pic of us from Halloween :) We were Joe & Jill Dirt. But NO ONE got it! Eventually I had to take sharpie to his shirt to say "Life's a Garden - Dig It." And then people got it!

Anyone seeing those HAMS?! :D I like it like it..

Have a great weekend friends!!

The BodyBuilding.com Spokesmodel Search

For a long time, I really and truly did not like being the person who asked for help. And now I find that it is the only way to learn: learn who my real friends & supporters are and learn who I am in how I respond to learning a thing.

And now I am asking for your help. :) I am not going to be the person who continually pesters you for help or asks you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY to vote for me, because I believe that the people who vote should be the ones that want to because they want you to succeed. Although I may mention it on my weekly posts :) And any help in spreading the word for me would be very much appreciated!

I applied for the BodyBuilding.com Spokesmodel search and I would both love and appreciate your votes!

You are allowed to vote for one female and one male entrant every day in November. I genuinely want to see where this could take me :) Because, why not? Why not me? So many bikini competitors were offered fantastic opportunities even when not winning the Spokes Model search! Maybe it will land me a sponsorship!

Please vote for me here:
 http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/2012-bodyspace-spokesmodel-search-voting.html

I really appreciate all of you. I realize that reading my words cannot convey the amount of appreciation and support I feel from all of you that comment and read regularly, but you all truly and honestly give me my greatest motivation to achieve my goals. And I love being the person who both inspires and supports all of your goals and actions, although that is something I need to work on! Thank you so much for your votes and love! I hope to make you all proud this next year!