Sometimes I put a disclaimer like that on my post, and feel like I'm supposed to say something bitchy right away or explain myself right away. I don't have a big long story to tell you or anything, this is just the culmination of many things that are just getting to me. Well, more than getting to me. I'm borderline breakdown currently, I'm just doing all I can to hold on. And sometimes that's all we can do.
WAHHHHH! Diet was going really good, well and it is… But I'm tempted beyond belief. Sometimes I'll be going through a whole day kicking myself and notice that I'm more or less punishing myself for even thinking about cheating. Here's my issue(s).
EVERY EFFING DAY my man is bringin home new delicious foods. Last prep he was really good about suffering with me. This time? Not so much. Bringing home carrot cakes, and chocolate zucchini bread (GRRRR!!!) and just having things around that are making this awful for me. And when he wants me to make something its always cookies, or bacon, or something there is no way I can have and I would love to have. And my irritation level is hitting the point where this might become a fight soon. Really this needs to be a conversation before it does become a real fight. lol
But honestly, my FG (Fat Girl) is really struggling in other areas of my life which makes sticking to the diet harder. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but I'm tearing up as I type this. This is an area that is really starting to require more attention to detail and will be changing in the very near future, :( And I really need support. My FG is tempted to shove whole chocolate filled donuts down my throat to soothe the other areas of emotional crisis.
My FG is shouting "HELP!" and My Athlete ego is desperately trying to pull FG down the prep road. If you've never had food issues, you probably can't relate. Holla at me if you can!
I did find out in the last couple of weeks that Gluten is going to be a no-go forever in prep. FOREVER! (Say it like in The Sandlot) FOR-EV-VER! I had a burrito for my cheat meal a week ago, with flour tortillas, and it took my body the whole week to recover from it. A whole week lost in prep history. Lame. I got that dumb crampy feeling on the right side of my belly button during cardio the WHOLE WEEK.
Still on 45 minutes a day. Its cool, I'm not having any problems getting it in. I'm mixing it up with the intensities and HIIT levels every day, which is fun. I FINALLY made my way to fleet feet and they recommended some New Balances (duh! I can't believe I got talked into anything else!). They are making a HUGE difference in my PM Cardio sessions, which are always more intense. My shins are now "Good Workout Sore" and not "Muscle Tearing Off The Bone Sore." Yipee!
Really loving the improvements my abs and legs are making. I have begun to split up legs again, and am spending all of my sessions focused on what I want to see onstage in that body part. "SLATE flat abs!" "Quad separation!" "Lean ASS!" No joke. Say whatever you want, but its helping me stay focused. And whatever helps us get the job done, right??
1- The Internet at home has been touch and go. If you're in the Spokane area, don't ever sign up for Century Link! They will EFF you right over!
2- The Internet at work is fine, but the browsers are outdated and I can't update at our big hospital, that's a hospital decision. So I can't ever post my blogs. Thus why I'm only posting every few weeks.
3- Chocolate Zucchini Bread. Where do you get off existing and placing yourself in my home?! Don't ever do that again. EVAR.
4- Where the hell is my tax refund? It’s a week late. So dumb, but grrrr!
5- Work. I'm really REALLY effing overwhelmed and worn down. I think about quitting my job every day. Its genuinely starting to wear on my self-esteem. A promotion is only worth the extra stress, if your pay makes it worth it. And mine isn't.
6- I need girlfriends. I have ZERO in Spokane. All the girlfriends I have/had in this area either all got sick of my fitness fanaticism or started having babies in which they have no time to have friends. I'm actively working on making girlfriends at the gym. But most people (much less females) don't really get my brash/sarcastic sense of humor. Plus I'm so not about female drama, and somehow that makes me not click well with women. I genuinely feel closer to some of the ladies I interact with online than I do my friends in Spokane.
7- I might need to change gyms. Its really stressing me out. I'm kinda not sure I should talk about it (if you're concerned let's email) but Crazy Trainer will be a blog post someday. I promise. :)
8- I miss coffee. 9 more weeks. And bacon.
9- I miss Patrick. He has had to work so much lately that I feel like I never see him. :( And he leaves his delicious/crappy food when he goes. I need my rock right now!
1+ I ordered my stage jewelry! I bought a bracelet and some new earrings. I have a ring already that I think is blingin enough for the stage.
2+ I ordered new stage shoes! Believe it or not, although I have not stepped on stage in my shoes… they are DIRRRRTY! I wear them all the time and we live in the country so dust is everywhere. Might be nice to have a separate pair of shoes for practice and the stage anyway.
3+ I got confirmation that my new suit is on its way! I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR THIS THING ON STAGE!
4+ I made my tan & hotel reservations for the Emerald Cup. As soon as I get that tax refund, the entry fee will be paid! Its ON!
5+ Weight is still about 110-111 lbs. Only 5 pounds to lose in 8 weeks?! Its so awesome I just have to giggle.
6+ This coming week I will start meeting with Jacques (prep coach) every week. I think I'm ready for that and need it.
7+ I'm still here and still in it! I've only gotten sick once this prep, last prep I had been sick into my 3rd time by now. I'm determined to finish and get on that stage this time. I have begun thinking about the off-season, in which will probably be a nice long one. At least 6 months. We are thinking about doing some mountain hiking over the summer with my dad, maybe a triathlon, but definitely relaxing. I only took off a few weeks between seasons this time, and before that had dieted for about 2 years… I'll be ready to figure out what healthy living looks and feels like as part of real life, and not just prep life. And then figure out some future contests. As you all well know, I'm always looking to what's next. Which brings me to my next point…
We can all push and push harder. When you find yourself having a difficult time:
Focus only on what's next. Even in the minute details of your day, there is nothing more than what's next.
Sometimes it truly is all we can do from falling apart. But genuinely, if I fell apart I would have nothing to be proud of. Knowing that I'm staying in it although my life is more than difficult is all I have to be proud of and look forward to at this moment. And I know that when this is over, I will be that much stronger because I did choose to hold on.