Friday, August 26, 2011

Changing Times!

Lots of things going on in my world currently. I feel so "matter of fact" about all of this, but I really don't have the time or energy to analyze everything anymore. :)

I've made a rather significant change, which I am EXTREMELY excited about... but I'm not going to be ready to share it until right before my comp. I just have to be careful to not let any negative-isms into my routine. My mind can and will run with any negativity. So be expecting a surprise around the time of my comp!

5 WEEKSSSS!!! I can't believe it and I'm half sweating it! Its just crazy! I am not and cannot count down the days. It freaks me the frank out. Weeks makes it seem longer and like I have more time, otherwise I freak out about not having enough time to make the necessary changes! And therefore do not sleep. Insomnia makes everything worse.

Training: I'm losing strength this week, 10 lb bicep curls, wtf?! Fail. I half thought it on Monday and it was certain on back day... 70lbs felt so so SO hard on the lat pulldown. On the positive side it is taking me less to get sore! lol!  I'm lifting less and my back, core, and triceps are sore. But my perserverance is still up, set out to only run 18 mins (and some stairmill after) on Tuesday and ended up running for 40! I may be wearing thin, but I am not wearing down!

Diet: No more cheatsies. :) But I'm kind of glad, still. I'm still glad that I now have the opportunity for 6 straight weeks to bring my absolute best package to the stage. I might be grumpy, but I am excited! Still completely off all artificial sweeteners... and still having crampy issues in the tummy while running. Its so weird. I cannot peg it to anything at this point. The only processed anything I am taking into my body is protein powder and supplements.

Posing: On the daily! :)
Not an actual pose, but just liked how this one showed my round shoulders!
5 Week Check In: Went well! Jacques was again satisfied with my progress and feel that I will be ready for competition. I hadn't planned on meeting with him until into the week, I just needed the encouragement. That has been making all the difference in the world, just the communication.

Appointments: I'm starting to get these down. Anyone have any suggestions for how to work with the tanner and do a photoshoot the day before? I should just do it the day after, but I want a good rest day on Sunday! I know what I need to book, I just don't know what my schedule will look like yet.

I love my boyfriend. He makes my life so much easier.
I've noticed, quite literally, that I lose fat from top to bottom. Srsly. My back is LEAN :
Blurry, but leansy!
but the rest of me is leaning out from top to bottom. Shoulders, lean. Boobs? Lean, ugh. Arms, lean. Stomach, losing it from top to bottom. Legs appear on the heavy side (small, but the majority of my fat hangs out there).
Insomnia has come back... I go to bed medicated now (Just about everyone I say this to suggests Melatonin, doesn't work for me. Have also tried Alka-Seltzer PM-Only works when I'm sick.) from a perscription around 830 and I don't fall asleep until after midnight. I get up at 345. Its become a problem again... anxiety about competing is just getting me! I've never been great in front of loads of people, but this is a fear I want to conquer!
I had measurements taken and such. Weight is around 111.5 lbs... which if I am doing my math right and have retained the same amount of muscle (which is unlikely, I've likely lost a tad during cardio), that puts me at 13.2% bf. Not super important, but kinda nice to know!

I wrote a little breakup letter to my fat, wanna hear it? (shush, I'm carb deprived and desperate for my hard work to show)

"Dear fat,
You have kind of become a free-loader. You spend your time wasting away under the skin around my hips and tummy, and you definitely aren't pulling your weight like the rest of my body. I mean, you are only really functional in emergency situations, which doesn't make you valuable it makes you annoying. I think its time you've found a new residence somewhere outside my body because let's be honest... this relationship just isn't working out for either of us. I don't and can't continually feed you so you can thrive, and you both weigh me down and aren't flattering to have hanging around when I want to wear a bathing suit. I mean for the love of sweet baby Jesus on Christmas morning, NO ONE LIKES YOU! You have T-Minus 37 days to get all your shit and get the hell out.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone! If I don't respond to your posts, please know that I'm reading & thinking about you all!
STAY TUNED IN for the next 5 weeks and a fun surprise!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

This Isn't The Hard Part

Being on contest prep for the last 12 weeks, has already been a highly rewarding experience, already! I still have 6 more weeks to go, but I honestly feeeeellll like I may have, I'll say it quick, gonethruthehardpart...? I know its crazy, but I'll explain below. By the why, I also wanted to half apologize, but not really, for being extremely "documentary". This wasn't something I planned on my blog becoming but it just sort of has. I used to really like writing about things that inspired me, but I've found that living this lifestyle is inspiring me now. This whole process is really begin to feel exciting, also explained below.

I can see my ab lines.
I'm leaner than I've ever been.
I have found a strength in myself that I've never seen before.
I've found friends in the body building world that support me in my goals.
I'm proud of myself for perservering.

BUT, I have a renewed strength and determination for a final push. 6 weeks isn't a ton of time, but I have it in me to prepare my body in 6 weeks. Hell! I lost 19 lbs in 6 weeks when I was overweight, I can lose a few more pounds of fat in these last 6!

Training: Training is going well, not much is changing as far as that goes except my own intensity. My cardio is more intense and I'm spending a lot more time running, as I feel that is what is going to take my athleticism to the next level. My treadmill HIIT workouts are a thing I didn't know I could handle before, I'm sprinting and sweating liters.

And this isn't something I've ever felt that I could do before. I've always been afraid of pushing too hard and hurting myself. But I've honestly not seen any problems with my back in months. I'm training on a level that I thought I couldn't do because I wasn't sure how easily I would burn out. And I'm not. :) I've found my spark that causes me to live my dream day in and day out. I think I'm in that surreal high of contest prep. I feel power, fatigue, hunger, burning, intensity, and life. I realize I'm being uber poetic, but I'm PMS'ing and hormonal. But I'm also more proud of myself right now than I have ever been, and more sure of myself than I have ever been. And I'm embracing that.

Diet: Doing great this week! Still off sweeteners, which my stomach feels 100x better than it did... the crampies came back at the beginning of the week (probably due to the sugar & sweeteners on Sunday) during my cardio. It lessened a LOT by Wednesday morning. I was tempted for some coffee this morning, but that feeling that the sweeteners gives isn't worth it. That feeling is awful!
And I have to SMACK thank Nicole Wilkins-Lee for posting the information about spray butter. UGH! And once you know something, you can't un-know it. So, spray butter is now out... but I'm still on high sodium so its just more added salt to food. I just couldn't justify continuing to consume it at this point in my prep, it was kind of a decision that looked a lot like: "It could be the difference between failure and having my dreams." Done deal.
Still eating a LOT more fish than I was used to. And by a lot I mean, 4-5 nights a week. The texture is now getting easier to handle, which I think came with figuring out how to cook it correctly.

Misc: Hot flashes are back! Again getting crazy hot flashes in the middle of the day, which I am now taking to mean my metabolism is up and hard at work!
I'm drinking a TON of water. And not because I've been required to but I've been one thirsty girl!
I'm not missing as much this week. Missing, as in coffee or sweets and stuff. I think Sunday snapped me right out of my half-commitment to this and has caused me to realize that... This is my dream. I want to hold my pro-card (spoiler alert: maybe in a different division?) someday. I've stared at the women in M&F Hers and coveted what they had: not just a body (but also that...), but a fire about them that says without words, "I am an athlete. I work hard for what I have. And I'm confident because I accomplish everything I want." Yeah. Want that.

Also, facts. But random ones.
My house gets neglected when I'm tired. My OCD-self somehow subsides. (also a good thing?)
My house also gets efficient, I no longer bother with sorting clothes in the wash. Neither of us wear red, so no harm done.
Not everyone is supportive in your goals. In my case, this is due to not always having the time to spend with everyone I want to, or that wants to spend time with me.
TOM is scheduled for the week before Peak Week. Looking forward to that adventure.
I keep wondering if I'm going to have to go to 3 a days cardio. Part of me wants that though, just for an excuse to run my fat pup/dog (he's 7 months and 160 lbs... Pretty sure that is only going to get worse...)

I wish I were kidding. He's only 7 months.
Logistics: I was successful in undoing my Hiccup from Sunday. Friday morning I weighed in at 111.5 lbs. By Wednesday I had back almost all of my definition. By Thursday I felt I had it all back and then some! Right now I'm noticing some of the definition in my legs coming out (eeee!) and my pants aren't fitting AT ALL anymore. My size 4 pants, sadly are baggy. I can completely remove them without unbuttoning or unzipping. Yikes! I must be losing in the booty/hips area right now! Can I get a WOOT WOOT for TONS of new clothes from a yard sale?! Check it:

6 Week Check-in:  Went great, it was short and sweet because Jacques was satisfied with my progress. We discussed my Hiccup and what it actually did for me mentally. We also began to discuss my off season, which I'm feeling really excited about (I might discuss later, if people really want to know). We also mentioned that I am marking my last cheat meal tonight. Which is yogurt and a piece of fruit. Yay! But I'm also excited to be pressed into a long period of time with no cheats. I'm excited to see what my body does with the amount of drive I'm feeling at this point.
PS-Lisa @ Lisa's Fit World & JR @ Undercover Pro: For some reason, your blogs are now blocked where I tend to read them :) for adult content. I love you both and promise I'm not ignoring you!!! I will try to get caught up on your blogs on the weekend!

Have a lovely week everyone! While I may not comment on everyones' blogs, I do read all of them. :) I promise to update you with progress pics next week!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Week 7 Update: Ugh

I've been really sick :( Not just "kinda not feeling good and don't really feel like going to work" sick... but fever and not holding food down kinda sick. I was at 102 fever for 3 days, which broke today.... Food was either going right through me or right back up during the entire fever time. It was ugly. And unfortunately being an adult, you don't just have your mommy come take care of you.

Prep is hard. LOL! I didn't gorge on hot chocolate like I wanted to. I refrained from granola bars and bagels. I stuck to my diet best I could. Now, that doesn't mean I replaced things with comfort food... it just means I couldn't get it all down most of the time. And the other part of the time it came back up.

By Friday I was feeling somewhat better except I couldn't hear out of my right ear (wtf?!) and my throat is still a bit sore. I went to the doctor on Friday and not only a sinus infection but infections in both ears... awesome.

Workouts have been... Ugh. I did cardio and weights last Monday but haven't done anything else until this morning. I have been told that I can only ease back into my workouts... which is right annoying. And now that I had been so long without it made me absolutely thankful for it this morning.

I did get some energy yesterday afternoon and was able to do some meal prep for next week, which made me feel like I was doing something in effort towards my prep.

And guess what else I did?! I FINISHED the top to my suit! It is DONE DONE. Not just done, DONE DONE. That definitely helped me feel like I was doing something in effort towards my prep. :)

I was hoping to be able to post progress pics but that isn't happening. Having been really sick and not working out all week... I feel soft and somewhat fat. I know I'm not fat, but my tummy feels bloated... and I'll tell you why.

I know I've said this before, but I do believe that our best effort towards greatness is the ability to be able to be honest with ourselves. I could very easily let you all think I'm amazing and perfect in my prep, but I'm not. No one would know about my cheat, but I don't want anyone to think prep is easy and without great challenges... I cheated. Its true, did it. Or didn't do it, depending on what we're talking about lol. Prep is far from a piece of cake and I experienced real turmoil with it this last week.

I was doing good with the diet during the height of the sickness, except not being able to get it all down... Until Sunday. I had been working on the self-loathing all week, working hard not to indulge knowing it would make prep harder once I jumped back in... but sickness felt never-ending. My problem wasn't being sick and feeling crappy, my problem was worrying about prep. I convinced myself that taking a few days off was impossible and I let my heart give up. Saturday, Jacques mentioned doing a treat meal to up my calories and my heart took that as the opportunity I was waiting for to self-sabotage. I started out good, I had a my usual first thing protein shake... and then we went to breakfast... My cheat meal was: Raspberry Poppy seed French Toast. But that also came with raspberry cream cheese on top with syrup, coffee WITH cream, 2 pieces of bacon and a whole mess of grilled red potatoes. It was incredible.

But it didn't stop there, I wish it did... but it didn't.
I ate a sandwich: double fiber bread, lots of grilled chicken and cheese... with mayo...
I snacked on blueberries.
I ate a white chocolate macadamia nut Cliff bar.
And had an unmeasured bowl of cereal (Special K Vanilla Almond) with an unmeasured amount of non-fat milk and more blueberries.

I realize that I didn't do awful. I realize I can't even really call this a BINGE (handsome calls it my Hiccup), because I wasn't stuffing my face full of sweets. I just reverted back to off-season diet. I'm not proud. I'm not proud of my expanded waistline. I'm not proud to have weighed in at 114.2 lbs this morning, and I'm not proud that that brings my weight up 2 lbs from last Monday. I see my bloated belly in shame this morning. My heart saw a cheat meal as satisfying my feelings of worthlessness, except it didn't satisfy and my mouth wanted to keep trying. It didn't work.

This morning, I still had to wake up, lace up my running shoes, and get on that treadmill.

And this morning, I had to buck up and admit my fault to my trainer and to all of you. We fall down, we get back up. We cheat on our diets, and we work hard at proving to OURSELVES that we are worth the fight.

This morning, with my bloated belly, I stepped on the treadmill with a broken spirit. But I busted ASS on that treadmill and left it covered in stream of sweat (which I obviously cleaned off...) and proved to myself that I am still worth the fight, I am still worth trying for, and I am still, if not more of, an athlete. And that feeling of pride is worth every feeling of humiliation.

I may be on the countdown for 6 weeks and behind target for myself, but 6 weeks is stocked full of days that I will be using to my every advantage. I can make big things happen in 6 weeks.

Here's to making your dreams come true!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


Hey! Somehow I have 50 people that like to read what I have to say :)

Sooooo, I got really sick, again... So I'm home nursing a fever and drinking Thera Flu trying to hold down my chicken. And although I absolutely detest being home sick... wanna see something cool?

This was me 2 years ago:
I don't even recognize this girl. Literally this was Spring 2009. I look knocked up, fat, and depressed.

Me now. Well, not now because I'm sick... but recently. ;)

I know I've told my story a lot, but revisiting those moments of where you used to be, makes you thankful for where you're at. If you haven't done that in a while, take a few minutes to think about what you've done (this isn't being a mom, because that was a gift... this is what you have done) that makes you proud.

So, I've been getting quite a few questions lately that I would love to answer. *ahem*

Since you've lost over 60 lbs, do you see yourself as skinny now or do you still see the fat?
Excellent question, for a long time I didn't see the changes. I think you develop a self-image after being large that takes a long time to dispel. With developing self-confidence and self-love, you begin to see yourself as you are. I feel like I'm in a position in my life at this point to see what is there. And let me tell you ladies who are working on your own weight loss, that there will always be faults. You will always see something that you "hate." But instead of thinking how much you hate it, try thinking about how you can change it. Even if you work on your butt for the rest of your life, its still a fight worth fighting! ;)

I do want to say, also, that I think others see me differently. And I get criticism, of course. Like the following:
  • You don't have boobs big enough to be successful at competing. Touche. To be fair, however, my smallness is an insecurity I deal with. I work on loving myself all the time, no matter what I look like. Big OR small, stomach, butt, or boobs. I really don't dig the idea of surgery beyond what is medically necessary, but I think losing your size can make you feel less feminine and it has for me. I work on it.
 "I hear the criticism loud and clear, that is how I know that the time is near." -Nicki Minaj

Do you see food differently since you're eating such a strict diet? Are you afraid of fattening foods?
Nope! I'm still a foodie. I check out people's lunches and snacks, not because I'm judging but because it looks good. I never judge what people eat. Its their body. Gravy fries, maple bacon donuts, and hot dogs still always look and sound good to me. And I almost shove pumpkin bread up my nose daily. Mmm, food.

How do you deal with excess skin?
Before I say how I deal with this, I just want to say that this is a very real issue for a lot of women that seems to get worse as you age. And this is a great reason to START NOW. Don't wait until tomorrow to have the body you want, because as we get older our skin loses its elasticity.
So, first I tried Celtrixa... this is the product we see on tv all the time that is supposedly proven to reduce the appearance of stretch marks. I used this for a couple weeks and the smell wasn't pleasant... just smelled like medicine. And while I can say that this product probably lightened the color of the stretch marks, but I don't feel that this product reduced the overall appearance, which is what I was hoping for.
Currently, I use daily a product by Nourish called Skin Tight. This product came highly recommended on as the number one product plastic surgeons recommend to patients prior to a procedure. I found this for $22.95 on (and don't tell anyone I said this, but I happened upon a discount code of SKIN which brought my purchase down to $7 haha). It comes in tons of different scents and I love it. It doesn't make your skin feel tight like you used harsh soap but my skin does feel more firm. :)

I really dig hearing from all of you! If you have any questions for me, please feel free to email or post! Also, if you read and I haven't heard from you, please say hi! :) I enjoy you all giving me things to speak my mind on. lol I'll give an update on my prep in a day or two. Hope you're having a lovely week friends!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Inspirational Tuesday

I've got to give a shout out to Jaime Baird this morning. Taking her second Pro win at the Jacksonville Pro Bikini this last weekend. I have to give this woman credit, she earned a nickname that could not easily be shaken, "The Perennial Bridesmaid" had to have been a hard one to hear. 
If you compare her at the Jacksonville Pro to her 2008 debut, her hard work is astounding.
IFBB Pro Bikini Jaime Baird is one that I particularly admire because she didn't take that nickname as a death sentence. She pushed past it and took 2 pro wins this year.

I'm less than 8 weeks away from my competition and just need to say some stuff.
*I'm really tired of hearing that people thinking that I'm being "unhealthy" or that "this isn't good" for me. Apparently people don't really know athletes and how they eat, sleep and breathe their goals.
     -I'm not going to stop or spend time justifying myself anymore. Its my lifestyle, not yours. I push beyond "feelings" and "wants" to what needs to be done to accomplish my goals. Period. Food, drinks, parties, socializing, etc.
*I'm really tired of spending time justifying my goals to people because they think its vain that I focus so much on my body.
     -At least I am spending time working on the one thing I am going to be able to count on for the rest of my life: My body.
*No, Patrick and I are not engaged. Yet. We both know we want to marry each other, and we have discussed marriage as well as a wedding. I still await a ring and a promise. :)

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

8 Weeks Out and Making Hard decisions

Its crazy to think that in 8 weeks, I will be stepping on stage in heels and a blinged out bikini looking like nothing less than a Victoria's Secret model with muscles. Its crazy, also, to think that whether or not my physique is ready... I am stepping on stage. But also very exciting because I know my physique will be ready.

Sweeteners have started to bug. My stomach has been crampy during cardio; I was thinking that the crampiness was due to drinking water so close to cardio, but it really is the artificial sweeteners. Done deal. I've quit all sweeteners cold turkey. This includes anything with artificial sweetener: sugar-free syrups, stevia with erythritol, ALL GUM (Extra has aspartame in it...), and any and all drink additives (Mio, Crystal Light) I guess I'm going to have to fall in love with water. But with big changes, you have to have a plan. My plan?
  • Tea in the morning because I just can't drink coffee with nothing in it.
  • Look into liquid stevias.
  • Water with lemon.
  • And when my breath is bad, I'll just brush my teeth as I keep a toothbrush & toothpaste in my desk. :)
I have ZERO energy for cardio in the morning lately. But I consider just making it to cardio a success, even if my intensity is low. I'm also seriously foam rolling the lactic acid and heck out of my legs before and after every cardio sess. My lifts are fine. I mean, they aren't exciting... its a lot of high reps, lower weight to bring fullness to my muscles... but it gets mentally tiring. I'm getting through it without shortcuts. Winning!

Diet is fine... I'm finally eating a lot more fish, which no one is telling me to but I feel less over-full when I eat fish at night. I'm actually having a rough time eating cheat meals! Not so much the eating them, but planning them. Ugh! What a DUMB thing to be having a hard time with. I just can't make a stupid decision on what I want. And I'm one of those people that if I feel like I can't make a good decision, I just won't. In life and in food. And sadly, or not, the things I really want are just day to day stuff I miss... coffee with cream, milk, a sandwich, cereal, english muffins.

My suit is ALMOST done. I got a good amount of time to work on it last Sunday and the top almost done (still a couple of fine tuning things), but the bottoms still need a lot of some work. I definitely need more rhinestones. :) Check it! 
This WAS the other side... Not completely finished still. I got wrapped up in the side below..
My blingy bikini. Please remember its kind of being pressed flat, when it is worn it looks better.

PS-if anyone wants to buy this thing off of me after competition, email me. I think I'm only going to ask $100 for the whole thing completed!

My memory about everything is almost gone. SO much going on... I am feeling the need to justify myself before I tell you this story. Ahem:

Contest Prep Diet + No more coffee + No more sweeteners at all + No gum + a hard workout + trying to make dinner + Patrick talking to me = BATH FLOODING HOUSE

That's right kids. I'm so forgetsy right now, that I flooded my house. Normally, when I get home from the gym, I immediately start a bath while trying to get dinner cooking, then I jump in the bath, by the time I get out... Poof! Dinner ready! Yesterday, I got dinner going and Patrick started talking to me about a bunch of stuff that I felt needed a full focus attention. Not the staring into space and going, "sure babe...", "right", etc. Nope, this time I felt like I should really try to pay attention. But what does that do? Floods the bathroom, the master bedroom, and the laundry room. Cool. Note to self: when you're really tired, don't make MORE work for yourself. Got it.

Git It Girl (check her out! She's funny as hell!) mentioned she wants a beer post comp. Momma (figuratively) over here wants some DRANKS! It might be a party. We'll see. But in all fairness, I rarely drink and have turned down many, many, many a beer in the last 8 months. Even when I wasn't in contest prep, I wasn't drinking, and we spend time with friends a lot and there is always wine or beer. Suck. I have my alcohol consumption planned for the next year: Post-Comp in October and Christmas (and my wedding..). And that's it.

Is it time to start getting my tan on yet?! Please, Prep-Gods, let these next 8 weeks fly by!

Monday, August 1, 2011

More Proudness!

I am also one that enjoys jumping on the band wagon. I would like to declare myself as the funny person with the trombone that randomly blows every now and then... because that is about how I feel. :)

Early in my days of Bikram Yoga, my teacher Beth had said (and this is something I will never forget, it constantly helps me moderate my life), "Do what you can today." Her words always have a way of piercing my heart at the right time.

In my mind, my long term successes are a source of pride, but what keeps me functioning day to day is my feelings of pride in my tiny accomplishments.

"You have to put in many, many, many tiny efforts that nobody sees or appreciates before you achieve anything worthwhile.” ~Brian Tracy

While I am proud of my relationship with my wonderful, sexy man Patrick, and proud of my family, proud of my crazy giant dogs, I am more proud of the little things.
  • I am proud that I made it to cardio on time on a Monday. That is a success to me.
  • I am proud that I can get up at 345 every day to get all my chores done before heading off to cardio. Because it makes my day a success.
  • I am proud that I have the opportunity to better my body and my mind twice a day, six days a week. The more I do it, the more proud I am that I have built the perserverance.
  • I am proud that I go so hard, that at the end of the day, I am sleeping amazing because I handled more in 18 hours than many people. I am proud of that feeling of absolute fatigue and exhaustion when I get into bed at night.
  • I am proud to be an athlete. I am proud of pushing myself day in and day out. Whether I want to or not.
  • And although I already mentioned my man Patrick, but he really is the best thing in my life. So encouraging, so awesome. He does such incredible things to help keep me unstressed that I absolutely feel so fortunate that I have the right man by my side. No joke, I came home at 930 Saturday morning (from a cardio sess) to the dishes done, laundry going, house swept, vacuuming done, dogs fed, AND he fed himself! That itself is incredible. :)  BUT he had also drawn me a bath. <3 Sigh <3
    He caught the garter and I caught the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Done deal. Love you babe. :)
Something I have thought about in contest prep, is there is no way you can't not get better. The months long span that contest prep covers, is more or less a crock pot to a better you. Its so hot and pressurized, and no room for error that you HAVE to find the courage to keep going. You have to build perserverance for an extreme diet that 99% of Americans couldn't handle. You have to build the desire to be at the gym enough to account for a second job. If courage is not built, if perserverance isn't made, and if desire isn't found... then contest prep really is just leaning out. Not the accomplishment it should be in your heart.
I love the inspiration of hearing what everyone is proud of. Check out some other crazy cool bloggers like Lisa, Liz, Kari, Tenecia, and Stacy and see what they're proud of!

Tell me what you're proud of! I love being inspired by all of you!