Week 7 Update: Ugh

I've been really sick :( Not just "kinda not feeling good and don't really feel like going to work" sick... but fever and not holding food down kinda sick. I was at 102 fever for 3 days, which broke today.... Food was either going right through me or right back up during the entire fever time. It was ugly. And unfortunately being an adult, you don't just have your mommy come take care of you.

Prep is hard. LOL! I didn't gorge on hot chocolate like I wanted to. I refrained from granola bars and bagels. I stuck to my diet best I could. Now, that doesn't mean I replaced things with comfort food... it just means I couldn't get it all down most of the time. And the other part of the time it came back up.

By Friday I was feeling somewhat better except I couldn't hear out of my right ear (wtf?!) and my throat is still a bit sore. I went to the doctor on Friday and not only a sinus infection but infections in both ears... awesome.

Workouts have been... Ugh. I did cardio and weights last Monday but haven't done anything else until this morning. I have been told that I can only ease back into my workouts... which is right annoying. And now that I had been so long without it made me absolutely thankful for it this morning.

I did get some energy yesterday afternoon and was able to do some meal prep for next week, which made me feel like I was doing something in effort towards my prep.

And guess what else I did?! I FINISHED the top to my suit! It is DONE DONE. Not just done, DONE DONE. That definitely helped me feel like I was doing something in effort towards my prep. :)

I was hoping to be able to post progress pics but that isn't happening. Having been really sick and not working out all week... I feel soft and somewhat fat. I know I'm not fat, but my tummy feels bloated... and I'll tell you why.

I know I've said this before, but I do believe that our best effort towards greatness is the ability to be able to be honest with ourselves. I could very easily let you all think I'm amazing and perfect in my prep, but I'm not. No one would know about my cheat, but I don't want anyone to think prep is easy and without great challenges... I cheated. Its true, did it. Or didn't do it, depending on what we're talking about lol. Prep is far from a piece of cake and I experienced real turmoil with it this last week.

I was doing good with the diet during the height of the sickness, except not being able to get it all down... Until Sunday. I had been working on the self-loathing all week, working hard not to indulge knowing it would make prep harder once I jumped back in... but sickness felt never-ending. My problem wasn't being sick and feeling crappy, my problem was worrying about prep. I convinced myself that taking a few days off was impossible and I let my heart give up. Saturday, Jacques mentioned doing a treat meal to up my calories and my heart took that as the opportunity I was waiting for to self-sabotage. I started out good, I had a my usual first thing protein shake... and then we went to breakfast... My cheat meal was: Raspberry Poppy seed French Toast. But that also came with raspberry cream cheese on top with syrup, coffee WITH cream, 2 pieces of bacon and a whole mess of grilled red potatoes. It was incredible.

But it didn't stop there, I wish it did... but it didn't.
I ate a sandwich: double fiber bread, lots of grilled chicken and cheese... with mayo...
I snacked on blueberries.
I ate a white chocolate macadamia nut Cliff bar.
And had an unmeasured bowl of cereal (Special K Vanilla Almond) with an unmeasured amount of non-fat milk and more blueberries.

I realize that I didn't do awful. I realize I can't even really call this a BINGE (handsome calls it my Hiccup), because I wasn't stuffing my face full of sweets. I just reverted back to off-season diet. I'm not proud. I'm not proud of my expanded waistline. I'm not proud to have weighed in at 114.2 lbs this morning, and I'm not proud that that brings my weight up 2 lbs from last Monday. I see my bloated belly in shame this morning. My heart saw a cheat meal as satisfying my feelings of worthlessness, except it didn't satisfy and my mouth wanted to keep trying. It didn't work.

This morning, I still had to wake up, lace up my running shoes, and get on that treadmill.

And this morning, I had to buck up and admit my fault to my trainer and to all of you. We fall down, we get back up. We cheat on our diets, and we work hard at proving to OURSELVES that we are worth the fight.

This morning, with my bloated belly, I stepped on the treadmill with a broken spirit. But I busted ASS on that treadmill and left it covered in stream of sweat (which I obviously cleaned off...) and proved to myself that I am still worth the fight, I am still worth trying for, and I am still, if not more of, an athlete. And that feeling of pride is worth every feeling of humiliation.

I may be on the countdown for 6 weeks and behind target for myself, but 6 weeks is stocked full of days that I will be using to my every advantage. I can make big things happen in 6 weeks.

Here's to making your dreams come true!