What's That Dumb Saying?

So, apparently this self-proclaimed winter phase is causing some sort of commotion in my mind. As I was feeling rather broken about not being into my practice, I started thinking about what I do during the winter.

Top Winter Activities for Lacey:
1. BAKE
2. Read Pride and Prejudice. Again.
3. Consider what I'm going to do after the Winter

I did plenty of baking this weekend (3 pumpkin pies and 1 pumpkin cheesecake) and I don't usually start Pride and Prejudice until December 1st... so, I'm considering things. Considering many a things.

Top Things to Consider for Lacey:
1. Spring Teacher Training

Uh oh. I've come down to crunch time to decide. But I fear a few things regarding training.

Top Things to Fear Regarding Teacher Training for Lacey:
1. Not being able to travel with my man during a prime traveling time.
2. Its expensive. How long am I seriously going to have to work for it to pay for itself?
3. How often am I really going to be expected to teach?
4. When the heck am I going to practice?

Which of those 4 are actually valid concerns? Only the last two. Honestly, I want to teach. I truly and honestly want to be part of the beautiful tribe that is Yarrow Yoga. I feel like I already belong to something bigger than what Yarrow Yoga is and has been. I may not have been practicing all that long, but I do feel like it is my studio and try to treat it as such. BUT... realistically I would only want to teach once or twice a week because the last thing I want is to neglect my practice (Although, arguably I already am...).

I suppose it is time to consider all the reasons why I should do it, instead of the fears. Bikram does say that newbies will always be scared and that is the biggest process... Getting past fear. Probably good idea to get a meeting going with my studio owner and express my concerns.

Anyone else wanna weigh in on the fears or excitement of Teacher Training?! I'd especially love to hear from peeps who are not doing it full time, but have another career or full time job they plan on keeping while teaching. :)

Winter

While commenting on another yogini's blog who has been having a hard time in her own practice and studio, it has occurred to me that while it is still technically Autumn in the Northwest that I am in the Winter of my practice. We all go through seasons in our lives, relationships, work, and now is really the first time I have experienced this season and feeling about something I love dearly.

Photo by Blown Up Studios

There have been changes in my practice, of course. We all experience the ups and downs, but since our studio moved... I didn't just experience a change or a low... This is a season. I am in the Winter of my practice. It may be due to the larger space, which feels obtuse and impersonal or it could be due to new teachers who aren't yet aware of my own capabilities and when to push me or it could be the simple fact that... our studio can't quite make it past 11% humidity. And I'll be honest, that humidity drives me and drives my meditation during yoga.

I will admit that for the last... month and a half, it has been like grinding teeth to get me to yoga. And not only that, my meditation is gone during my practice when I can manage to get myself there. I love my studio and I find yoga fascinating... I think about it all day long, practically. But when it comes to getting my body physically there, that is the hardest part. Practicing feels grueling.

I have experienced seasons. My "spring," filled with growth and enlightenment. My summer of basking and meditation in the heat. My autumn... well, frankly, fighting the depression that preceeds winter and longing for the sun. And I was feeling depressed about my practice, until this moment when I realized that it all comes and goes. "Fake it till you make it" has never felt more appropriate.

I am hoping that the studio will be hot today. HOT hot. I am a little sick and would love to just sit in the heat. I would be more than happy to enjoy this winter season of my practice, if I could just find that meditative spot of knowing, that Spring always comes after Winter.

You WILL start missing it...

The new studio has a glitch in the humidity. The class has been nice and hot... The humidity, however, has been wack!

I can tell you that my practice is sufferring for it. I still give my all but the humidity is surely missed. And not only that, but my skin is having a major break out from the lack in humidity!


Miss this feeling. :(


Come back to me, Humidity! I know we've had our differences and squabbles, but I love you now more than ever! Please come home to me!

Savasana

Not at all related to the topic of this post: Saturday I spent the majority of practice with the sun on (and in) my eyes. A 9am class and in the midst of November, which tends to be very cold and foggy in this part of Washington yet it was blue skies with the sun in my eyes. I loved it. You know how we tend to (or at least try to) spend our practice gazing at our own faces in the mirror, today I chose to look past noticing the sun in my face and stare at my own blue eyes that were glowing from the suns rays. I'm not one to toot my own horn, especially given that I struggle often with liking myself but I felt so beautiful in those moments. During the whole standing series, I felt love. Love for myself and just love.

At any rate, due to this post's title, I spent a lot of time noticing how my body feels in Savasana. Has any one else done this?

For example, when I come out of camel and lay in savasana, my body feels like the floor is rising up to cradle my body.
Or after fixed firm, feeling my body very warm from the increased circulation.

Savasana is really the most fascinating posture to me. It is the place we receive benefits, instead of trying to work for them. And the harder we try to work, the less we receive. We breathe and breathe and notice the tension in our bodies that doesn't release.

And what happens when we work or move in savasana? We don't receive. I like to think of the stillness as the act that prevents me from perpetual hell. No joke. We move to release the tickle from sweat in our ears or the lingering hair on our shoulder, but those little things are only temptations. Temptations to keep us from receipt of great emotional healing, beautiful body restoration, and mental stillness. Only to throw us into that perpetual hell of what our bodies currently feel like.

What does your perpetual hell feel like?

I can honestly say that my perpetual hell, which is the current state of my body that I continually work to come out of, feels like constant back aches. And rightfully so, having a broken spine really isn't wonderful, as some might think ;). My lower back aches, I have muscle spasms almost hourly, I am constantly leaning forward or backward to release tension. My left side is very inflexible (although some would argue that my half-moon is more than sufficient), and my right knee makes a grinding sound when I bend it. The idea that comes to mind as I lay in Savasana is that if I move, even an inch, I start all over again.

And in all of this time spent in yoga, how much have I given thought to the stillness in Savasana. Not enough. If I have any chance of wanting to release my human body from those pains, a quiet mind and body in Savasana is where I will find it.

Centering

Last night, I did some soul searching. Which I have done a lot lately. I feel that I have never been more ready to attempt the greatest challenge of life: working through insecurity and emotional baggage.

I have begun reading a book on abandonment and one of the questions to answer was: Describe your experience with lifting (the process of coming back to yourself, making you feel peaceful and confident). What experiences help you lift above pain, even if momentarily?

I was thinking back about when I first got divorced. And closed my eyes. I remembered yoga and what that felt like when I first discovered it... When I would cry on the mat, even though I was trying to hide it, I cried because it was the first time I felt peace. It was such a humbling feeling to calm my mind and trust that in that 90 minutes I could let go, even if it was for only 90 minutes... It was a period of time, where I could let it go. I would be free for over 100 minutes, because Savasana was my favorite place in the world.

And "lifting" is an excellent word to describe this yoga. We become present in ourselves. The mirrors force us to face who we are on the inside. And force us to love what we see, even if we are only mentally and emotionally capable of doing that for 90 minutes.

Most people don't like themselves. Isn't that profound?! There are always going to things people don't like about themselves, but the question is really... what do you do with that?

Most people continue to just let it sit there, and fester. And let it writhe inside of them like a self-esteem-eating-worm. I think there can be a line. I think there can be a line where we decide that there.. is something in ourselves that isn't working properly and we want to change it versus not liking something and leaving it.

Tonight, I went to yoga and practiced the same. I stopped being focused on the postures themselves, and focused on myself. Because this yoga is for me, and no one else.

I am beautiful and I am worthy and in those 90 minutes, even if for only 90 minutes, I can love myself.