The Struggle to Be More

I have been close yet distant, and vague yet detailed about my life. It’s so easy to show the best sides of one’s life, but not quite as easy to show the other sides. I think that I always feel that “everyone else is struggling, why would anyone want to listen to my struggle or hear me complain?” But I find myself in a more problematic predicament, that there is no way around. There is no way to change it, or sit around and hope that one day my schedule clears up so I can have my workout or blog time back.

Have you heard of the Facebook Depression? I was reading that its basically when you get depressed because you see all of the highlights of someone else’s life on their Facebook. Ha! Its true. I can’t tell you how many Stay at Home Mom’s Facebooks I stalk and Sigh at. Or see cute pictures of friends having a wonderful time with their cute kids, on the daily.

So, I’m just here to reiterate that my life isn’t always swell, and in fact, I struggle, I work and I know that most of you know where I’m at: Overstressed and injured with no time. And thus comes the struggle to be more.

We Support Each Other’s Dreams
There was a period of time where I could focus on my dreams completely, and then there was a period of time where I even had help achieving my dream. But right now, I’m in a period in life, where my husband needs my talents in order to achieve his dreams which is provide for our family and make us to be more than we currently are… but the journey is a lot longer than contest prep. It cannot be condensed into 12, 16 or even 20 weeks. In fact, this is now my life indefinitely.

When last year I anticipated that I would be busy, I did not stop to even consider the long term. I now work a 50 hour work week at my hospital job, and if I’m lucky, I only spend an extra 20 hours doing Administrative support for Bang’s Lawn Care. And I don’t earn a dime for this. And sometimes he needs help with jobs, which I also don’t get a cent for.

What I’m earning is a new life, a better life than what we have now. Supporting my husband’s dream has been even more challenging than trying for my own. This has meant endless meetings in order to learn accounting, learning all about owning a business, having employees and getting into radio advertising. I have become increasingly interested in Branding and Marketing, all to make this dream come true. Not to mention, just being a normal person and making time for anyone in my life is a huge struggle. One in which almost no one understands, and I get flack about it almost weekly – And I respond kindly, without excuses, even though that is not my first reaction.

But I’m Not Done!
And yet, when you spend all your time simply trying to make a living and support someone else’s dream… It’s not like yours goes anywhere. It’s still there. Inside my heart.Waiting for the time.

So this is the struggle. My heart feels the need to work toward my goals, even though I have almost no time to do so and have body limitations that are beyond my training knowledge. It’s depressing to look at workout plans and practically dissect them to weed out all of the exercises that are contraindicated for my conditions. Can’t squat. Can’t deadlift. Can’t machine hack squat. Can’t do some plyos. Can’t lunge. Can’t do any direct glute or hip work.

And don’t get me started on how long this has been. This has, by far, been the longest recovery period of my life. 6 months of hip healing, that has been incredibly painful both physically and mentally. I often feel lost.

In my lostness, there is a righteous anger. I’m fed up with hurting. Being in constant pain, makes me angry enough to work harder than I have in the past. I’m trying to work smarter and be in control of my plans… My plans that will be enacted the moment I have free time.

Upward and Onward

I’ve decided to no longer hide my struggles or hide my life. This blog IS about hard work isn’t it?? I'm weeding out the negatives in my life, and have decided to no longer spend my time "holding on". Because that is what it has seemed like. Holding on until the next moment where I can breathe and do what I want. But just like worry, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. And I definitely don't!

This now has to be what I want. In order for our business to become all that it can, and in order for me to achieve my own dreams, I have to want everything I have to do within each and every single day. I want to work. I want to do invoicing. And I NEED my workout time. I don't have time, I make time.

The Struggle to Be More
The interesting thing about life, is sometimes it requires you to become a better person. I never realized how incredibly selfish I was until my personal time was challenged, along with my patience, ego, commitment, and honor as a wife.

I'm struggling to be more of everything. Everything that life is requiring of me right now. Its almost like prep, you trust the plan that it will yield results. I rely solely on the hope that if I work hard and struggle long enough to be more... I will just be more.

Where do you struggle to be more than you are? How do you make yourself happy when committing your time to others??

25 Things You Didn't (Or Did) Know About Me

Just for some conversation and fun, here's 25 things you may or may not know about me. :)

1. After my first contest prep, I have not eaten a single piece of tilapia. And since my second contest prep, I have only eaten broccoli a handful of times.
2. My gag reflex is really strong.
3. I eat approximately 4 cucumbers a day - Love them! (In the past, this has been known to go up to 6 a day - btw, these are FULL of water as well as chondroitin which helps rebuild your joints!)
4. I have 4 sisters and adore all of them.

Jessica, Stephanie, myself, My mother Jan, Kasey, and Kari. Love. 

5. I wish all the time that I could see my sisters and their children more. They'll never know how often my thoughts go to them.
6. My first and third cars were Honda Civics. I now drive a Toyota 4Runner and will NEVER go back. I'm practically in love with that car.
7. I dream every single night, and usually remember my dreams. I get some of my best ideas through my dreams.
8. I think of new business possibilities for myself daily... But one day, (big dream) I'd like to own a coffee shop/bakery that sells high protein baked goods... and place it right by a bunch of gyms. :) I'd even do specialty protein shakes (because I make GOOD ones). I'd do protein coffees... I'd do vitamix shakes... Oh man...
9. I've tried to learn to knit at least 5 times, and usually re-start in the fall. One day I will get it!
10. It's likely that I could quote any miscellaneous line from Anchorman.
11. I HATE being on bad terms with anyone and will go out of my way to fix immediately.
12. Can't stand the smell of juniper or Gin - Otherwise known as Cat Piss. And I think my cat's pee actually smells better...
13. I have a thing for black cats. I'm not superstitious, more like I embrace the superstition.

14. I actually really just love animals. And frequently weep over our beautiful dane, Molly, that we lost last year.
15. I used to hope I'd turn out differently than my mother (because I'm the spitting image of her), but now I constantly wish I turn out more like her - especially with her patient nature.
16. I cannot find a workout buddy for the life of me! I can't even get my husband to lift with me... I've offered to be a workout buddy for lots of people, but it seems that in the PNW the fit people are loaners. One day I'll find a workout girlfriend so I can have any PR's.
17. I can't wear necklaces. I always want to, and will gawk over them at stores... but in reality, they bug my neck skin and I always take them off. The same with bracelets if I'm at work, they'll stay on if I'm at a social event. But never necklaces.
18. Lol sometimes I beat myself up for not being more girly. #17 case in point.
19. My favorite flower is peonies and wish I could plant them everywhere.
20. I cry a lot. I will spend whole yoga sessions crying and find myself spiritually struggling through a class. I always come out better. I swear, its better than therapy.
21. My dogs each weigh more than I do.
22. I can't stand people that yell at others. No one deserves to be depreciated.
23. My desk at work is ALWAYS tidy. I will lose things otherwise.
24. I have dreams about being able to squat 400 lbs. (Subconscious goal?)
25. The only diamonds I have ever received are from my husband when he proposed, to which I still beam over. I never thought I'd be worth diamonds to anyone. (You can catch me staring at it at any given moment of the day. It still makes me feel the exact same way as the day he put it on my finger.)

What's something about YOU that I don't know?? Would YOU workout with me?  (don't answer that. Most of you would kill me. lol)