Sunday, June 16, 2013

The Struggle to Be More

I have been close yet distant, and vague yet detailed about my life. It’s so easy to show the best sides of one’s life, but not quite as easy to show the other sides. I think that I always feel that “everyone else is struggling, why would anyone want to listen to my struggle or hear me complain?” But I find myself in a more problematic predicament, that there is no way around. There is no way to change it, or sit around and hope that one day my schedule clears up so I can have my workout or blog time back.

Have you heard of the Facebook Depression? I was reading that its basically when you get depressed because you see all of the highlights of someone else’s life on their Facebook. Ha! Its true. I can’t tell you how many Stay at Home Mom’s Facebooks I stalk and Sigh at. Or see cute pictures of friends having a wonderful time with their cute kids, on the daily.

So, I’m just here to reiterate that my life isn’t always swell, and in fact, I struggle, I work and I know that most of you know where I’m at: Overstressed and injured with no time. And thus comes the struggle to be more.

We Support Each Other’s Dreams
There was a period of time where I could focus on my dreams completely, and then there was a period of time where I even had help achieving my dream. But right now, I’m in a period in life, where my husband needs my talents in order to achieve his dreams which is provide for our family and make us to be more than we currently are… but the journey is a lot longer than contest prep. It cannot be condensed into 12, 16 or even 20 weeks. In fact, this is now my life indefinitely.

When last year I anticipated that I would be busy, I did not stop to even consider the long term. I now work a 50 hour work week at my hospital job, and if I’m lucky, I only spend an extra 20 hours doing Administrative support for Bang’s Lawn Care. And I don’t earn a dime for this. And sometimes he needs help with jobs, which I also don’t get a cent for.

What I’m earning is a new life, a better life than what we have now. Supporting my husband’s dream has been even more challenging than trying for my own. This has meant endless meetings in order to learn accounting, learning all about owning a business, having employees and getting into radio advertising. I have become increasingly interested in Branding and Marketing, all to make this dream come true. Not to mention, just being a normal person and making time for anyone in my life is a huge struggle. One in which almost no one understands, and I get flack about it almost weekly – And I respond kindly, without excuses, even though that is not my first reaction.

But I’m Not Done!
And yet, when you spend all your time simply trying to make a living and support someone else’s dream… It’s not like yours goes anywhere. It’s still there. Inside my heart.Waiting for the time.

So this is the struggle. My heart feels the need to work toward my goals, even though I have almost no time to do so and have body limitations that are beyond my training knowledge. It’s depressing to look at workout plans and practically dissect them to weed out all of the exercises that are contraindicated for my conditions. Can’t squat. Can’t deadlift. Can’t machine hack squat. Can’t do some plyos. Can’t lunge. Can’t do any direct glute or hip work.

And don’t get me started on how long this has been. This has, by far, been the longest recovery period of my life. 6 months of hip healing, that has been incredibly painful both physically and mentally. I often feel lost.

In my lostness, there is a righteous anger. I’m fed up with hurting. Being in constant pain, makes me angry enough to work harder than I have in the past. I’m trying to work smarter and be in control of my plans… My plans that will be enacted the moment I have free time.

Upward and Onward

I’ve decided to no longer hide my struggles or hide my life. This blog IS about hard work isn’t it?? I'm weeding out the negatives in my life, and have decided to no longer spend my time "holding on". Because that is what it has seemed like. Holding on until the next moment where I can breathe and do what I want. But just like worry, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. And I definitely don't!

This now has to be what I want. In order for our business to become all that it can, and in order for me to achieve my own dreams, I have to want everything I have to do within each and every single day. I want to work. I want to do invoicing. And I NEED my workout time. I don't have time, I make time.

The Struggle to Be More
The interesting thing about life, is sometimes it requires you to become a better person. I never realized how incredibly selfish I was until my personal time was challenged, along with my patience, ego, commitment, and honor as a wife.

I'm struggling to be more of everything. Everything that life is requiring of me right now. Its almost like prep, you trust the plan that it will yield results. I rely solely on the hope that if I work hard and struggle long enough to be more... I will just be more.

Where do you struggle to be more than you are? How do you make yourself happy when committing your time to others??


  1. I do read your blog, by the way.

    I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now. Just remember you can't be everything for everyone all the time, not even yourself. Focus on the little things that you are able to do.

    I think in general, I do feel happy when I am doing good things for other people and when I am committing my time to others. It sounds to me like you are just overly busy and frustrated over goals that are important to you. Take a deep breath and trust in God's timetable. It doesn't always look like the one we want to have.

  2. I hear you and I understand where you are. It doesn't seem fair to have to work around life, much less injuries. Always remember you have two types of people on fb for the most part; those who put all their bizness out there and those who paint the beautiful picture. I too am having to learn to work through life and injuries. I hope to be seeing a light at the end of the tunel soon, but if not, well, I will keep pushing. That is what we do!
    Take care,

  3. Everyone has struggles so don't feel like you can't share your's! Let us support you!

    It takes a strong woman (wife) to support (and at time carry) her husband while he pursues his dreams. You are a strong woman & you can (and will) do this!


  4. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. I have a similar story. I did a bikini competition in Nov 2011 and shortly after I went into a depression. My life went back to "normal". I was back to post comp eating and workouts. I continued to struggle about doing another competition. As I continued on I injured my back. My L5S1 are fused together and I had a herniated disk. It has been about a year since my injury and I am finally coming around. I was angry all the time. I would see people on face book then feel sorry for myself. I would get down because I couldn't do any of my workouts. Squats, Plyos etc... It is a slow process but it does get better. I try to be positive. I am still in good shape but instead of thinikng I want to be in the best shape of my life and struggle with getting there injuries etc... I decided I just want to be happy, and healthy. That means trying to spend more time with my family and less time stressing about workouts, food etc... I also try to eat clean most of the time but will not beat myself up over a slice of pizza. I know it's hard but you just need to find the balance.