The Big Surprise..

And so now I have Walking Pneumonia. Again, this is difficult to write. I have been an action taker... and it would be easy for me to continue... Which is probably why I have walking pneumonia. In fact, I was sworn not to do anything around my house today (SO HARD).

I thought this was just the flu because I was getting sick my stomach. Turns out that was probably due more to getting dizzy and short of breath at the same time. Probably easy to see by others, but I've also been feelings slightly confused due to the dizziness. I started coughing up brown stuff and knew it was time for the doctor. I have the rest of the week off from work.

I find myself in turmoil about competing. On one hand, I have trained so hard for this. 10 months and all of my hopes and dreams.

But on the other hand, shouldn't I be happy with what I've accomplished to this point? Do I need to step on stage to be satisfied? Or can I be satisfied with getting to this point? There are always other competitions... but is that a good enough back up?

I really just want to feel better. And at 5 days out, I was too sick to be up and down off the couch to keep up with 2 gallons a day. I was getting really out of breath sitting up, and walking around made me dizzy. Sad thing is some part of me was really trying, so I was taking in a lot of sodium... but like I said, just hadn't been able to keep up on the water. And my body feels excessively bloated. To the point where I feel like I am nowhere near ready to stepping on stage.

I was the couch, trying to assess myself, this journey, my dreams and current needs. I watched Legally Blonde; something about Elle Woods' confident and remarkably self assured attitude was exactly what I needed in my life.

{ "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands. They just don't!" }

Elle is so wise. That actually makes me itch for working out. I haven't had one of those since Thursday! Wherever I am at and whatever I do in the next week, by the time I am able to workout, I will be craving it... And that I can feel good about.

And then it happened, I got news that a package I had been waiting for was indeed waiting for me at my mom's house (UPS won't deliver to the house, we have large freely roaming dogs. LOL!).

And what do you know. It was my big surprise. My BIKINI suit came in the mail. :) Although, I began this journey training for figure... the more I leaned out the better I felt suited for the Bikini Division, and I felt like my heavy figure training helped me gain the athletic physique Bikini seems to be looking for, but tend to have fat in some of the right places :) . It is what I like better on my body. But let me TELL you! Learning to pose has been one big challenge!

But putting on my coral pink bikini, gave me back my purpose and direction. I could be happy with not stepping on stage, but I wouldn't be proud. I can hold out for 4 more days. I might be bloated, but I genuinely feel that whatever I step on stage with on Saturday will be my best given my crazy situation. And for that I can be proud. And in the future, I can only expect to be better.

I had considered entering both divisions, and it was something I wanted to do... But I just honestly couldn't afford both entry fees. I was having difficulty paying for food so doing both entry's was out of the question at $75 each.

So there it is! LOL! That's the surprise! I was actually feeling slightly insecure about the decision at first, so I just wanted to keep it to myself until I felt most confident in my decision. Which I knew would be right before. And I could feel a lot of insecurity right now considering that I can be a very OCD person, and Peak Week isn't going at all how I wanted or imagined it going. But I am deciding to let this teach me a lesson:

~{ No matter if it is or isn't what I thought it would be or wanted it to be, whatever I bring to the stage right now, is perfect. It won't be perfect for future competitions, but it is perfect for me right now. It is my very best. }~

Movie line up for the week: The Patriot, Braveheart, and The Blind Side. Looking to have courage in my conviction! Just 4 short days! :)