Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The No-Comp Blues?

I got flowers for being bummed, sick, and loved. (Yep, even my dogs get fed well on fish & sweet potato.)
I'm bummed. I really am. I was trying really hard not to be. But I feel that I am faced with an internal conflict. I am torn with how I feel about myself right now. I'm feeling like I can talk the talk but not walk the walk, so to speak. Am I that kind of person? Does gaining back a couple of pounds within the first couple of days make me that person? And OF COURSE we all know that just isn't true... But these are the kinds of feelings I am being faced with.

Saturday I woke up at 5:35 A.M. and knew instantly that is what time I would have been getting up if I had competed. I made my breakfast of just oatmeal and egg whites knowing that I would have been eating pancakes and having coffee right when my sister would have got there to do my makeup. And I went to the show.

The show is at a casino that is close to 10 minutes from our house. All the women up there were amazing. It was incredible to see my girlfriend Ashley from Getting To Goal up there, she smiled bigger than anyone on stage and she deserved to! She worked her ass off to be up there!
It was also awesome to see Carrie (who I know from Twitter @girlandcoconut) win Master's Overall! She was the best poser of all of them! And she worked her BOOTY off on that stage and deserved that trophy
And even watch my own trainers compete! Check out Kris & Jacques' photos! They were awesome!
But I also was very bummed. Figure Class A had 0 women enter!!! I would have won my class. I can't believe that. And I truly believe I would have given Bikini Class A a run for their money.

So do I feel these things about myself? Or do I feel that I am building perseverance? That now is the time not to indulge, but the time to be smart: Taper off cardio, keep up on water, slowly add carbs back in, build, and plan for my next contest. Because indulging really only makes depression worse.

But isn't it easier to eat your feelings? 
My first post-prep treat: A mocha & a maple scone (on my fun halloween plates!)

Sunday treat: French Pressed coffee with homemade chocolate hazelnut scones...
I kind of have a thing for scones lately...

And APPARENTLY, everyone knew I would eat my feelings because EVERYONE seems to have ESP today and have written about their diet getting off-track. Erin at Figure Journal wrote about her own struggles with excuses, Chelsea at Git It Girl even wrote about diet pitfalls written by someone else (Christian Thibaudeau... His diet articles are incredible!)! And T-Nation included an article in their Weekly Email entitled "Choices." Ouch. ;)

Yes. It is easier to eat my feelings. Its much easier to give in. It is much easier to put junk in your tummy, instead of giving it food it needs. Sugar, dairy, and wheat... All the things I haven't had in weeks, I can now *technically* have... but do I want them...?

My first day back to work yesterday, my co-worker asks me, "SO, how does it feel to eat normal again?"

My answer, again, felt conflicted. Because SURE, "normal" foods taste good. But they sure made me feel like crap. And if you have ever tried going a certain amount of time without dairy, any sort of fat (oil, butter, etc), wheat, gluten at all, and refined sugar you would know that the second your body gets used to living life without those things... You never feel the same eating them again. But also, there is a certain amount of emotional conflict eating "normal" foods. Because all of a sudden, you realize that those foods do NOT do anything good for your body... But somehow you still have an emotional attachment to that food.

Example: I LOVE my mother's chocolate chip cookies. They do have tons of sugar, bleached flour, butter and shortening (btw, why doesn't ANYONE call this what it is anymore...? LARD. That is what they called it before they realized it makes you look like lard, so they changed the name to make everyone feel better. Or at least that is my assumption. LOL! Back to my story...). I link a memory to those cookies of Christmases and holidays and sick days. Truly the epitome of comfort food. And now? They taste like sugar, bleached flour, butter and lard. They don't even comfort like they used to. And it is really easy to get stuck putting more in your mouth to achieve the same comforts. But they never will anymore.

Comforts don't comfort like they used to. The feelings of pride in knowing I'm giving my body what it needs comfort now. And I can be satisfied with that. Especially when I cannot do cardio like I could before (before pneumonia, its still hard now..). Not being able to do as much cardio makes diet, and taking pride in my diet,
all that much more important.
So, after my HUGE long rambling about this... Do I still feel like I can't walk the walk?

Not remotely. Because at this point in my "prep" for the stage, the choices are mine. I am NOT being forced into cardio, or weights, or diet. The choice is mine to get to cardio in the morning now. Do I want my goals? Or do I want to sleep in? Do I want to recover on my diet so I can make my contest prep easier next time around? Or do I want to slip back into old nutritional habits... Just because it was a habit?

I make the choices for me ... And I want to step on stage in April knowing I look better than I would have this October. :)


  1. This was fabulous.
    I have been lurking and reading and am truly sorry that you got sick and couldn't make your competition. =\
    You are truly a wonderful and inspirational person. I have no doubt that you'll make it up there and shine like no one's business!


  2. Figure Class A may not have had any competitors but I have a feeling that you wouldn't want a victory just because you were the only person who showed up....am I right?

    I love that you know that it's all about choices...and balance!

    Hope that you're feeling better every day!


  3. You sound like you are going through the same exact things that I did right after my contest. It is tough and the battle seems like it goes on forever. Do know that it is TOTALLY normal to gain back a few lbs by just having a few cheats and this should not make you feel bad. Just be careful because your metabolism is not the greatest and you should taper off your diet and cardio slowly (like you already pointed out). I'm learning the hard way!

  4. I hear ya about "normal" foods making us feel icky. I feel so much better when I eat clean, even though cookies are still a temptation.

    What you're going through is what often makes off-season more difficult to deal with than prep. It's ok to eat a non-clean foods & to gain a few pounds. Those pounds are usually just water weight & are the first time come off again.

    Hang in there and keep your goals in the front of your mind. If you need any motivation, please let us know!

  5. You are awesome. So proud of you. I agree with T - winning against no one isn't a glorious win. What is a glorious win is you going to the show and choosing your health over everything else. So proud of you.

    Like Kari said, we are here for you, so just holler.

  6. I love this. I love how you pour out your feelings and aren't afraid to admit what's going on with you. everything you are going through is exactly post comp blues. So true too. I love the comfort foods, but hate how they make me feel. I have found that balance to enjoy a treat or two and not go crazy, thank goodness. Took me awhile, but I found it. I cannot wait to see you hit that stage in April! Love ya girl!

  7. Just wanted to say awesome blog... you really are truly inspirational. I linked to you on my blog (latsandlulus.blogspot.com) so I can follow up and not lose this address (LOL...I'm terrible). Hope you don't mind, and look forward to hearing more from you - both wins and struggles!! *hugs* Chelsea