Monday, June 11, 2012

Life Beyond Contest

I realize I've been gone a while, and I'm sorry. :( It has really taken me quite a while to even get to a point of where I could verbalize my feelings.

To Start...

So, I took three weeks off from the gym. Yeah... On purpose. It was really to take time where I felt like I didn't have it. To get my house to where I needed it to be, run errands, do our new business acounting (I've been 2 months behind), everything else business related, etc. Catch up. Although I had only planned on one week, life demanded another week… And then I lost control.

Week One:

By Tuesday, I hated not being at the gym.

By Wednesday, the weight coming on was noticeable by how my body felt.

By Thursday, my back hurt badly from not exercising.

By Friday, the weight coming on was noticeable to everyone (or at least, it felt like it..)

Although I don't have post-comp blues, I certainly had a post-comp binge. Or two. And god bless my fiance for saying "Oh you can get that off easy." Yeah. Except it wasn't easy getting it off in the first place. And honestly, I'm really effing tired of dieting. I don't want to diet.

Now, that doesn't give me permission to just put food in my mouth all day long (like I will...). It also doesn't give me permission to eat a cinnamon roll every day (yeah, that happened... But... Can I just share first of all, that I am NOT a cinnamon roll person. I am not the woman who a Cinnabon has EVER sounded good to. Second, did I mention that these were made from BISCUIT dough?! Don't judge me, I'm a foodie.).

Weeks Two & Three:

At the beginning of week one, our sweet, sweet dog Molly was getting pretty sick… She was eating less, drinking less… She had been limping previously, which we attributed it to Zeke (our 180lb male great dane) playing with her too hard, so we left her inside a few days to keep her activity down a bit. At the time, she would spend whole days inside and not touch her food. We attributed it to her lack of activity. It seemed that all the weight she was losing, I was finding.

I made my way to Seattle for Memorial Day weekend specifically to spend time with my family… One of my big sisters had the lead female part in Oliver!, and we had a small family party for my Grandma's 80th birthday. All the while, Patrick stayed home to work & take care of our animal babies. And if you're just tuning in to this blog, my dogs & kitty are like my kids.

When Patrick and I spoke over the weekend I was gone, I knew the Molly situation was getting serious by his tone of voice. Now, Molly has always been HIS baby and he always seemed to be over-worried about her… So when *this* tone of voice came in, it had me worried. I took the overnight bus (yeah, we're small business owners and barely making it..) from Seattle to Spokane and unfortunately it was too late.

Our sweet Molly was laid to rest a few hours after I got home. I am so thankful I was able to make it home in time to tell her how much I love her. Molly was only 2 1/2 years old. :( And watching her suffer, spending ALL of our money to take care of her, putting her down, losing her, burying her... absolutely crippled me.

I know most people think the relationship to an animal is different than what we have with people, but not this one. And not for me. This was an incredibly deep loss for me. Me & Patrick and our animals… We are a family.

In the last few weeks, I haven't had any positives to my life of note. Until we received our engagement photos back, and realized we had the most beautiful treasure. Many photos of our little family, including a very happy & healthy Molly.
Sweet baby. Now we have all of these lovely memories with her.

How HUGE does Agent Humongo (Zeke) look in this?!

Happy little family :)

In looking back, what did I get at the end of my weeks off from the gym? 10 extra pounds (up 18 lbs from stage weight… ugh, admitting this is hard!), a sore back, and eyes that are tired from crying. Not staying true to what you want for yourself, is simply humiliating. And yet, like I said. I'm really effing tired of dieting. My mind has needed a break, and so did my body. And I guess, that's exactly what it got.

What I learned during this time, is that I overeat and crave bad foods ONLY when I feel insecure or out of control. I eat well and healthy when I feel in control. While I am not in a depressed state over having gained weight, I am in a bit in the midst of an internal war…. And this goes back to dieting, while I'm irritated with the extra weight, I'm also irritated with having to diet. So I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna deal with having the extra weight for a little while, workout and not diet yet. Although, I think we all know I'll probably change my mind as my wedding date gets closer. :)

The next few weeks will be dedicated to growing our business (Have I mentioned how difficult it is being in business for yourself??) and finding my own version of staying healthy. And for this period of time, my version of staying healthy is going to mean workouts only and not judging MYSELF for not being perfect. And sometimes I think we have to allow grace for ourselves to not be perfect.

I'll keep you updated on my progress & wedding stuff next time! :) I've missed you guys!


  1. I am sorry about your doggy :{
    Stay strong girly! You are still an inspiration... 18 pounds and all :}

  2. I am so sorry for your loss, even as I type that I know it sounds shallow and like I don't truly know your pain. I do, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. Time is the only healer. Each passing day will make it a little less. Your pictures really are priceless and absolutely adorable.

  3. My heart goes out to you. We lost our little dog in January, and it's such a hard thing to deal with! I'm so glad you got such beautiful pictures of your family when Molly was happy and healthy; treasure those.

    As far as post-contest ... stop beating yourself up. Cut yourself some slack and just focus on your business and on making healthy food choices. Being depressed doesn't need to equal donuts; it can also equal a chicken wrap or a salad. ;) Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!

  4. I'm so sorry about your dog, the pain from losing a loved one like that is so hard.

    I can totally relate to this post...And as i read it, I felt like it was me that had written it.
    But you seem to have such a positive attitude and I give you props for that.
    Enjoy life and give yourself a break... your body and mind will thank you.


  5. Oh honey I know what it's like to lose a dog and it is NOT easy. Not at all. I (we) cried for weeks. Never thought it would get better or easier. They're always in your heart. Read rainbow bridge. =)

    Anyway, This is why I don't want to compete again. These emotions, the eating, the dieting. I was sick of it too. And I so know what you mean about cinnabon, I'm exactly the same!! I bet once you start working out again, you'll feel better, the weight will come down, and you'll want to eat better. That's how it is for me. Right now, enjoy life. Enjoy what you have. Have a beer if you want to. Enjoy the wedding planning and Patrick and of course Zeke. Screw the scale and the weight gain, it'll come off, you don't have to "diet."

    Love you. Email me if you need anything!

  6. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog :( You know me..I'm not a softie...but when my family had to put down our dog that we had since I was 15, I cried my eyes out. She was a member of our family, animal or not, so I can relate.

    Learning your version of healthy post-competition is an interesting, tough journey but you're a beast - you can handle it :)


  7. I have tears in my eyes after reading your blogpost. I can completely relate to how difficult a situation that is... Ironically, a very similar thing happened to me right after my first figure show... I lost my beloved Ruby just months later and I totally know the feelings of frustration once you see your body "change". Hang in there... you are a strong woman, I can tell from your blogposts.

  8. Oh my friend!!! I am so sorry to hear about your doggie. I want to bawl for you. I know how stressful running your own business can be at times, then to add all of this on. Wow. :(

    Here's what I do know. You are amazing, strong, fabulous, and so capable. You are going to make it and come out stronger, better, and even more amazing; but for now you are allowed to be sad. Very sad.

    Email me if you want to chat.

    Much love!!