Quick List of Reasons to be Alive: November 28th, 2012.

I am really grumpy today. I'm trying to blame it on the full moon but I know what it really is... My body hurts.

I hate to sound like a complainer - and I HATE to be the constant complainer. But sometimes, you genuinely do hurt and things go wrong. Living in my body has been extremely tiring lately. I'm in pain from the moment I get up in the morning, feel the pain radiating in my legs, hips, & back all day long, and until I lay down at night. It gets more exhausting and I feel more hopeless as the days progress.

Since I hate complainers, and am trying to push this practice away from myself, I'm resurrecting my Quick List of Reasons to be Alive. And I don't mean that the alternative is not being alive & breathing... We're talking ALIVE as in thriving, happy and alert. The purpose is to retrain your mind to focus on the positive.

Try it yourself whenever you're feeling anything but happy, it really helps!

Without further adieu ---

Quick List of Reasons to be ALIVE: November 28th, 2012.
1. Because I am NOT a quitter and I am not weak.
2. Because the moment I conquer the pain will be sweet!
3. I have dreams and can't deny them the attempt to see reality!
4. I have a husband and family that need me to continue pushing.
5. Because I hate this pain and will do anything to kill it.

Hope you all are having a wonderful Wednesday! Push hard, keep smiling, and know that you are loved!

Suits For Sale!

Hey ladies! 

I'm selling a couple of suits - Always looking ahead into what I want to do with my look this year! ;)

Both are Suits For You pieces, with padded rounded B-Cup that would fit an A-C cup. Scrunch Back Bottoms fit a 0-2 jean, made for a 25 inch waist/around 32" hips.
Coral Lycra Suit - with Thin Silver Connectors, never worn on stage, paid $120 for it - will take $50 OBO.
The Burgundy suit -  Burgundy Mist Hologram fabric w/large silver connectors and Custom Crystal Galaxy detail. Was only worn once and was cleaned immediately after stage use. I paid $380 for the suit, will take $200 OBO.

Email me if interested! - AndAwaySheGoes@Yahoo.com - Never too early to think about a new suit for the upcoming season! :)

Down But Not Out (& Wedding Photos!)

Seems like this happens to me about once a year, where my body likes to remind me that I am not all powerful and to be humble. The onset of cold weather often makes my SI, hamstrings, and back tighten up which brings some immense pain. So, while I'm flat on my back... I'm planning some workouts, finishing a competition schedule for the spring, and put together a slideshow finally!

Enjoy!

Digging Deep

When one rarely posts anymore, one also has no clue how to start this thing! As you may or may not have noticed, I've barely been on here.. Blogging is a luxury I simply haven't had time for. With juggling such a crazy schedule, I feel bad for taking that time to sit and write. :( And blogger has been blocked at work (where I used to do my blogging... whuuups). Its so sad to me how busy I am, but there is no end to that in sight. Working approximately a 60 hour work week at the hospital, and another 5-10 to Bang's Lawn Care.

I found myself crying in a bath the other night just from feeling so weary and bummed that I barely see my new husband, and something in me made my heart realize that we work so hard to create a better future. The lessons I learned in prep, have also become useful in life lately.

Such a hard lesson to learn, but happiness is the best choice. Whatever situation you're in, choosing to go with the flow and still be happy with your life will make it seem so much more beautiful and fulfilling. 

Mrs. Bang.
Being Mrs. Bang is the shit though! So much fun to be had calling myself and being called Mrs. Bang... BWAHAHAHA! I don't even need a back up stripper name! LOL! ;) Teasing, teasing... I don't get the chance to say things like that working at a Catholic hospital.

My dear friend Madeleine married us, and we got married in front of this mantle that is now in our house!

hehe! Our guests rated our first kiss!

And! My husband is THE best. We are going through a transition with Bang's Lawn Care, into the end of the season so he is looking for Winter alternatives. Even with how busy I am, he takes the time to come have breakfast with me some days and has picked up the slack in chores. And nesting into our home has been so much fun.

Not sure who is interested in a Wedding post... If I get enough requests I'll put up some slide shows. ;)

OOH! You haven't met Anderson!

Such a cutie!

SUPER big puppy

Just a big baby, like all Danes :)

We got this pup a few weeks ago to keep Zeke company during the long days while we're both away. And they're pretty good buddies so far! :)

He is SO dang cute! He has the happiest, sunny personality... He wags his tail with his whole body, his paws are so big and heavy that he's really cute & clumsy, and he gives kisses like no body's business!

He's about 4 months old and I think a little over 50 lbs now. Might be a BIG boy! 

Like I always say, we have a little habit of getting in over our heads really quickly... Haha!

Digging Deep.
Now, while I am insanely busy... I am digging deep for my goals. Although I gained a little more fat than I wanted in my off-season, I have successfully added a couple pounds of muscle and I'm pretty sure its mostly in my legs & abs... Only time will tell as I am dropping fat. But my lil booty is tightening up in a big way! And I really just want to impress myself in the improvements I've made from last prep.

So, I'm thinking prep is going to start at the beginning of the year. I've got a few shows in mind but dates aren't tied down on all of them yet, and I want to be sure I'm ready! And knowing that I have a bit more fat to lose, I'm in the middle of a few weeks stint of "prep". Tightening up the diet and still pulling out 2-a-days.

It stinks! It means I get up at 4am and don't get home until after 6pm. But everyday I wake up and remind myself that I am working so hard to make a better future. I don't want to be in the same place I am right now in 5 years.

So I bust ass, try to juggle it all, try not to disappoint those I love, while not getting down on myself when I do... And sometimes... That's all you can do!

And I know you are all digging deep every day! What shows are you all planning on this year?? If you're not competing, what are your goals??

Hello Again, Hello

Not gonna lie, my mother has really rubbed Neil Diamond off onto my heart lately. Anyway, HIEEEE! I can't believe how long its been since I've blogged! In my (clearly delusional) head, I thought it had probably been about a month since I've blogged, and it has actually been TWO! Oh my, so much to catch up on!

Headless Chickens.
Figuratively. I'm going crazy up in over here! Where have I been? I've been everywhere, man. I don't even know where to start!

So, I have... OMG 16 days until I wed the love of my life.  I'm beyond thrilled, and haven't EVEN been stressed out about planning this shindig. 

But first!
Ah life. Its fun, isn't it? I am still working overtime at my hospital job. And our department is completely undergoing a whole restructurization... And the unexpected wonderful part about it... The employees have complete control.  I absolutely love working for an organization (although I don't always love the job itself) that will let their workers create what works! Because who knows better than the professionals that have their hand in it every day, versus management who only looks at it.

And also still working overtime at my un-paid, working-for-my-future job of Bang's Lawn Care. Over time, I have been able to create somewhat of a schedule for myself and develop processes that make it more efficient. Its been kind of crazy to create these things out of thin air and make it work! I've been able to get my work with BLC down to one day a week, which is always a weekend day to get all of these things done. And I've never done books/invoicing/scheduling/customer communications for a business before, so this is pulling from a very different place in my heart to do all of this. 

All of this to say, my weeks are JAM PACKED. Between PSHMC & BLC, am working about a 50-60 hour week, trying to plan a wedding, working out, meal prepping, and dealing with a naughty dog lately. Pure craziness.

The Dane.
Since you probably caught the naughty dog bit, yeah Zeke. This guy really needs a buddy. :( It makes me sad to think that he had a friend from the moment we brought him home, until Molly went to puppy heaven in May he has been all alone.  He's been acting out here and there.  I love the benefits to having one dog (especially when they're more like livestock), but poor Zekey is so lonely. We may be looking to stud him soon and get a pup. That boy is so handsome, he NEEDS to have puppies. :)

Wanna hear what he did on Monday night?  I woke up Tuesday morning to: A box of kleenex completely shredded apart, a lamp knocked almost into the toilet, AND....

He ate a whole batch. ONE DOZEN. vanilla, gluten-free cupcakes off the counter (which were covered!)  wrappers and all. Cripes. Pretty thankful they weren't chocolate. I really need to get a camera and get this shit documented. Can you imagine what that would have looked like?! NOM NOM NOM!! HAHAHAHA!

Ma-wage.
I'm sure some of you know, but I was married before. This blog actually blossomed out of finding myself after my 10 month marriage ended (my ex wasn't ready to be faithful/married to someone), and I'm SO glad I have had the opportunity to find the right person for me. The beautiful thing?  This experience in being engaged has been completely different, not stressful, completely loving and understanding and FUN...
It has made being engaged... seem like the first time. :)

I love everything that is coming together right now. Like I mentioned last time, we chose to go with a very "country chic" wedding. I love the shabby chic feel to things, and reusing old materials. Nothing matches, and I don't even have colors! LOL! Pinks, browns, creme, champagne, copper, bronze... Its going to be lovely.

With all of the "country chic" thing going on, we have had a TON of projects with this. We made ALL of our reception tables together, made lanterns, made our guestbook, made our party favors, made fun games for our guests, made signs, etc... But mostly, we have done them together. :) Awwww, sigh, swoon! Haha!

Hey BLOGGER, not sure if you knew or not but this STILL doesn't work!
Btw, these are our favors... Send us off with a BANG! HAHA!

Signs directing to our Wedding.

Homemade bouts!

I can't wait to show you all pictures! And it will be here soon enough!! :)

Wedd Shred.
Yeah, so I've been back into the full swing of workouts. Sometimes I try to make it to morning cardio, but never beat myself up if I don't. And really, shouldn't even try until after the wedding. This bride needs SLEEP! It took me quite a while to get to this place, mentally and emotionally.

Prep was a serious mind-fuck. Excuse my language, but it is! Finishing prep was a mental battle I wasn't prepared to deal with. I thought I was, but I wasn't. It took me a long time to where I was ready to say no to things again, feel good about moderation, look forward to my planned workouts again! My weight has been steady, and I'm fine with where I'm at right now. Regardless of goals, sometimes one just needs to rest in the love of working out.

And so speaking of goals, the one thing that brought me back to this place... Was finally watching my competition video. It took a couple of months post-comp to get it, but then I had it for months... And didn't watch it. I kept saying that I wasn't ready, didn't want to feel critical of myself on stage... Mostly I was just insecure...

And then I watched it.    And my mind was blown.   The person that I knew I was at that moment, came out and projected perfectly on stage and on camera. I was actually impressed with myself! I'll admit, that I had some feelings regarding my placing after watching it... However, it definitely brought a renewed zeal into my workouts. It isn't that I want to lose all of this weight I have gained, but more that I am perfectly capable of being whatever I want. And loving who I am as an athlete, and challenging myself because I like to... regardless of my weight or fat content. Or running because I enjoy the challenge, regardless of what it might do to my muscle mass. :)

Although I don't have an exact schedule down yet, I will tell you that I have a string of competitions planned for next year. Spring actually! It may only be September, but Christmas will be here before I know it and it will be time to prep again. Its actually hard NOT to prep right now, watching so many competitors get ready for a local competition occurring the same night as our wedding and watching pros on their journeys to the Olympia. 

Speaking of the Olympia, we may (or may not) be going! The Olympia takes place the week of our honeymoon and we may be popping through to watch a couple of nights of competitions and perhaps hit up the Expo! We'll see... Still trying to talk P into it. ;)

Can't promise I'll be able to blog again before the wedding... All of the big stuff is coming now! Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and the wedding itself!

Some Blues & Some Bliss

Oh there you are, Blues. I wasn't sure we'd ever meet.

In retrospect, I should have known it would happen eventually. Its just nature. Cause and effect. Chew and swallow. Blues goes with competing.

After finally coming to a point to where I could talk about Molly again without bawling my eyes out, I finally became not-depressed enough to admit to myself that I was ready to change my body again. Work hard again, work for something. But what?!

Patrick suggested that I focus on the wedding and fitting into my dress. Now, even though I have gained weight, I haven't gone up any sizes.... So, although that's a good suggestion... It really isn't applicable. I have no worries about fitting into a dress. Plus, even if my goal was to shape up for the wedding... I wouldn't even know where to go from there! Is my goal to lose 5 lbs? 10 lbs? NO IDEA

Here's the thing about weight loss and sorry if I offend anyone (not)...

You have to actually want it. 

"Gasp! What's this you say? I have to actually desire eating fish and vegetables and eggs? I could never do such a thing!" or "I just can't handle SO much chicken and brussel sprouts.

Since I experienced the euphoria of competition, I have received many a email asking for weight loss advice. Asking how they could improve on what they are doing. Or more commonly, how do they do it... at all?!

I'm the first one to admit, that I have food addictions. Just like anyone else, I have my own vices. And we do all have them. I think some have it worse than others, but almost EVERYONE I know has something... They just can't resist cheesecake when they see it. Or the cinnamon rolls call to them in the morning (guilty). Most everyone has the confidence at some point to say no to those things. Adversely, most everyone experiences the loss of control to their feelings.

I think in fantasy land, women do exist that hold no food-related vices. I mean, I'm sure they do but if I met someone that claimed they genuinely did not, I would be a gigantic skeptic lol. Anyway, I'll give that there are medical conditions that result in weight gain. But don't tell me that most of the overweight population did not give into whatever they desire at any time.

When it comes to losing weight, it has to become about the simple fact that you want to lose weight. You just have to be willing to do what it takes. Whether you decide to go about it in an unhealthy or healthy way is your decision, but I'm about doing it the healthy way.

Not that I have really been eating very healthy. Haha... Oh... Yeah. Like I said, my first few weeks off... There were cinnamon rolls. And there was ice cream. Alright! I'm a fat girl at heart. But just imagine for being on a diet for two and a half YEARS. Sure, I had a week or two off here & there... but essentially, I was concerned, monitoring, evaluating my eating habits, keeping track of my diet cheats, and monitoring my cravings for 28 MONTHS. I needed a break, people. And I craved cheese, and capers, and lemon creme sauce, and tart cheesecake, and tastes that I had long forgotten.

By the end of my tryst with all the foods that had obviously still been somewhere in my heart, I remember why I had forsaken them. My body hurts. My stomach hurts, it pulls down on my muscles, I feel heavy when I workout, my muscles cramp often, and my back hurts again.

And then there was my goal. Working out simply to feel good again, what a beautiful thing.

That was a nice 5 minute chat, Blues. Thanks. :)

Here's some more engagement pics... For fun...

So this last week has been really fun. Also stressful at my job and my life job, but all around fun. Working on projects at home, mucho gardening, taking Zeke for runs, and doing wedding stuff... But have finally found that when I'm working out, I eat better naturally. Soooo nice to be back to THAT again!

I would be lying if I said that resisting sugar isn't hard sometimes, but right now, my desire to feel good again and feel great about myself again is greater than my desire for a maple scone. Now that I have gotten over the sugar slump, the idea is to find time to eat in my crazy work day. Just need to remind myself that my coworkers will be happier people when I'm not hangry.

Sooo... Bang's Lawn Care is going crazy. We've instantly become overwhelmed blessed with work. I have been spending hours at night doing Invoicing, Bidding, and reading about becoming an employer.. Because we need employees! But small business tax law is hard! And learning to save for the company long term... I can't even explain how much there is to do or think about. But I'll tell you one thing, it has made Patrick and I incredibly strong... Our communication skills demanded change almost overnight. And our ability to pick up slack from the other, its amazing.

And hey! Wedding is coming!! We set the date for September 22nd, which is very sadly the date of the local fall show! What freaking luck! Hopefully all my bikini, body builder & figure friends will come have a beer with me later. :) And I hear that people are gushing for details..

Since we live in the country we're going to do something kinda country. To set the record straight, I'm not a big country music fan... But I love other sweet country things. I just want our wedding to be sweet, romantic, and a freaking blast! I'm not doing specific colors, but doing a palette of blush colors... Pinks, champagne, copper, and even a little peach. Glowy. Check out what we made...

They say "Picture Booth" "Goin' to the Chapel" "GRUB" and "Drinks & Merriment"
Wanna guess which one is Patrick's?

It isn't done, but I'm stoked! We're gonna add some paper flowers and stuff to them. The signs themselves are from an old reclaimed picket fence. Patrick, his sister Sarah and myself hung out one night and stenciled our little full hearts out! :) Swoon! We have tons of reclaimed wood & doors and windows we are going to use, and I've been given and inherited a TON of mason jars I turned into lanterns:

And these suckers will be all over the place! Hanging from trees, on tables, and along the aisle. :)

Lastly, *sigh!* I am going dress shopping saturday!!! The crazy thing about being young but old enough to own your house and cars... You're financially responsible for your own stuff! So I haven't been able to afford a dress until now, and am banking on 'Saying Yes to the Dress' of my dreams on that day and it being off the rack. I somewhat have an idea of what I'll be looking for, and I'm sure that I will find THE dress on Saturday.

More updates next time, we have a bunch a wedding crafty projects coming... My home office has more or less turned into Wedding Central. And hey! If anyone wants to come help with a project, lemme know! It has been really fun getting random groups of friends and family together just for those things.

Talk soon! Love you all! :)

Life Beyond Contest

I realize I've been gone a while, and I'm sorry. :( It has really taken me quite a while to even get to a point of where I could verbalize my feelings.


To Start...

So, I took three weeks off from the gym. Yeah... On purpose. It was really to take time where I felt like I didn't have it. To get my house to where I needed it to be, run errands, do our new business acounting (I've been 2 months behind), everything else business related, etc. Catch up. Although I had only planned on one week, life demanded another week… And then I lost control.

Week One:

By Tuesday, I hated not being at the gym.

By Wednesday, the weight coming on was noticeable by how my body felt.

By Thursday, my back hurt badly from not exercising.

By Friday, the weight coming on was noticeable to everyone (or at least, it felt like it..)

Although I don't have post-comp blues, I certainly had a post-comp binge. Or two. And god bless my fiance for saying "Oh you can get that off easy." Yeah. Except it wasn't easy getting it off in the first place. And honestly, I'm really effing tired of dieting. I don't want to diet.

Now, that doesn't give me permission to just put food in my mouth all day long (like I will...). It also doesn't give me permission to eat a cinnamon roll every day (yeah, that happened... But... Can I just share first of all, that I am NOT a cinnamon roll person. I am not the woman who a Cinnabon has EVER sounded good to. Second, did I mention that these were made from BISCUIT dough?! Don't judge me, I'm a foodie.).

Weeks Two & Three:

At the beginning of week one, our sweet, sweet dog Molly was getting pretty sick… She was eating less, drinking less… She had been limping previously, which we attributed it to Zeke (our 180lb male great dane) playing with her too hard, so we left her inside a few days to keep her activity down a bit. At the time, she would spend whole days inside and not touch her food. We attributed it to her lack of activity. It seemed that all the weight she was losing, I was finding.

I made my way to Seattle for Memorial Day weekend specifically to spend time with my family… One of my big sisters had the lead female part in Oliver!, and we had a small family party for my Grandma's 80th birthday. All the while, Patrick stayed home to work & take care of our animal babies. And if you're just tuning in to this blog, my dogs & kitty are like my kids.

When Patrick and I spoke over the weekend I was gone, I knew the Molly situation was getting serious by his tone of voice. Now, Molly has always been HIS baby and he always seemed to be over-worried about her… So when *this* tone of voice came in, it had me worried. I took the overnight bus (yeah, we're small business owners and barely making it..) from Seattle to Spokane and unfortunately it was too late.

Our sweet Molly was laid to rest a few hours after I got home. I am so thankful I was able to make it home in time to tell her how much I love her. Molly was only 2 1/2 years old. :( And watching her suffer, spending ALL of our money to take care of her, putting her down, losing her, burying her... absolutely crippled me.

I know most people think the relationship to an animal is different than what we have with people, but not this one. And not for me. This was an incredibly deep loss for me. Me & Patrick and our animals… We are a family.

In the last few weeks, I haven't had any positives to my life of note. Until we received our engagement photos back, and realized we had the most beautiful treasure. Many photos of our little family, including a very happy & healthy Molly.

Sweet baby. Now we have all of these lovely memories with her.

How HUGE does Agent Humongo (Zeke) look in this?!

Happy little family :)

In looking back, what did I get at the end of my weeks off from the gym? 10 extra pounds (up 18 lbs from stage weight… ugh, admitting this is hard!), a sore back, and eyes that are tired from crying. Not staying true to what you want for yourself, is simply humiliating. And yet, like I said. I'm really effing tired of dieting. My mind has needed a break, and so did my body. And I guess, that's exactly what it got.

What I learned during this time, is that I overeat and crave bad foods ONLY when I feel insecure or out of control. I eat well and healthy when I feel in control. While I am not in a depressed state over having gained weight, I am in a bit in the midst of an internal war…. And this goes back to dieting, while I'm irritated with the extra weight, I'm also irritated with having to diet. So I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna deal with having the extra weight for a little while, workout and not diet yet. Although, I think we all know I'll probably change my mind as my wedding date gets closer. :)

The next few weeks will be dedicated to growing our business (Have I mentioned how difficult it is being in business for yourself??) and finding my own version of staying healthy. And for this period of time, my version of staying healthy is going to mean workouts only and not judging MYSELF for not being perfect. And sometimes I think we have to allow grace for ourselves to not be perfect.

I'll keep you updated on my progress & wedding stuff next time! :) I've missed you guys!