Thursday, October 28, 2010

Everyone Has Their Own Struggles

A yogini, whose blog that I absolutely love, posted this quote: "Be kinder than necessary, because everyone is fighting his own inner battle."

This really made me think. I have been dealing with issues for many months and many years of abandonment.

Problem with abandonment as opposed to other types of grief is that it eats away at your self-esteem. The closure becomes incomplete because the person did not simply die, he or she has simply... decided not to be with you anymore. And your rage tends to be directed towards self.

This plays out in a multitude of fashions. People who deal with this tend to have a rough time making friends. Which I do. They play into their own solitude. Which I do, I tend to tell myself that "I like my alone time." They cling to the relationships they do have. Which I do. They tend to self medicate with shopping, food, and alcohol. Mine is shopping and working out.

I was married to an abandoner. Strangely, he found a girl who had abandonment issues. My ex had left his previous wife. And their son. To move to Spokane. He had bounced back and forth between Spokane and Bend, Oregon numerous times. He had also left his ex that he had a daughter with. And then he left his wife. He was a serial abandoner.

If there was a profile of an abandoner, he would have fit the mold to a T. Seriously, I truly feel now that he got a sense of power from his abandonment. Even to exert his "anger" over my agonized desire for my husband.

And now? I feel awakened. Inside and out. And I feel like I am looking at myself on the other side of the glass through a window and for the very first time in my life, embracing myself. With real love. Not fake and not loving myself with only a half love. Not loving my potential. I am really seeing these problems and having compassion for myself. I can't tell you how many times I have said "And I hate that about myself sometimes." That can't be healthy! And it can't be good for my self-esteem. Because, it isn't.

I feel thankful and lucky that I discovered Bikram and it discovered me. Literally. I feel thankful to have friendships, regardless of age, sex, skin color, creed, origin, or political affiliation that there are people out there that love me and love the world and we do have things in common. I do have friends that understand that in that hot room, we discover things about ourselves. And Bikram did discover me. Within that hot room, the real Lacey has been found.

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