Tuesday, October 12, 2010

We are perfect

This is what I want to find.

Right now, Handsome and I are extremely busy. We got an offer on the house, it was accepted and now the whole home inspection thing is going to happen. And when Handsome gets busy, I never hear from him. Which is hard as I am a spending time person.

Since I can remember, I have dealt with a number of insecurities. Some got better with time, but pretty much any kind of self-esteem I had was torn down with the divorce. And anyone who really knows me, knows I am extremely emotional. And sometimes I hate that about myself, which I know I shouldn't hate anything about myself. But I cry all the damn time. Growing up, my dad would tell me all the time that I was too emotional (which would usually make me more emotional. But seriously, why would you tell your hormonal daughter who is sensitive that she is TOO sensitive?! It is likely to make her more so.) But I can't help it! It is the way I am. I don't know how to control it other than trying to be happy and stay happy and do yoga, which seems to regulate those feelings.

When the divorce happened, I spent many many days crying it out on the mat. Yoga really helped me sort through how I was feeling and how I felt about myself. And I got much happier and much more confident. I lost weight etc and started perfecting myself on the outside as I was working on the inside. I love being active and I love exercise. But have realized, just today, that I took it to an extreme.
It seems that one MORE thing that I love about yoga is how it is telling you that where you are today is perfect. A new teacher that I LOVE, Katie, is always saying that what you can do today is perfect.

And where I have been has been perfect and there is nothing to do but let go of control and just smile. Although I tend to go through periods where I freak out and really try to control things by controlling my body. When I feel that I can't control anything, my body is the one thing I feel in control of, which I can see is almost a disorder. But yoga makes me feel perfect the way I am, that I don't have to strive to be better. That if I want fries, there is nothing wrong with that. And what I can do in yoga, is perfect for what I need mentally and emotionally.

However today, I think I made actual progress emotionally and with my practice.
In Yoga, I noticed more and more that my legs are really stretching out. Seriously. In all of the postures where the goal is truly to LOCK THE KNEE I do it. In all postures, the standing leg is able to stay seriously "locked, solid, concrete, lamp post, unbroken, I have no knee" (btw, that was totally from memory... I haven't even gotten to studying dialogue... It was probably wrong though! ;) haha). However, when you go through the postures I have found my goals are increasingly not worrying about those parts so much which is an absolute relief!
-Hands to Feet: Legs are truly almost locked and is becoming a back stretch down... My head is literally only a couple inches from the tops of my feet!
-Standing Head to Knee: Legs are both kicking out and elbows are almost below the calf (damn muscular calves lol)
-Standing Separate Leg Stretching: This has become more of a back stretch now, head is almost between the feet on the floor!
-Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee: I can now focus more on the compression of the throat as opposed to locking both legs.
-Sit Ups: Both knees are locked and it is EASIER to really perform the sit up correctly to focus on the abs.
-Head to Knee with Stretching: Legs are seriously locked and the chest is truly reaching the shins... My toes are only about 2 inches from my forehead.

Seeing all the progress and realizing that where I am at today is perfect. When I can surrender myself to the yoga and let go of all my negative emotions, look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see- That is perfect.

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