Eyes Open

I have to apologize. I am sorry. My darling love, whom happens to be an incredible encouragement giver and motivator... I put my failure onto him for the last couple of weeks.

The reality is that when you begin to fall in love you become exceedingly happy and as you continue to fall in love you let your guard down and find that comfortable place that you've never felt before. Which is all true. I fell in love with this man and I let my guard down as well as found a very comfortable happy place. And then don't we all know it, we wanna do something nice to make the Handsome happy... Like make him food. I whipped out my favorite family recipes on the daily just to find something new and tasty for him! And I knew it.

As I sit in my work chair today -not working- thinking about how to overcome this period of time where I can't seem to find the motivation to eat well over the weekends, I thought, "Maybe I need to talk to him about it... Tell him that I need to not have such rich meals and ask him to help me decide on healthy meals on the weekends."

Although it is a pretty good idea to have him help me decide on healthy meals for the weekends, my problem is that I put my burden on him. I know this man will eat whatever I give him. And Handsome WILL eat anything. But I get off on the "MMMMM! UH-HUH! Oh baby, THIS! This is amazing!" (-Handsome, in August when I made him crab cakes... But! He'd never EVER had crab cakes before! I HAD to!)

I wanted to put my burden onto him. I need to eat healthier on the weekends, when Handsome is around. To cut myself a little slack, I do love that man and love to make him happy... but we also have been extremely busy and on the go on the weekends.  But that is no reason to blame it on him. It isn't his fault. I have the full power and will to eat perfectly daily. So, I'm sorry Handsome. :)

Time to start thinking about how to accomplish the better eating lifestyle together.

over it.

FYI, this is a complaint.

Every time I start to get my motivation back, something happens to 1) come between me & my motivation, 2) break the motivation in half, 3) frustrate me beyond belief, 4) show me that I can't have what I want or 5) all of the above.

Let me just tell the story:
My mother just had spinal surgery on Monday so I was planning on taking medical leave to take care of her but also take the opportunity to get my house in order (I'm going through all my stuff since I'll be moving sometime in the coming months), use my time with her to journal and blog etc so I could spend my own time doing yoga at 6:30 AM and run in the afternoons. I stayed with my mom in the hospital until close to 11pm... She was having a rough time going to sleep so I stayed. I got into bed around midnight, which those who know me know that would be like me getting into bed around 6 AM. My alarmed sounded at 6:00 AM, and I felt it. That's right. Sick. Great. Damn! ... I try to suck it up. I get up and get all my crap and everything I need for the day (which was like 3 sets of clothes. ha!) and I head to the park for a run. I get about a half mile into it... My knee decided to develop a sharp pain. I give up. I want to make myself feel better with a nice cup of coffee. I rush to my nearest Starbucks to tempt myself with something I shouldn't have, and get through it with only an Americano and only to spill it all over myself within 2.5 minutes of driving away. I give up and get to the hospital. All was well for a little bit. And then the nurse wanted to take out mom's stitches...
I was getting real sick real fast. Anyway, I got her home and then was informed that I shouldn't be around her while being sick. Which is true, and I can appreciate that she cannot afford to get sick while she's healing. AND she's very susceptible to getting sick while her immune system is a tad low from surgery... And I couldn't get my honey to come take care of me.

Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for so many things. And I know I will find it again, but I just want to be feeling good about my time and know that I can have what I want.

Something has to happen and something needs to change. I'm going to take a break from blogging to find out what that is.

Week 3 to 4: The Mystery

There is still something so compelling and mysterious about yoga.

There is always something I feel like I don't know. That maybe there is more than what meets the eye. Maybe the determination of it brings understanding. And possibly life itself. Or see god while using the greatest creation to it's best. For the extreme of what it is meant to do and the extreme of how it is meant to perform. That possibly the question of what life is meant for can be or is answered. Be kind to ourselves and kind to others. Be kind to yourself and smile because you have granted yourself the greatest gift. Because we found the key to the kingdom of life.

I felt my momentum falling apart this week. Just feeling tired again and sleeping a lot. But my diet is finally getting back on track... I'm able to resist fatty tasty meals no problem and the protein is high again. Also adjusting to the many small meals thing. Starting to feel the control come back and that feeling is incredible. Not being a slave to my body and what it wants... but purely giving it what it needs. Not an easy thing to accustom your body to.

Also, I've been given a new supplement to try: Lipo6x Black Hers. It's supposed to boost my energy prior to workouts. I'm trying it out for the first time today (Friday). Which is a good thing because I have a rather ambitious workout today... 60 mins cardio, 30 min run & 30 mins of weights! I'm hoping this is the thing I need to take off my last 10 lbs of fat!! And maybe a little more if I end up being really ambitious... which is both likely and unlikely. It's unlikely that I will want to (keep dieting etc) but it's also likely that I won't be satisfied until that is gone and I can fit into some DAMN BOOTS!
Later Friday: I had an awesome workout! I only did 20 mins of cardio but did what I had planned on the rest. This product truly does work!

Week 4: (September 13th-19th)

Monday:
5:30 Yoga
Tuesday:
AM: 60 mins cardio, 30 mins weights (arms ) PM: 4:30 Yoga
Wednesday:
6:30 AM Yoga, 30 minute run, 930 Weight Watchers for weigh in
Thursday:
4:30 Yoga
Friday:
PM: 60 mins cardio & 30 mins weights (arms & abs), 30 minute run
Saturday: 9:30 AM Yoga
Sunday: Rest

Titanium Spine

I just think these pictures are pretty sweet. Yep, that's my spine... Full of titanium and screws and all!

A frontal view of my spine:

Side view:

I'm pretty stoked to see this knowing that yoga helps it every day. :)

A Wee Complaint

Okay, I'm not one to complain (or at least I don't like to) and there is almost no one I can say this to (because all of my coworkers are over 50 and I have a lot of people around me who wouldn't understand), So, I'm just gonna say it just so I can get the complainy bone removed from my body.

Sag. My body is saggy. My boobs are saggy and it stinks. Okay, just so we're clear... Losing 50 lbs is awesome and I'm stoked to be healthy and active. But let's be honest, when you lose 50 lbs and work on it for months, you want stellar results. But my boobs and belly sag and the stretch marks are very apparent now.

A note of advice to all my ladies out there: If you want to lose weight, do it now. Time goes on and your fat won't sit in the same place as it did when you were 20 and the shit sags.

That is all.

Namaste. lol :)

Week 2 to 3: Anxiety and Teacher Training

Yoga has contributed to many things in my life... Healing, joy, pride, calm, love... I really could go on forever about it. But the most interesting part about it, in my opinion, are the negative emotions yoga brings to the surface. I've dealt with muscle spasms, side stitches, and a painful divorce on that mat. And currently, anxiety.

In all honesty, I'm glad it's happening. In my experience, at the end of a negative issue that I work through... I ALWAYS experience a joyous and healing breakthrough. When I first started dating my Honey, which was really my first serious relationship after the divorce I went through, I dealt with all of my insecure emotions in that Hot Room. Many times I would lay in Savasana and literally TRY to let go of the fear I felt inside. Weep in the dimmed room and pray that my heart would not fail me again.

And then it happened. I walked into the studio and the studio owner looked at me and said, "Teacher Training." I was both shocked and excited. I never thought I would be approached for training! So, here I am... And I can't stop thinking about how to make this work. The studio owner is endorsing two students right now, myself and my yoga BFF. Time off? Should I start on the dialogue now? What do I need? Ahhhhhhhhh....?!?!?!

Beth suggested that during Pranayama breathing that I think of the thing that makes me most happy in the whole world. And as I am breathing and practicing continuing to let myself feel that feeling and choose to cultivate that joy and let everything else fall away. Maybe it's cheesy but the feeling of love that my Man gives me... Due to his kindness and honesty and patience with me... Seeing my absolute worst and deciding that I'm still worth it? Anxiety and insecurity falls away. So I look at myself in the mirror and decide that I'm still worth it... And my anxiety and insecurity falls away. And not only that, but knowing that I can change my life and that my practice is changing enough for the studio owner, Beth, to want me to teach... Yeah, that definitely helped the anxiety.


Something new I started this week is a workout journal...
I was pretty excited... It really helped me be honest with what I'm eating and no one else will see it.

And not only that, but I can share my thoughts and feelings and hopefully keep track of what I need to cultivate on the inside. :)



Week 3: (September 7th-12th)
Tuesday:
PM: Yoga
Wednesday:
PM: 60 mins cardio & 45 mins weights (legs & back), run home from WW
Thursday:
PM: Yoga
Friday:

PM: 60 mins cardio & 30 mins weights (arms & abs).
Saturday: Hopefully a hike or a run Or if I'm super lucky, Sfeetypee will want to go to Yoga!
Sunday: REST

Halloween...

I know all the yogis out there love Summer... But I love Autumn. And in honor of Autumn coming, 3.5 hours prior to September...

I put up my Halloween decor.

 Yes... My door does say fire escape on it.

I know its not much... but I love how glowy my pantry gets with the orange lights. :)

 Same with the kitchen & living room! Sigh... Anyone else love Halloween (and Autumn for that matter) like I do? :)