Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Always And Never

This is a vulnerable post. FYI.

As I have said before, I am working on my mind. Part of what will get me to the stage is working on my own confidence and peace, not just working on my lats and quads. If I cannot heal the hurt and fear in my heart, I cannot set my clear heels forward to walk out with a smile.

Although this process is healing, it hurts. Plain and simple. Because when we work on the mind, it is not a simple 3 sets, 10 reps. It is complex and contemplative.
I remind myself.
You do not know when you're done, and the process isn't cut and dry. And most of the time, I just want to run away.

And in this process, I have given myself permission to dream. (this really makes me tear up..) As life has gone on, I honestly never felt I was worth enough to let myself have dreams. Never felt like I'd ever be good enough to try to achieve them. I have walked in isolation, shame, and grief. And mostly isolation. I'm shy and can be quite the loner which is not what I prefer, however. The shame and grief and fear were all bi-products of continual isolation.

Most fears are unrealistic. What are my fears?
  • I will never make friends. I'm likeable, and although I do try to make friends... I rarely receive any reciprocity (See! Again, I'm working on this).
  • I will always be alone in my continual quest for fitness. Not true, Handsome works out and I'm slowly making friends who also have this common goal.
  • I will never win a competition (...and never go pro). I'm working on this one. I don't have anything positive to say on this one. Yet.
  • I will always be smaller than everyone else.. and small girls never get anywhere. Not true. Ava Cowan, Heather Mae French, Melissa Cunningham... Lots of Class A girls are pro... or there wouldn't be a Class A. :)
  • I will never get past this plateau and get my body fat down. Also difficult to battle, body fat test tonight will tell the tale. I don't have anything positive to say to this one yet.
  • Personal: I will never get married. I realize this seems silly, but in my isolation all I have ever wanted was the ever-lasting relationship: Someone who sees past all of this and loves me anyway.
  • Personal: I will always be in debt. Again, not true. I've made very large steps in the last few months and continue to work on it.
I realize these are all very personal. And most of the time I work through them just fine. I live, I work, I train, and I continue. I tend to go through life like these do not exist in me, and it is a battle I need to face head on. But most importantly, I have allowed myself to dream and own those dreams. They are mine.

Using any of these, and continuing to repeat them in your mind will almost always create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only way you can keep that from happening, is to remove the words that cause you to speak negatively about yourself.

Remove Always and Never from your life. Always and never will only designate your limits and  box in your dreams.


  1. Thanks for this! I am one of *those* people who feels like I am the ONLY one out there who doesn't have it all put together or who doubts herself...I always feel like I am lacking something in my DNA or not being let in on the big secret to eternal happiness! You have to take a step back and realize that everyone had doubts and insecurities...regardless of how confident or put together they may seem on the outside :)

  2. You will reach all of your goals because unlike many others you have the guts to put it al out there and take true steps towards acheiving them. Hold your head high because you are truely a strong beautiful woman. The world needs more like you!

  3. Great post. I can assure you're not alone in your continual quest for fitness:)

  4. I can so relate to fearing not having friends. I have no real friend outside my family right now and historically when I've had what I THOUGHT was a best friend, turns out I wasn't their best friend.

    If I throw a party or a one comes. My journal at MFhers is probably one of the least read; my blog is not popular. I start thinking, I must not have what it takes!

  5. I have been working on the same things myself. My goal is to love myself so that if other people don't want to be around me too bad for them, but I'll be having fun anyways. I am surprised at how negative I've been to myself, as I work on this goal I notice it more and more and it is upsetting. On the other hand, noticing it means that I am confronting it. I think I don't deserve to relax or have fun; I should be always busy doing things to improve myself or please others. I am surprised that other people have time to just enjoy themselves, and I envy that... but the person who made up the rule that I don't get to have the life I want, that was me!! Time to find another tune to sing, one that gives me the freedom to be happy just being me, to relax and enjoy myself.
    I think a lot of people struggle to be happy. Our demons are ours alone to face, and maybe our problems are the kind that haunt us, but I have no doubt that we can be a better observer of ourselves. We don't have to get sucked into buying what the inner critic is selling, we can step back and see all that we are, and celebrate that. It's hard, it really is, but I am sure it's worth it.

  6. i have no doubts you will rise above your fears,face your demons head on and conquer that devil that breeds insecurity,self doubt and negative thoughts.
    i can relate very much to this post,lacey....on so many levels. and to be honest,the whole journey to the stage, for me,was a journey to building a better stronger me from the inside out.
    i almost posted abou this very subject today!
    someone asked me why i do this,why i work out to the point of exhaustion,why i eat so "healhy".....
    all i said was bc i enjoy the challenge.....
    buti know thats not thw whole truth!

    anyways,just hang in there and stay strong with everything! your on your way to winning your battle!!!!!
    you cant conquer what you cant confront and it seems to be you are facing things (or at least listing and recognizing)things head on!
    you can do this !

  7. Very nice... I like how you state your "beliefs" about yourself and then turn them around. If you haven't checked her out, you might look up Byron Katie at She has people do a similar thing, just be a little slower in getting to the opposite thing. It is definitely helping me, so I pass it along when I feel like it :-)

  8. WOW.. what a beautiful post. Thank you for being so vulnerable. Funny how when I read your list I was noticing that I battle with a lot of the same things. Know that you are not alone :) Honestly the only thing that has seemed to help me is personal growth. Reading books, audios, etc. Luckily my business welcomes this and also focuses on health, so I am working every day to be a better woman inside and out! Life is a crazy journey and what fun would it be if it was easy :) Keep your head up girl.. your inspiring people you don't even know in Texas!

  9. I actually have many of those same fears. So I really do get it. You know you are a good person and that the body you want is in there and that you have what it takes to make everything happen....but then the doubts creep in and become bigger until the fear takes over. You are NOT alone!!

  10. You are not alone in your fitness quest and you have made friends....we may be virtual ones but we're still your friends!!!


  11. I'm sure I'll meet some of you someday! :)

  12. Yes! I thinking training your mind is way harder than training your muscles! Keep up the good work and realize that some days we just have DOMS in our minds and that is ok. Tomorrow we will be stronger. :)

  13. I can relate to a lot of your fears, especially the friend one.
    I find I can kind of make a friend easy enough, but as soon as I almost start getting close to someone, I start feeling awkward and it kind of fizzles out. Therefore, I'm not close to anyone besides my boyfriend and I have a few friends, but no one I feel like I can just call up to chat for no reason or whatever, you know? I'm just kind of a socially awkward loner, and for the most part it doesn't bother me too much, but it's nice to know there's people who can relate!
    Thanks for putting this really honest entry here :)

  14. Ashley, I definitely relate to that. Except, I'm a non-caller. :) I am on the phone all day at work and am HORRIBLE at calling people, my friends and family, when I'm off work.
    Donloree- I LOVE THAT. DOMS of the mind. :)