Half is Mental, So is the Other Half

I'm working on re-training my mind. I think part of my over training, was mentally overtraining. I've spent months over analyzing my situation instead of just trusting the plan that works.

At one point, I was eating truthfully by the food pyramid on appropriate calories and it was absolutely working for me. I was losing a steady 1-2 lbs of fat per week and for some unknown cause... I changed my diet. Well, I know why... I was trying to narrow down certain macros to help me continue to lose. Which did not work as planned. But, I do not regret it, as taking in tons of protein really helped me gain a bunch of muscle. But now, I need to go back to basics. Very basic food principles.

Basic principles seem to help your body go the farthest, no?

I'm in this strange place with my fitness. Where it takes my body quite a bit more effort to get any the same results. And rightfully so: when I was 50 lbs overweight 60 mins of low intensity on the elliptical would make me sweat viciously! Now, it would take me 60 mins of serious conditioning to cultivate those same feelings in my muscles... So this is what I'm doing. I feel the best when I am training 2x a day (am cardio & pm lift/conditioning), so I am allowing myself to do this BUT only if I am taking in at least 1500 cals.

I have been considering upcoming competitions. I would be am 16 weeks out from the Washington State Natural or 25 weeks out from the Night of Champions (classic). My sane mental status is telling me to wait and do the Night of Champions... But the competitor in me keeps saying to go for the WS Natural. Or both? I'm not concerned about being weeks out, just more about whether or not I will be truly ready to compete on a state level or even for a pro-card. I'm concerned about getting my delts to peak, body fat to continue dropping, lats fill out, and quads peaking.

I've noticed a pattern in my thought processes as I consider competitions, it will be a long elated feeling of exact confidence, perfection, strength, pride, power, desirous, triumphant, and self-love. Which is almost immediately followed by the exact opposite of previous feelings: mis-trust, inferiority, weakness, shame, incapability, defeat, and self-hate. Somewhere along the way in the path of my life, someone or something told me I wasn't ever good enough. I've always struggled with all of those emotions and honestly, I am doing all of this because I want to give MYSELF something to be proud of.

In the last couple of weeks, I have felt conflicted in my yoga practice versus my lifting/conditioning schedule. I had planned on a 30 Day Challenge in May... but the more I convince myself I need to compete - the more the idea of a 30 day challenge gets pushed back. However, this is a conversation I have with others. There is always the possibility of the 30 day in May with morning lifting. I worry about it causing my muscles to appear deflated after May as June and July will be back to hypertrophy. Much to plan for, and much to act on.

If half of this is mental, so is the other half.

I'm looking to Ava for inspiration today. Ava is a Class A competitor, and while I not only admire her because she's a shorty... I admire her because she is currently in her rookie year as a pro and took 3rd at the Arnold... I had a feeling she wouldn't win... but 3rd place in the Figure International is a huge feat for a rook.

Ava Cowan